Four Impossible Things to do before Sixteen

To turn Sixteen is to stand in the rain, fully clothed and taste the earth. That's how turning sixteen makes me feel. Technically, I haven’t turned sixteen yet, only a few days. A few insignificant days that leads to an insignificant event. When Sarah turned sixteen we threw a huge party, she was found passed out in the garden the next day, the only thing I remembered from that night was making out with Robert on the front porch, his arm slipped around my waist and then I threw up. Sarah also said I was boring 

“Come on! You’re turning 16, THE sweet sixteen, you’re not going to be sixteen ever again but you also have the rest of your life to be sixteen” Those were her exact words.

“That doesn’t make sense” I said

“Making sense is boring, we’re more than that” She was always peculiar but I like her. I wanted to prove her wrong, she thinks being sixteen opens a new door to your life, like suddenly there’s a new branch, a new path. So I made a list of four impossible things to do before sixteen. Not those crazy stuff like go skydiving or jump of a cliff naked. First thing I’m going to tell my mom I love her. Sounds simple enough, but the thought of it scares me stiff. Then I thought about it, I never properly said those words to her. It’s funny, I don’t think words don’t have that much power, it’s how much fear we give it that makes it powerful . But we were eating dinner and she was passing me a plate of potatoes and time became awfully slow that I could feel my breathing on the air when I breathed:

“Mom I love you” and then she cried all night, she didn’t sobbed, she cried softly like gentle tear drops dripping down your window after the rain. Second thing, I’m going to watch a movie alone. If I could dance in my room at 3am, not matching to the beat or rhythm alone I could do that by myself. So I chose the first movie I saw. It wasn’t until I sat in complete darkness, not being able to see my feet, until the movie became background noise, a blur that it hit me. How completely alone I could feel in a crowd, I was gasping for air, being drowned and pulled down by my own silence. I finally snapped out of my trance, my eyes dizzy when the kid behind me kicked my chair, god damn kids, but thanks. The third thing on my list, to do absolutely nothing. We as humans are always doing something, but is it possible to do absolutely nothing. I put my theory to a test and I sat at my desk staring at the blank wall. Immediately I failed, because my mind started to wonder about the weather, about the math test yesterday, about how Robert’s hair was styled differently. Already I was thinking, I was doing something. So I saved that for later, maybe for my bucket list. The last thing to do was to stand fully clothed in the rain. I peered out the window and the birds were chirping on the trees branch, bathing themselves in the sun's heart, it didn't look like it was going to rain anytime soon, but my birthday was tomorrow and it hasn't rained today. I groaned staring out the perfectly sunny day. 

“Happy Birthday!” Sarah yelled as she shoved the birthday cake in front of my face. The candle illuminated the face of my family who were gathered around the table. 

“Smile” I was attacked by a bright flash, Mom smiles contently looking at the camera. 

“Well come on! Make a wish!” Sarah cheered, she peered her face closer. I looked at her and then at my birthday cake. Staring at the glowing blur, everyone else in the room had disappeared. Only me and this light remained. I closed my eyes. Sharply, I blew out the candle and slowly reopened my eyes to the cheers and claps of my family. I looked out the window disappointed. 

“What did you wish for?” Sarah smiled.

“I can’t tell you it won’t come tru-” A deafening roar, across the sky. The whole sky shook, turning grey at one touch. I ran outside, looking up, as wetness drips against my cheeks. I stuck out my tongue, tasting the warm water. The fresh smell of earth and plants rushes through the air, seeping through my nose, the wind danced gently on my hair. The waters came rushing down, like a waterfall that just erupts, like a sleeping volcano that have been awakened. I grinned widely, just standing quietly in the rain being soaked completely. The trees sways in harmony as if creating a birthday tune. 

“What are you doing!” Sarah yelled from the front porch, her hands covering her face as to not get water in her eyes. I looked at her, eyes glossy with rain, my black hair sticking to the new shirt I bought yesterday.

“My wish came true” I whispered quietly, but I knew the wind would carry far away.

I sat on my bed now, covered by fluffy blankets. I don't feel any different than I was when I was 15. The sun still rises in the morning, I still forget to tie my shoelaces, we still shop at the same supermarket and Robert is still an asshole. Not a lot of things changes. But now I know what it’s like to see my mother cry, what it’s like to drown in loneliness and what’s it like to overthink. Most importantly I know what it’s like to be Sixteen, because not only is it standing in the rain, but it’s living in the moment, not standing beneath a rainy sky and wishing for a sunny day or vice versa. It’s letting yourself be immersed, letting yourself breath. Sarah was right, I had the rest of my life to be Sixteen, I had the rest of my life to breath. Being Sixteen was just learning how to.