The Search for Fully Popped Kernels

(CW: Violence, Blood, Gore and Crude Humor)

In the dark, cool womb of rotting soil beneath Elk Grove Cemetery, a faint buzzing sound rattled Ed O’Neal’s freshly planted corpse. One might think it strange to be buried with your phone, but if you knew Ed, you’d think nothing of it. A control freak for perfection in the living world, he left explicit instructions in his will for that glossy android device to be plastered to his side in the event of his passing.

Passing…such a strange word for death. Catastrophic would have been the better choice for Ed because he met his demise at the Elk Grove Cinema Two when he choked to death on an unpopped kernel from his jumbo-sized popcorn bucket.

The paramedics tried their best to dislodge the kernel from Ed’s esophagus, but he had inhaled too deeply. A day later, Death by Popcorn made national headlines across the country.

The soft buzzing, like a bee tickling Ed’s hip in search of honey, sparked an electrical impulse that surged through his nerve endings. Like a rising tide, Ed’s eyes snapped open like a gale-force wind. Everything was soaked in blackness until he reached into his right pants pocket and removed his phone. The soft blue light coaxed his panicked mind with ease.

As he swiped up and entered his four-digit passcode, he saw a text message from his would-be girlfriend, Alice. The message read:

My dearest Eddie-Pie,

         I’m sorry you met your demise by an unpopped popcorn kernel. You didn’t deserve to die like that. You would be happy to know that the news media ate the story up like freshly baked cinnamon rolls with creamy frosting. I know it was only our first date, but you left quite the impression on me when you didn’t object to my little pet names. I’ve been told it’s a major turn-off, but you didn’t mind. I must admit that I will miss you and regret that our first date ended in your untimely demise. Maybe we should have gone to that steakhouse like you wanted, but let’s face it, Attack of the Fifty-foot Sasquatch was a one-night showing and I didn’t want to miss it. Unfortunately, because you died in the first ten minutes, I missed the entire movie, but it’s okay. I forgive you. It will be on streaming services next week. I weep for what might have been. I know you were so particular with everything, so your sacrifice for my petty wants will not be forgotten. May you find peace wherever you are.

Ed swiped the text away and crinkled his stiff forehead. His joints and muscles were atrophied, but a fire roared deep within his soul. It gave him strength and…power. He balled his fists and punched the wooden coffin. As the soggy soil poured through the broken boards, Ed slithered through the sod like a fish out of water until he tasted the moonlight.

He screamed at the sapphire rays, but his vocal cords were seared off and sounded strange. The only utterance that came from his gullet was, “UGH!!”  

Wait… How come my voice isn’t working?! I know I’m dead, but come on! I need my voice! Don’t tell me I’m a…a…ghoul!!  

Ed looked at the unfurled ground and let reality set in. His mind should have been filled with shock and sorrow, but the unsated irony was lost. He stuck out his pasty, gray tongue and licked his cracked lips. The taste of salty, buttery popcorn was still there. His brain lit up like a sparkling star.

That…that…taste…. I-I need more of that salty goodness!!

Ed moaned, “UGH!” as he put one foot in front of the other and shambled through the cemetery gates.

Elk Grove was a small city that never slept, and as Ed stumbled over several asphalt hills from his final resting place, Main Street was finally upon him. As he fumbled through the bustling sidewalks past the shopping plazas, the denizens scattered like mice fleeing a venomous snake with an insatiable hunger. In their minds, ghouls were reserved for badly written television shows or movies, and yet, here was a creature born from the dead risen again for some feral purpose.

Why is everybody running from me?

“Ugh-Ugh!!”  

Further down the pathway, Marry-Sue sat on a bus bench sipping hot chocolate. When a flood of frightened citizens ran past her, she took a deep breath and sighed. “In all my sixty-nine years, I’ve never understood why the younger generations are always in such a hurry!”

“Ugh!”

Marry-Sue turned away from the frenzied mob running down the street and saw Ed hobbling towards her. She took another sip from her hot beverage and narrowed her eyes through the steam fogging her glasses. “What did you say, young one? If you’re looking for your friends, they ran that way,” she said, pointing down the road.

Crunch!

The words could not come fast enough after Ed bit off Mary-Sue’s index finger. He must have heard every curse word known to humankind. Out of instinct or plain annoyance, Ed flung his right hand and knocked Marry-Sue’s head clean off. It rolled down the road like a lonely bowling ball, searching for some pins. Her hot chocolate fell to the pavement and retreated from the ghastly abomination.

Why did I do that?! I just wanted to ask her why everyone was running away from me!

Ed dropped to the ground and licked the spilled liquid. That’s not the salty, buttery taste I need!

“UGH!”

In rapid response to the chaos, a police squad car arrived on the scene. Sergent Kelly stepped out and aimed his handgun at Ed. “Don’t move, or I’ll shoot! You’re under arrest!”

