Ephemeral gardenia

Your flowers are blooming, the garden looks more beautiful than ever, all the flowers are here, all the flowers except you.

I still come by every day, I quit my job so I could take care of it, but I didn't have the courage to move into the house we used to share.

Right now is empty, the lovely life we used to share is gone, the only thing that's left are memories. 

Memories of cozy afternoons by the fireplace reading books, Sunday mornings eating your horrid cooking that I loved so much, movie nights with junk food, running under the rain to get the laundry and stop halfway because it was a lost cause, endless laughs after a tickle session or a dumb joke, you singing while cleaning the house… I miss that, I miss you, I miss you.

Sometimes I hum some of the songs I remember you sang, I can't remember much of them but some lines, I think, will stay with me until the end.

“Stand by my side, as I stand by yours,

in love, once more.”

“There are flowers blooming

where the scars

used to be.”

“What could have been, what we could have been.

What we were. What we are.?”

Sometimes I think this was your way of telling me you were long gone, long gone from my side, long gone from my life. Even if it was true I'm still standing, just by your side or at least, where you were supposed to be.

I know I’m not the best gardener ever, but it really looks good. Thanks to you, you took the time to teach me how to do these things, how to take care of plants, how to take care of me…

You could’ve stayed. I could’ve helped you fix things or at least I would’ve tried to understand what was happening inside your head. 

Was it my fault? Weren't you supposed to tell me? I just don’t get it… it wasn’t your moment, it wasn’t our moment. We were so happy, couldn’t you see it? every time I start thinking I can't help but blame myself… now that I think about it, I was the one that couldn't see what was happening and now I can’t see what’s happening in my own life, I can’t see at all...

Everything is gone and now the only thing that makes me feel better is the garden, that’s how you felt? That's why you spend time here? Sometimes I like to think that you knew it all along, you knew what would happen, that’s why you taught me, this was your way to stop thinking, to stop suffering.

My favorite part of the garden is the patch of gardenias you took care of, they smell just like you, an intoxicating aroma, and at the same time elusive like all tropical flowers, with a hypnotic touch that makes my heart ache every time I walk close.

My favorite part is the gardenia patch but I don't like being around it, everytime I catch the essence my memory goes back, back to the day I met you, back to the day I saw your face for the first time, back to the day that the sweet smell of gardenias took a deep meaning inside of me. Thoughts of you sprout in my mind every day, coming in to live with small feelings. Before I knew it, you grew deep in my heart. 

I can still see you crouching over them out of the corner of my eye, the desire to turn to see you wins over me and the feeling of pain grows when you are not there.

Everyone tells me is not right to stay like this, they tell me that you are not worth it, that you don’t matter anymore, that it is not worth it to give much for something that is no longer there, they think I might go insane but I don’t care, even if it hurts thinking about you, I will still do it till my last breath, I will remember all the thing you said and did, I will remember even if it kills me because thinking about you makes it bearable, makes me feel you are still here, you are still looking over the garden, reading the books, singing and just existing. 

I took care of the garden like you asked me in your letter, but the feeling of dread is getting louder in my head; I can't wait to see you again, It's only a matter of time, just wait for me a little longer.

I can clearly hear you say “Please don’t cry. I can’t-I’ve never been able to stand it when you cry” but I know it’s just in my head, the tender touch, the friendly talk, the lovely smile, the sweet kisses the heartbreaking cry, the killing goodbye; plagued with memories, good and bad, creating a web I can’t escape, the ghost of a complete life ruined by memories, just memories after all.

You never said “I'm leaving”, You never said “goodbye”. You were gone before I knew it, In life, I loved you dearly, In death, I love you still. In my heart, you hold a place, That no one could ever fill.

It hurts that now you are not going to comfort me every time I cry, why is it so hard to live without you? The flowers are blooming but I'm slowly dying.

I’ll make sure that the only things that will never fade away are our feelings, our beloved memories, and our garden.

I'll make sure somebody takes care of our garden so that I can take care of you.

I re-read your letter one more time.

Lukewarm tears roll down my face.

I never knew sadness could dull the pain because I can't feel anything. 

Everything is blurry now, and for the first time in months… the smell of gardenias and dirt embraces me again. That warm feeling that I longed for is filling me again. 

Just wait for me, my love, I can already feel you.

Because at the end of my tiring day, you are all I want to see.