I, Florida Man

There are a few moments in one’s life where you are offered the opportunity to really reflect on the choices you make and how they affect your current standing, be it good or bad, thin or flush. While I am not one to, as a rule, externalize the circumstances that lead to a particular destination I can say with full honesty of thought that this is not my fault. 

How then, you might ask yourself, my dear reader, did you come to find yourself stark naked, standing in a swamp, holding your severed thumb in a plastic sandwich bag in one hand and two bud light cans in the other staring down the barrel of a police-issued 12 gauge shotgun? 

Let me explain. 

First, I shall address the swamp question. That’s probably the easiest. There are swamps everywhere in Ocaloopa Florida. You see? Being in the swamp is certainly not my fault. It could have happened to anyone. 

Now onto more complex matters. It all started simply enough. There was to be a birthday party for my better half, Billy-sue. And one does NOT have a birthday party in Ocaloopa Florida without fireworks. It’s just not done. 

Having procured an assortment of sparklers, M-80s, those little ones that pop when you throw them against the sidewalk and something called the “freedom boom”, I decided to splurge on something that reminded me of my youth… some bottle rockets. 

I whiled away many summer hours as a young lad, lighting off bottle rockets from various containers and orifices so who could blame me for wanting to spread a little joy on such a happy occasion? 

Being that the party was in full swing I had, obviously, partaken in varying intoxicating libations (it would have been rude not to). Being thusly inebriated and in a festive mood, setting off fireworks seemed like the appropriate thing to do. They were an unmitigated HIT and I was celebrated heartily by my fellow revelers!

While preparing the pièce de résistance (the freedom boom!) I may have held a certain bottle rocket just a second too long while being distracted by those stupid kids jumping on the trampoline again! But I digress.  The resulting explosion served to sever my right thumb from its neighbors. You will, of course, agree that that was most definitely not my fault. 

Having secured my appendage in the aforementioned plastic sandwich bag I fortified myself with a few (only five or six) more inebriating cocktails and boarded my trusty 1987 Ford 150 for the long trek to the nearest hospital which, if you’ve been to Ocaloopa Florida you will no doubt understand, is quite the trek indeed. 

Now, you could argue my dear reader, that it was I who was responsible for running into that telephone pole at 70 miles per hour but you would be wrong!  Let me explain. 

To anyone who has driven on the lonely roads in central Florida adjacent to Ocaloopa it is obvious that one needs certain refreshments to aid the harrowing journey over the dimly lit streets and cavernous potholes. One or two adult beverages serve to steel the nerves against such obstacles. Having been rendered unable to hold my beer on account of the thumb in the bag sitting on the passenger seat next to me I was forced to hold said beer with my left hand and maneuver using my knees to manipulate the steering wheel! No easy feat. 

Now, I’m not sure when my shirt came off but it would be clear from the surveillance footage from the 7/11 convenience store that they say I “robbed pursuant to the automobile crash” that I had misplaced it at some point. You, my dear reader, will believe me when I tell you that I fully intended to return to the 7/11 convenience store and pay for the roll of paper towels, duct tape and six-pack of bud light once my medical needs had been tended to and I was fully prepared to return, unmolested, the riding lawn mower (with a full tank of gas mind you!) that I commandeered from behind the store once my pressing errand was completed if I was only given that chance! They say robbery, I say borrowing. Potato,  potaahto. Not my fault! 

Now, I’m not sure where that gator came from or how he got my pants off but I had become, at a certain point, aware that I was driving my borrowed riding mower in about 2 and a half feet of swamp water. How I could possibly be responsible for the actions of an unruly alligator is beyond me, although I’m sure I’ll get blamed for that too! I’ll probably be charged with accosting an alligator in his own home or some such nonsense. 

I did manage to extricate myself from said Gator’s clutches with my supplies (although now there were 4 bud lights instead of the full complement of 6, one does get thirsty!) and wasn’t I glad when I realized I could fashion a loincloth from the paper towels and duct tape I stole, er, borrowed… 

Feeling reinvigorated by my windfall, I proceeded to make my way on foot when I was set upon by a peace officer who apparently was searching for some maniac who had crashed his truck, robbed a 7/11 convenience store and wrastled a gator (I hope they caught him… he sounds like a menace that will ruin the good and great reputation of Ocaloopa Florida if not apprehended)! 

Realizing the egregious error the police officer was making I sought to spare him the embarrassment of detaining an innocent party so I took off into the swamp. Completely understandable. Not my fault. 

For those many multitudes who have trudged through an Ocaloopa swamp, you will know it is heavy work. Seeking to quench my considerable thirst I sat down on a log to enjoy my last 4 bud lights when I was beset upon by what must have been every police officer in the great state of Florida! I managed to quickly consume 2 more bud lights before being tackled to the mud, where during the struggle, I was relieved of my makeshift paper towel and duct tape garment and was left exposed, in all my glory, to the elements. It was at this time that I was introduced to the working end of a police issue 12 gauge shotgun and here my tale of woe shall end. 

I will leave you, dear reader, with this simple thought. Next time you find amusement in the misdeeds of a sorrowful “Florida Man” I challenge you to keep an open mind. Remember my story of a simple and honest man being tossed about by the current of misfortune. While not always the case, it is plain to see in this instance, it was most assuredly not my fault!