I AM YOU

I

At first, I believed that my struggle was a passing phase that would eventually fade away. But as time went by, my social anxiety consumed me. I grew wary of everyone around me, doubting their love and fearing that they would harm me. It became so overwhelming that one day I made a decision: I left behind my home, my family, and my friends, seeking comfort on a secluded island, far away from the reaches of civilization. In this place, I hoped to find the peace of mind that I had dreamed of for so long.

I became unaware of the passage of time on the island. I lost track of the days, months, and years, detached from the concept of time itself. Without a mirror to reflect my aging and without anyone to notice it, indifference replaced the fear of growing old.

The island was not very special. It was neither beautiful nor hideous, neither big nor small. Most significantly, this place offered me comfort and tranquility. However, there was something that used to make me sad—the absence of vibrant flowers. As a gardener, I longed for the beauty of the little yet stunning garden I had cultivated in the village yard before moving here. Despite my efforts to recreate that beauty in the depths of the island, I failed. Finally, I understood that flowers would not blossom here and gave up.

Although the island was not remarkable, it held a unique treasure unseen anywhere else: a magical spring that granted wishes. However, there was a rule: only a single wish could be made, so one had to consider carefully how to use its magical power. I understood that blooming flowers was something I needed to accomplish on my own, not with the help of magic.

The quiet on the island eventually transformed into boredom. I found peace and even moments of happiness, but there was no one to share my thoughts with. Perhaps it would not be so bad to have someone here, but my fear and distrust prevented such desires. Yet, I began to hope to find a way to break free from my isolation and have someone who I could love unconditionally and without fear. And then I thought of something.

II

I arrived at the magical spring. I stood there for a long time in silence, thinking about whether to make a wish that had never crossed my mind before. Finally, I closed my eyes, summoned my strength, and asked the universe to create my doppelganger—a companion with whom I would share my peace and solitude.

Once I opened my eyes, I saw my wish fulfilled standing in front of me. My doppelganger and I exchanged glances. It was such a strange sight—an image of me, but not me. I observed myself from an external perspective, realizing I was not as pretty as I believed. Maybe, in the past, when I used to look in the mirror, I would try too hard to present myself more attractively than I truly was.

She was delicate and slender. Was she thinner than me? No, it was absurd to compare myself to her. After all, she was my clone and identical in every way.

The doppelganger lifted her brows and pouted her lips slightly forward, and like that, she began to resemble my reflection in the mirror. I realized that those were the gestures I employed to enhance my appearance. What was her intention while doing that? Did she seek my approval or aim to prove that she was prettier than me? Or perhaps she was doing it unconsciously. But what was the point? She and I were one and the same.

Smiles exchanged, and we embraced each other. I would no longer be alone. I finally had someone who fully understood me, and, in return, I would comprehend her completely.

III

The doppelganger had none of my memories or life experience, but she carried all of my traits. I decided to tell her that the whole world consisted solely of this island, and that it was just the two of us here, so that she would not leave me.

A deep bond developed between us, and we became inseparable. When we needed communication, we talked; when we desired to listen to the sound of the ocean waves, we sat together in silence. She was never too much or too little in my life. From time to time, she would embrace me, expressing her gratitude for having me in her life. In return, I was immensely grateful too. But as time went by, our honeymoon phase was slowly coming to an end, but we were not realizing it yet.

Everything started with flowers. The doppelganger decided to cultivate a garden in the heart of the island. I tried to convince her that nothing would thrive here, but she gently assured me that she would still give it a try. And she did. She tried so hard! She would get up early every morning and go to the heart of the island to fulfill her desire. She was so like me! Her extreme urge to be perfect, hard work, and determination mirrored my own.

Time passed, and one morning, the doppelganger rushed towards me and woke me up. Her eyes were full of joy. She took my hand and guided me deep into the island. And that morning, I saw the most breathtakingly beautiful garden human hands had ever created. It was full of unique blooms, a magnificent sight I had never witnessed before. Why had I convinced myself that flowers would not blossom on my island? Was it because I had failed in my attempts?

Suddenly, I felt a wave of heartbreak and envy—emotions I had not experienced in quite some time. The doppelganger awaited my praise with a genuine and modest smile. But I knew what her expression was hiding—self-satisfaction mingled with guilt for achieving something I could not. She was well aware that such feelings were inappropriate and should not reach others. These were the traits she tried to hide, as she wanted to be an honest and kind person. Yet I knew everything, as she and I were the ones.

What could I do? I smiled broadly and expressed how immensely proud I was of her. Yet, within me, I despised both myself and my doppelganger. That was what I ran away from! I had to pretend while watching her pretend.

IV

Anxiety took hold of me once again. My doppelganger, once a source of consolation, turned into a constant reminder of my own imperfections and the flaws inherent in humanity. I regretted countless times ever asking the universe to create her, but there was no turning back. I was now trapped in a state of permanent unease.

Gradually, I came to realize that it was not only the imperfections of society. I could not accept my flaws either. I had rejected not only others but also myself. In reality, my greatest fear was not society, but rather myself. And I found myself living with that fear, witnessing her every day from an external perspective. Did I love myself enough to embrace the fact that I was not perfect, that I had flaws, and that I was not superior to others? The answer was clear: I did not. The only thing I yearned for was to rediscover the peace of mind I had lost. There was no one else but me who could bring me the peace I desperately sought.

I stood at the crossroads. I was torn between two paths: the journey of self-transformation and accepting humanity’s imperfection along with my own, or asking my doppelganger to leave my island.

                                                      …

Everything started with flowers. I managed to create a stunningly beautiful garden, and my fellow human started hating me because of this. On one hand, I felt satisfied that I could do something she could not, but at the same time, I was ashamed of this feeling. I tried to suppress these negative thoughts in my mind, hoping they would go unnoticed. However, she had a way of understanding everything.

As time passed, I started fearing her. I was constantly on edge, expecting her to say something hurtful or harm me in some way. She never did, but still, my fear grew stronger. Sometimes, with her strange gaze, it felt like she could see right through me, leaving me uncertain about what she was thinking. Eventually, my fear turned into a phobia, and my resentment towards her grew.

In this world, there were just the two of us. Without her, I would be all alone. But slowly, I realized that I wanted to move on with my life without her. So one night, when she was sleeping, I stabbed her in the heart.