Friendship Funny

"Atisshoo, ack. Um. Gross.”

“Ah the sounds of spring. I’m telling you Suzy it’s hayfever.”

“Why’re you so mean Brad?”

“Because you won’t take the loratadine like a grown up.”

“I don’t wanna develop a dependency.”

“On what, breathing? Look, I’d make them grow some female trees, but that's more legislative than anything else.”

“Why would female trees have anything to do with my sneezing?” 

“The Pollon? I thought they taught basic reproduction. Like at all. Or ever.”

“Iffg Uck, I think I'd rather have the pink kind.”

“Diphenhydramine? Well, I suppose you can’t sneeze if you're unconscious.”

“Shut up.”

“I love you too.”

“Honestly, I hate that half my current problems could be solved by less tree sexism.”


“That’s it, hand em over.”

“Neopronouns, lovely.”

“Fuck you too, now give me some pinkies and leave me be.”

“Alright. Here you go. I hope things go better.”

“If all else fails its guaifenesin and sinus pills all the way.”

“I’m telling you it’s just hayfever.”

“Next you’ll be telling me it’s jungle-fever- good lord, look at your face. Burt brows! Burt Brows!”

“You’ll be saying uncle if you’re in the habit of that joke again.”

“Go eat a lemon.”

“I will, I’ll need the vitamin C just to handle your personality.”

“You shouldn’t rhyme when you’re angry.”

“I’ll rhyme when I like. Go to bed. I’ll wake you later if I want something.”

“How honest.”

“How annoying.”

“Right, well, bye! Ima go bury myself! In blankets of course!”


“Hey, I’ve been thinking for a while. Abstinence only, just means gay sex for trees.”

“And it just means curiosity for other people, what are you on about?”

“I wanna go for walkies.”

“Like a dog?”


“Ah, no. The image of you in a collar and a leash ain’t worth it.”

“Oh come on, don’t just curl in more! I wanna go walkies with you bebe!”

“You’re crushing me.”

“Yeah, and the beneys are working. Walkies!”

“Alright, I’m not agreeing to anything. But um. Ain’t gay trees a legit alternative to so-called volunteer trees.”

“And you're up!”

“I agreed to nothing- put me down!”

“Nope, you took your pills! You took a nap, We’re gonna go walking!”

“I’m gonna kill you later.”

“Worth it!”


“Where are we going?”

“Wherever I want.”

“Second location.” 

“We live together.”

“I repeat, second location.”

“Who the hell wastes the cheap meds on someone they want dead?”

“Benadryl can kill you.”

“I wasn’t exactly plying you with em.”

“You dragged me outta bed, I have a cold!”

“It’s hayfever.”

“I totally have a fever! My throat feels like shit.” 

“I’ll make you some coffee once we get home. But first we gotta touch grass or something.”

“Touch grass?”


“You want me to touch anything in that nose forsaking kingdom?”


“Oh. Well. I still argue the point. Second location.”

“Alright, but I promise not to kill you too quickly.”

“That’s not comforting at all!”

“You’re the one making accusations.” 

“I’m not accusing you of shit!”

“You keep acting like I’m a kidnapper!”

“Of course I am, my back hurts and I want coffee. Do you really think there’s nothing suspicious about a Second location right now?”

“You’re being hyperbolic, I just want to see the birds out here.”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me it ain’t here! Suzy, look at the Robins, their Gravid!”

“Maybe it’s just fat?”

“It’s nature man, birds don’t get fat out of season.”

“Not a man, but don’t people feed the more social birds?”

“Yeah. Oh no, she’s so sweet!” 

“Don’t scare her!”


“Because it ain’t nice.”

“You still taking your pills?”


“Good, is it working with your-”


“Good, I’d hate for it not to.”


“We’re home!”

“Don’t say that to an empty house.”

“I’ll do what I want.”

“Make coffee. I’m having a headache.”

“I don’t want to develop a dependency”

“Don’t question brilliance Brad.”

“Question everything. Except the rain, which judging by the smell is imminent.” 

“I don’t respect that excuse.”

“I’m telling you it’s just the barometric pressure.”

“I’m telling you to make coffee as an apology for kidnapping me.”

“Alright, (GIRRRRRRRRRR) grinding, grinding, yarrr!”

“I really hate seeing this.”

“If you’re gonna have enough Caffeine for headaches you ought to dance to it.”

“I’m gonna turn off the lights.”

“Do the same for all the modems.”

“It’s not gonna rain.”

“Close the windows too!”


“God that smells good”

“In vain!”

“Yes please, clean the needle of course.”

“That’s just gross. Here’s a spoon.”

“Thanks, this is dirty.”

“Nope, it’s pre-sugared.”

“Yeah. Alright. Pour some on me.”

“Hold still. I really don’t understand why you put the cream in first.”

“It mixes better.”

“This shit is piping hot, why would you need to do that?”

“Because it tastes better. Don’t yuck my yum. I don’t need the judgment.”

“I’ll judge as I see fit. It’s pissing outside. How's your headache?”

“Fine soon. Mmm. Good cock, I can feel that in my ears.”

“That is an arrangement of words.”

“Hey, at least I’m not taking the coffee intravenously.”

 “At least I wouldn’t know you could say that.”

“What’s that buzzing click? Bullshit that’s what! Quit looking at me. I mean it, creep.”

“What the hell’s that noise? Goodness, Suzy, what’s with the wildebeest impression!”

“Brad, Brad! There’s a grinning man outside.”

“It’s a cicada, Suzy.”

“I don’t care. Indrid Cold isn’t gonna get me damn it!”

“Alright, I guess. Go ahead and Cuddle up, if you’re freaked out.”

“We’re gonna die if it ain’t cicadas.”




“Who the hell is Ingrid Cold?”


“Too hot, bluh.”

“You know you wouldn’t be too hot if you switched your comforter out.”

“Don’t you have any fear?”

“Blankets don’t protect anything in summer.”

“That’s just creepy.”



“Huh. Well I suppose it’s little difference to me anyway. You keep cuddling up to me anyway.”

“Trying to pass it around.”

“It better not be bad breath.”

“Don’t worry, I still brush when I’m sick.”

“Likely story.”

“Fff? What even is that smell?”

“Horse poo.”

“Oh, gross.”


February 20, 2023 09:29

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