The ties that never bond

The sunlight barely made it through the blinds as Emma awoke from an uncomfortable sleep. Strays of sunlight trailed along her furniture, illuminated the dusty air inside her bedroom. She couldn’t remember the last night she had slept well in her bed. Not that she had slept better before, but today of all days it was worse. Her back ached as she rolled over, facing the right side of her bed. Looking at the alarm clock, she sighed. November third, read the right gloomy letters above the time. She had it coming for a while, decided it was time. Went over every possibility at least a dozen times, knowing that nothing could prepare her for what was coming. The smiling girl from the neighborhood was all grown up now, but barely resembled herself in any way. Something inside her changed years ago. Years of denying the truth until last fall when she ended up in rehab after battling with severe depression for months – years even. Those days lay long behind her now, but every day that went by left behind a trace. A bitter taste, like having a glass of orange juice after brushing your teeth. That bittersweet ending of a dramatic story. The unsatisfactory feeling after ending a TV series on a cliffhanger. So many unanswered questions, the only difference, she had them. She had known the answers all along. Looking back, she had felt it from a young age, it stuck and got worse after the incident. To this day she refused to speak up, couldn’t even name it by its name: Divorce. She hid inside her work, dove into fictional worlds where butterflies as big as elephants existed. Lived no life, but co-existed in a world that no longer felt like home. She was a stranger to herself, an alien to most of her old friends, and completely out of her old habits. Today, of all days was marked black. The ink of her marker had smeared, the cross on her calendar stood symbolically for the blurry unknown that was about to come for her. After one final glare at the alarm, she got up.

On her desk, right next to the window with half-closed blinds, were letters, postcards, pictures – memories of days long gone. Her heart ached at the sight of herself smiling wildly into the camera standing there next to him. She thought, that maybe there was a chance, a way they could work things out. A little late for a fresh start maybe, after all, it had been rusty all twenty-one years of her life, but maybe there was still a chance. A small glimpse of hope, coming from somewhere deeply hidden inside her broken heart. Then she remembered why she had decided to do, what needed to be done. She remembered that he had tried, at least he thought that because he actually didn’t, he bribed her. She had taken the occasional vacation or gifts, but ultimately they meant nothing. If all, that wasn’t even the least he should have done for her. Maybe, that was her fault, she had played his game for so long he didn’t see her pain. Played the role of a lifetime, being the perfect dad to the world but the worst to her and even worse being a prick to her mom. He didn’t know Emma had cried herself to sleep every night the last time they’d been on one of those vacations together. She never understood why she was treated so different from her siblings, being granted so many things her brothers only dreamed about. Emma’s heart weighed a ton as she remembered what he did. Her life, so blissful as it began, ended the day they moved out from their family home. Ever since she was little she hoped they’d move one day, but when they finally did, she wished it all had been different. She blamed herself for ripping her family apart. From the day she moved out forward, his attempts became more desperate. He tried, at least that's what he had to tell himself. He had lied to everyone. She had decided that today, November third, things needed to end. One thing she learned in therapy was, that oftentimes people like her needed therapy because the reasons for their suffering refused to. The youngest of three children, the baby, the little sister, something that wouldn’t change, but it had to. Whenever she tried to end things, she had failed. Guilt overwhelming her, causing her to anxiously overthink what she would do and what it meant for her remaining family. Being there for it all, from day one until the incident, standing right in the middle of it all as her world came crashing down on her. She felt responsible. The real reason behind those feelings, however, and she knew that now, was manipulation – pure manipulation and false hope. People won’t change, in certain situations, we only get to see their real and true faces. Those are the key moments we need to focus on when deciding whether we need someone in our lives or not. Today was the day she had decided she didn’t need him in her life anymore. As always she kept quiet about her plans, giving on one else the chance to defuse the bomb she was about to drop, but herself. She had hinted, she needed time and space after rehab. That had expanded to this day, ultimately saying it was her only chance to unwind, get a clear head and decide on what she wanted. As much as she loved to have a family, she knew the only family she could rely on was her mother. Together they had survived and built a new life, found happiness in places that were kept in the dark for years. She allowed herself to feel, to trust, and let go of the past. To live the life she knew she deserved, because she had worked so long to have it, was to cut the ties, ties that never bond in the first place. Countless times she had sat at her desk deciding on where to start, dismissing everything, starting over by choosing a different, more suitable word. It turned out to be torture, investing so many emotions made it hard for her to focus and write down what she felt without losing her temper. She had tried for so long she was almost keen on to be giving it up, let it slide but deep inside her, she felt the determination to end things. Now, in her dimly lit bedroom, right next to all the letters, pictures, and postcards on her desk lay a letter: To Dad.