The will to forget

Every since the age of 5, oddly I could never remember what happened the year before then. I just thought it was because I was young at the time, and so mind really didn’t pay that much attention to what happened the year before. I couldn’t remember what my previous birthday was like nor could I remember Christmas or thanksgiving. But then again,I thought “I was young” , so it didn’t really faze me. 

Although I will say sometimes after each year, after the clock struck 12:00 indicating the next year, I would notice that my mother and father would go upstairs in a rush. Me being very suspicious of this I would follow, this was the last and only time I ever did that. I tried to be as quiet as possible so they wouldn’t hear me. I saw them leave the attic and without hesitation I stopped the ladder from going up and proceeded to climb up. I looked around but didn’t see anything. I was about to go back downstairs when I noticed their were jars in the corner of the room. As I got closer, I could feel a hand grab me by the shoulder, I jumped and turned my head, and it was my mom. She scolded me for being up here and escorted me back downstairs. 

I’m now 16 years old and currently do homeschooling. I never questioned why my parents didn’t let me go to a public school. And even when I tried they would just shut me up and say “public schools are dirty and don’t give you proper education”. After that clear and sudden statement, I never asked again, truly believing them. I did have friends though. My best friend, Lucas, and my other friend, Derek. The only reason I know them is because their mom’s are friends with mine, so obviously they thought we would be the best of friends, which they were not lying. Sometimes I ask my friends if they can remember what they did the year before, and their answer always remained the same, “yes, of course I 

I’m 23 years old and I’m finally married. I will say for the past 7 years, I could actually remember things that happened the year before. Cookouts, family gatherings, job opportunities, all of that. Then I noticed I could remember things only after I moved out of my parents house. Strange. Me and my wife, Sidney, moved to California and settled in a big home and a very small city. At some point, she strikes up a conversation about my childhood. I couldn’t really answer her questions so I would just say I don’t remember.

Weird, I can remember everything about my childhood.

“It’s just think that’s been happening every since I could remember”, I told her. For me honestly, I never bothered me that I couldn’t remember, again I just thought it was because I was young and had a adolescent mind set. Of course as I early researched it is normal for a young child to force themselves to forget things that happened in  their early life. Maybe because they chose to forget or maybe because they’ve done so much in their  life that they just don’t have enough early memory. I thought to myself, maybe that’s what happened with me. It was kinda heartbreaking for me and sometimes I would get really emotional because I simply can’t remember. No matter how hard I try I just can’t. I would sometimes isolate myself from my wife just for thinking time and space. Apparently my wife took that the wrong way which led to countless arguments. She would say that I need space because I had a mistress and was cheating on her. Note that it’s very hard to convince my wife , or in other words, tell her that she’s wrong because she will bark you out of an argument, then you would have no choice but to just give up. One of these arguments led to us divorcing four years later.

Soon after the divorce, I decided to go back to my home state. When I got there, it seemed smaller and quieter then the last time I was there. I didn’t know where to go so I just stayed at a sketchy motel until I could figure out something. Not even a day went by when i received a phone call from my cousin. Obviously I had been seen by people in the town even though I was trying to keep a low profile. So I drove over to her house, we sat down, had coffee, and decided to catch up on a few things. Then the worse news hit me. “I’m sorry to say cousin, but your mom and dad passed away”. My heart dropped as I asked her when. She said my mother died two months ago and my father died another month later. Surprisingly the family house wasn’t sold, it was actually still in the same neighborhood I grew up in, untouched. “Aunt Poila wanted me to keep the keys to the house, just in case you came back”. She handed me the keys and I walked out the door.

I made it to my old home and just took a long look at it before I put the key in the hole and unlocked the door. I walked in and wave of peppermints and and lemon hit my nose. It was odd that the house would smell like this, but then again my cousin did have a key so she was probably keeping it clean and everything. Which each step I took, the house echoed. I made my way into the kitchen, if only I could remember. Something told me to go in the attic. I went upstairs and pulled the ladder out of the ceiling, it the ground with a thud. I was careful due to the fact that this house was at least 12 years old. I walked up slowly taking my time. Eventually I made my way up the stairs, examining my surroundings. All of my old toys and gaming systems. Clothes and shoes. Photos and all. But what caught my eye was some containers in the far corner of the room. The same corner I saw when I was younger. I walked closer to it and my heart nearly stopped. I picked up a clear container that was labeled Shaun: Age 12, new bike. I looked at all the containers and realized they were memories, MY memories. The memories that I could remember. They were locked away in a jar. Then it hit me, an overload of voices started to fill my head as I could remember. This is for your own good Shaun. Do you think he will notice? Click. There much better, so Shaun can you remember anything....anything....anything. It echoed in my head as I nearly collapsed. I took a few breathes before gathering myself up and eventually standing up. I wanted to cry but no tears came out. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. Then I noticed a note and started to red it.

Shaun,

If you ever find these, please don’t think badly of your mother and I. We did this so you could actually have memories. We wanted to keep your memories pure and safe. Not many kids can remember their memories, that’s why we did this. So you can look back and remember these. 

We love you,

Your mother and Father.

It’s been over 20 years since i found out what my parents secret was in the attic. I actually don’t feel any hate towards them, but rather embraced by them. I forgive them. I am 62 years old, now. I got diagnosed with Lung cancer,so I decided to live in the same home that I grew up in. I knew my final days would come. I sat in my old bedroom and placed the headset on my head. I clicked a button on the side of the headset. I looked forward as quick flashes of light beamed before my eyes. All of my memories flashed at a quick pace. My memories will stay with me, even in the odd way possible. Like my mother always said,there’s the will to remember and there’s the will to forget. It’s up to you to choose which you will do. I have chosen mother, I have chosen the will to forget. Ding! 

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