Why am I under arrest?!

“Ugh-Ugh-Ugh!”

“That’s it, smart guy!” Kelly yelled. “Put your hands above your head!”

Oh, shoot! This guy is serious! I better do as he says.

“Ugh!”

Ed extended his arms but couldn’t raise them above his head. The stiff appendages would only go as far as his chest. He took a lopsided step toward the officer.

Hey, listen, man… I just need some help. You see, I crawled out of a grave not too long ago, and everyone keeps running away from me—

“Hold it right there!” Kelly ordered. “Don’t you dare take another step!”

“Ugh-Ugh!”

Wait… What?!

BLAM!

The shot rang out like a blistering explosion. The bullet pierced Ed’s chest, but he felt no pain. The sensation was like a feather tickling his side.

Before Sergent Kelly could fire another round, Ed grabbed his right arm and bit his forearm. The gun fell to the ground and slid into a nearby drain hole by the sidewalk. Kelly screamed a deafening howl, jumped into his squad car, and sped away.

Ed spat out the gooey flesh like an unwanted piece of bubblegum.

That’s not the taste I want! Agh!!

On no! I can’t believe I did that! I can’t be a walking dead zombie… Can I?!

On the other side of the road, Ed saw the flashing neon lights of Elk Grove Cinema Two strobing like a beacon of dread.

This is where it all started…the place of my death. A bad situation rears its ugly head like a mocking vulture, but I will face these problems like a true champion. I will get answers to what really happened to me. Plus, I can smell that buttery goodness from here!

The concession clerk had his back turned to Ed when he heard his heavy footsteps approach the counter. The soda machine was acting up again and needed his full attention. “I’ll be with you in a second. This machine has been giving me a fit all evening. What can I get you, some popcorn? I’ll have to give you a bottle of soda—”

“UGH!!!”

Ed grabbed the vendor’s back and slammed his head into the soda machine. He positioned the clerk’s open mouth to the nozzle, rammed his skull into the Diet Soda nozzle, and punched the serve button.

I thought he said it was broken—

The smell of salted, buttery goodness interrupted Ed’s thoughts. He looked to the corner of the food lobby and saw an enormous glass box of popcorn glowing under a bright yellow light. He wasted little time and broke the glass with his forehead. The soft, fluffy snack was just what he needed. A surge of renewed energy raced through his veins and electrified his senses.

Crunch…Crunch!

Hard…tough…KERNALS!!

“UGH!!!”

The unpopped kernels reminded Ed of the grim reality he found himself in.

This is how I died!

Ed grabbed the glass box, ripped it off the wall, and threw it across the lobby. He balled his fists, smashed the overpriced candy display by the cash register, and grunted in rageful delight. Destruction made him feel alive.

Suddenly, Ed heard booming explosions rumbling from the back of the theater. Curious, he stumbled through the dark hallway and entered Theater Two, where Attack of the Alien Creatures was playing.

All the red, plush seats were empty aside from one. A lone woman with bushy blonde hair, pink lipstick with matching nails, and a purple jumpsuit sat in the middle. She was holding a jumbo-sized bucket of popcorn, and her eyes were locked on the screen.

Alice?! She’s the reason I’m dead! I can’t believe this!

Ed wobbled down the sticky black aisleway until he came face to face with Alice. She didn’t notice him until she put her jumbo popcorn bucket in the opposite seat, reached for her Orange Fanta bottle, and grabbed his cold hands instead.

She looked at the strange man wearing a dirty black suit with pale gray skin and knew who it was despite the thinning hair and rancid rotten flesh smell.

“ED!”

“Ugh!”

“AGH!!” she screamed.

Ed grabbed her poofy hair and slammed her face into the front seat.

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I can’t control myself. I can’t stop…I can’t stop!!

“Please don’t kill me,” Alice begged.

He dragged her down the aisle and ignored her protests, punches, and kicks. She couldn’t escape. Not after what she had done.

She needs to pay for what she did to me!

“Ed, please…let me go! It’s not my fault you’re—”

Crunch!

Slurp!

Before Alice could finish her plea, Ed took a big bite from her skull and slurped out her brain. He was disappointed because it did not taste the way he expected. There was no buttery or salty flavor…just slimy goo that tasted bitter.

“UGH!!”

He tossed Alice’s lifeless body into the projection screen and smiled as sparks lit up the room.

On his way out, Ed noticed Alice’s jumbo-sized popcorn bucket resting in the empty seat. He sat down and watched the flickering movie on the broken screen. As he emptied the bucket, he was over the moon because there were no unpopped popcorn kernels!

This is what I needed! Everything is perfect now! This is what I wanted. No more Kernels…and the movie isn’t bad either!

“Ugh-Ugh!”