*BREAKING* Footage of Man Miraculously Saved from Window by Mysterious Cable!

Look, I know what it sounds like, Maurine. Trust me when I say that the last thing I would ever want is to come across as some kind of crackpot. But look, there's something seriously messed up going on in my house. I know it sounds insane. I'd be the first to admit it. And yes, I do obviously sound insane. And I would think I simply must be if it weren't for the PROOF! But Maurine, you know, it pains me to tell you all this. I don't want to be telling you all this. I know you've got enough on your plate already, what with Gavin and all. But okay, just entertain the idea that I'm telling the truth for a second, and just please don't judge me or interject, because I really think I need to explain it in full. I understand I'm not making myself look too good here but it's the only story I've got.

So today, as you know, is the anniversary of, well, you know. And I've been aching a lot of late. I mean, it feels like my body is riddled with it, like I've ingested some kind of poison. So I guess I decided I'd had enough. And no don't make that face. It's not like I’ve got anyone around, you know, who really would care one way or another. I just thought I’d skip the years of heart ache, because, well, why not?

So yes I found a rope in the garage down past her sunflower suitcase. It was the only thing she left other than the thirty one years of memories, and it was only because the suitcase has a bunged wheel and she wasn’t bothered taking it. And I cried, you know. I guess I felt like it was my time and I was maybe - in a sick way - very excited about the prospect of seeing my parents again. I had butterflies in my stomach, worried that once I got to the afterlife or whatever, maybe they wouldn’t recognise me after all these years. I mean, I know my dad only passed a few years ago but when the Hilary left, I think the loneliness painted my face hideous and old. I swear I’ve aged ten years in the last ten months. Isn’t that something? I guess I just wanted to be back with my parents, so I'd have someone around again.

But anyway, I knew where I was going to end it. We’ve - I’ve got these big wood beams in the kitchen that run across the ceiling. I drilled a hole through one of them, as close to the ceiling as I could so I wouldn’t just break the beam straight away when I fell. And I fed the rope through and got myself all ready. 

Ok so this is where I know you’re going to fight me but I promise I’m not messing with you, Maurine. You know I’m not that kind of guy. So yes, I kicked the chair out and I guess now it shames me to admit I actually did it. And I fell, and although the beam held, I could hear it creaking while I swayed. And god, my airways were just gone at that point and I was struggling to breathe, I mean obviously. That’s the point. 

But then like a miracle, a knife from its holder flew over my head and cut the rope! Yes, I know, Maurine. It sounds far fetched. And I felt the same way. I was lying on the floor and just staring at the rope and the knife for what, maybe two whole hours. I was so confused. I am so confused. Because then I decided maybe I must have cut it somehow; maybe I’d disassociated while I was preparing the rope. I don’t know, maybe I’d put the knife in my pocket and I’d cut myself down without registering any of it. But then I pulled the rope away from my neck and measured where the cut was made and it was higher than I imagined I could reach while I was hanging there. And besides, the rope was cut in basically a perfect straight line. And I don’t know, I was so sure I didn’t do it, but it felt like the only reasonable explanation.

So, look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I started talking out loud for a while. I was saying this, that and the other about, you know, if there’s a ghost, they can let themself be known; that I wasn’t going to spill the beans to anyone if they somehow communicated with me. But nothing happened. I felt like I was losing my mind completely. I looked in the knife holder to see if, I don’t know, if maybe something pushed the knife out somehow but everything seemed normal. I couldn’t figure it out and I guess by the time I gave up, I was far more angry than I was confused at that point.

And I guess I decided, well this must have just been a strange coincidence that I’d never have an answer to. So I tied another noose and I was going to go for it again. But I had this urge to pee and I thought it would be just so embarrassing if I peed myself while I was dying. So I went to the bathroom and while I was there, I had the idea that maybe I should leave some kind of explanation, you know? So I thought I’d just record a voice memo thing and when someone eventually found my body, they’d probably go through my phone to get more of an idea of what happened.

So I recorded the voice memo and then slipped my head back in to the noose. But this time I made sure to face the knives and watch them the whole time and when I kicked the chair out again, I felt this intense pain in the back of the head, like somebody had thrown something very solid at me. And then I woke up I think probably two hours ago or so, and the noose was gone. I mean, the whole rope wasn’t around at all anymore. I couldn’t see it anywhere. The hole I drilled in the beam was still there so I knew it hadn’t all been some weird dream. So now I was losing my goddam mind at this point. I was screaming and shouting and throwing things and then I fell to the ground and begged. I didn’t even know what for at the time, maybe answers, maybe for something or someone to let me die. I rolled over and my phone fell out and then I saw that I hadn’t finished recording the voice memo. So I started listening to it and, okay I know I’m asking you to believe a lot of insane stuff but I promise you that something knocked me out cold and DELETED the voice memo. When I woke up it was gone. So I ran around my house and there was NOTHING around that could have been doing any of these freaking things, Maurine. So I walked to the hallway cupboard and grabbed all the pills I could find from the top shelf and I started recording a video on my phone and I walked into the kitchen and, well, you know. I took the pills, and you guessed it, Maurine; I passed out and woke up again! But this time I wasn’t messing around. I ran out to the garage and locked myself in the car and I watched the video AND IT WAS THESE!

Jack holds a toaster and kettle up to Maurine, right up there in her face.

THESE THINGS ARE ALIVE, MAURINE.

Maurine takes a step back and they both stand there in her dusty old appliance repair shop. Maurine looks Jack in the eyes and says well what do you want me to do about it?

I want you to fix my appliances, Maurine.

And while Jack walked home, Maurine pulled a screwdriver out of her toolbox and walked towards the toaster. It’s power cord whipped to life and wrapped itself tight around her wrist.

Listen, Mauuurriinnee,  the toaster said in a sarcastic tone as its coals swelled with hot anger. You’re going to tell Jacky Boy that you’ve fixed us, do you understand?

Yes, yes, I understand, she said, tears welling in her eyes.

And if you don’t, we will have to come take another visit. The cord tightened around her wrist until she screamed, then it snapped away from her arm, leaving a deep red mark across her skin. And if we have to come take another visit, WE WILL KILL YOU, MAURINE!