Thinking...

‍‍‍Friday 24th May 

My mind has been racing since 9 o'clock last night. Now it's only 2 but I can't seem to sleep . Baby Quay is out cold in her little cot , I guess all her fussing and crying has finally worn her out . I'm sitting here in the kitchen sipping - chugging- on a bottle of vintage wine . Yes , I know ! It's not wise but special situations call for special measures ,you know . Of course you don't know you're just a stupid diary that Maddie, my best friend , gave me . She said ,"Write all your feelings or thoughts in this journal, Shan. It'll really help, try it ." So I am. As I was saying I'm having trouble falling asleep ; I haven't been able to stop thinking so I decided to come snuggle up in my kitchen and do something about it . Things I've never thought about have crossed my mind recently . Like how Salim is doing . Salim is Quay's biological father but we split up after his family accused me of being untrustworthy and disloyal . To be honest, although I was quick to lash out and accuse him, it wasnt his fault he was blinded by his love for his family . I loved him and I think i still do. But i dont know if I'll ever see him again. Rumors have spread that he now lives in Spain and is married. It's only been two years since we went our own ways so I doubt he got over me that fast. No , I hope he didn't get over me that fast . Sometimes i like to daydream about what it would have been like if we were still together, married and happy . We would cuddle on one of the luxury sofas he could afford with Quay in our arms ,bright,smiling. But of course all dreams end . At the end of the day I'm still a single black mum struggling to pay rent each month for a one bedroom apartment. I'm still a girl in her early twenties that has grown up too fast . So whatever fantasies I make up won't make a difference . Still, a girl can dream ,no? It's not self pity talking I just need to face the facts . Life's not that bad . I have caring friends who always have my back and a loving mother who tries to help me as much as she can which really isn't much . But hey, every little helps . Yes , i did steal that slogan from Tesco but they will never know. Another for the strange things that has crossed mind is the future. I know that I won't be able to manage this house for long so what will happen to my baby? How will she grow up ? Will I need to do stupid things just to afford a good life for Quay . It's times like this when I really need Salim . Who am I kidding, if he was still here I wouldn't be in this mess . This makes me think about all those people who say trash like : you shouldn't underestimate single mothers because they are strong and independent. That's total bulls . I'm mentally weak , and I'm tired of trying to look like I don't need anyone because that's all I need . Someone to share my joy, my pain , my anger ; someone to listen to me rant and make mistakes but not judge me . Someone who trusts me and loves me for who I am . Though, guys like that rarely exist . Talking about my feelings has been weird but nice. But it seems my little princess has woken up so I must go tend to her urgent needs. And I bet that after sorting her out I'll be snoring in no time. Talk to you later,

Shannon. xxx

Tuesday 29th May

Hey. I've been busy lately so I haven't been able to write for a while . I've been busy with my job and housework . Not to mention Quays fussing which never ceases to tire me out . Speaking about my baby , she's out on a trip with Jim , my boss ,and his five year old son. She seems to like him alot , more than me in fact . I like him alot too - as a friend of course ! Do I look like the type of woman to go lusting over hot guys in her work place ? Not that he's hot. To be honest, he totally is . Salim had brown almond eyes and olive skin but Jim is tanned with sea green eyes and a charming crooked smile . He always looks like he knows a really good secret and is dying to share it . That's why he is popular with my colleagues , especially the females . He has been nice to me since I started working for him and asked me to tell him if I have any problems with salary or financial issues. He didn't press on the matter though and was friendly . Gotta go shopping now . See you soon ,

Shannon. xxx

Thursday 1st June

Hello .I cant stop smiling ! Yesterday, Jim asked me on a date ! Okay , I have to admit I am definitely in love with him . He's just too gorgeous for my eyes. He said he likes me and wants to take me out sometime. He looked all shy and adorable -he was even blushing !!! Obviously I said yes because , who wouldn't. His son was with him aswell . I dont think he heard though because he was too busy fussing over Quay and playing with her . Honestly , what a sweetheart . Also ,I had the weirdest dream last night . I woke up with Jim beside me and I didn't even find it odd . Then -this is the crazy bit - Matt, his son burst into the room carrying Quay on his back . He said to me," Mum ,Wake up ! Can you please make us pancakes . " That's not it . In my dream, Matt was about eleven and Quay was Seven. I went with them and we made pancakes together. Then Jim walked in and kissed me . It felt so real . But when the dream ended , I found myself with my mouth pressed against my pillow . I secretly wished it was real though I doubt it'll happen . Got to go ,

Shannon . xxx