Heartbreak

You and I made a vow, long time ago. That we will be always together, no matter what. Nothing but death could break us apart. We belong together. We had future plans with each other. You and I are supposed to go to college together, then graduate, then get married and then start a family. You always talked about how you wanted to have four children. I thought you will always be with me and that you promised me that you will always be there for me.

But you never did.

***

I haven't seen you for almost twenty years. How time flies! When was the last time I saw you? The last time I saw you was when we were in the beach, you telling me that you wanted to a break. And that you are seeing someone else. And that you are pregnant with his child. The way you betrayed me made me shocked, hurt and angry. I was never able to get over you. I was hurt that you broke the promise. That's why I never came back. Even though you betrayed me, hurt me and went off with another guy, I still thought about you. My heart, unfortunately refuses to move on. It's as if your name is embedded in my heart and it refuses to erase your name from my system. Like we are destined to be together. I was never able to forget you.

But of course, I saw you, on the news, five years after our break-up. That you killed your daughter and that you and your serial killer boyfriend and his friend will be locked up in prison forever. I was shocked, because the person I know would never kill anyone. You are a vegetarian because you can't stand at the way poor animals are being slaughtered. You don't even hurt a fly. You love little kids. Have you changed so much, into a person that I don't know?

I studied your case, wondering why you would commit a crime. You never told the police what you did with your daughter's body as to this day, the body is missing. Did you really kill her Maya? Did you?

Now, I am inside the prison, waiting to see you. I am having all these mixed emotions and feelings at the thought of seeing you after a really long time. You don't understand--butterflies are doing somersaults around my body, my heart thumping against my chest, those fond memories we had together came back haunting me--all those good time we had together. Your smile, your playful eyes, your beautiful face came into my mind. I am actually really nervous to meet you Maya.

Then when the guards you brought in, I was shocked, surprised and....a deep emotional sob almost escaped from me. If I was not in the prison for official visit or if my colleague was not with me, I would have cried, at the sight of you. Maya, what have you really done? You have changed so much into a person that I don't recognize anymore. You are no longer that playful and cheerful girl I used to know. Long years in prison, coupled with the emotional and domestic abuse you faced from your so called serial killer boyfriend had made you look weak. All those playfulness have gone from your face. You looked weary, defeated, dark circles underneath your eyes, and frail looking. I wish I can hold you, hug you, tell you that everything is all right. I wish I can hold you into my arms, stroke that beautiful lustrous dark hair you used to have, and whisper you some comforting words into your ear. I wish I can make you laugh and bring you out of your misery. I wish....I wish....I wish...

You seemed to be in your own world, in a haze. Do you recognize me? Honestly, if I didn't know that I was going to question you, I would never have recognized you. But when I introduced my name, you immediately recognized me. You smiled--yes that beautiful smile still remained in you. I was so happy that I made you smile.

I am sorry Maya that I sounded too...official. You need to understand, I am working in the FBI, as an agent for Behavioral Analysis Unit. My boss has no idea about my connection to you--I never told him, otherwise, he would never allow me to meet you. I wanted to meet you so bad that I pretended that I didn't know you. I thought maybe you have forgotten about me. But no, even after all these years, you still remembered me. That actually gave me a relief in my heart.

You are still stubborn, in a stupid way. You don't want to tell us what you really did to your daughter's body after you killed her. Why Maya? Somewhere deep in my heart, I know you didn't kill her. That you are behind the bars for no reason. But I have no proof that you didn't kill your own child.

Have you ever imagined that we would have met in this way? Inside a prison out of all the places in the world? Honestly, before all these things, I thought I would run into you in a Starbucks place, as I remember you used to work at Starbucks as part time barista. Or I thought maybe I would run you into Barnes and Noble, knowing how much you love books. I dreamed of the union one day, but never thought I would see you inside a prison.

Maya, I know you are suffering well deep down. Even though we may not be seeing each other, I know how you feel. You may think I am angry with you for betraying me. I was angry, but that happened, twenty years ago. I feel pity for you. Because still, even after all those years I love you.

What if we turn the clock back to the time when we were teenagers? When you were so carefree and playful? When we would hang out in the beach, eating cones of ice cream and cracking jokes at one another? When we would playfully splash the water at each other? When I would twirl you around, with you giggling out loud and laughing. When you would put your head on my shoulder and hold hands with me, watching the sun set on the horizon?

What if you never slept with Nathan Buchanan? What if you never got pregnant? What if you didn't live with Nathan Buchanan? What if you never killed your child so you would never be in prison?

Maybe we would have been living happily ever after, like all those fairy tale stories we used to read together when we were kids. And you will always remain playful and cheerful. I wish we could rewind twenty years, so maybe, none of these things would have happened. Maybe we would still be together.

A guard gave me a letter, written by you and I am holding your letter, looking out of the window, my mind, in a haze.

***

Dear Tariq,

I never thought that I would see you again, after all these years. I know how much I must have hurt you even after all those years. I know you probably would hate me, maybe you hate me even more for what I have done, The truth is, I still loved you. I know it was a bit mistake to fall in love with a person like Nathan. You were actually my only one and true love. You are the most caring, kindest and trusting boyfriend I ever had, and I was stupid back then to break your heart. I am so sorry for that Tariq.

Whoever you are dating now, must be one lucky girl. I am the most unluckiest girl on this planet to let go of this love. But deep inside, I still care about, love you, wish that I could turn the clock back when we were teenagers and carefree.

The truth is...I want to tell you the real truth about what I did with my daughter...

***