A mulligan gone awry

They say you become the person you will be before you turn 5. I guess for me, that is a good thing because life was pretty good for me in my first few years. I still can’t help but wonder how much my school years ended up molding me into the person I am today, though. Would I have turned out differently if I hadn’t been bullied? If the self-confidence I had as a young girl had been left intact, would I have made something of my life? Would I be happier? Would I be somewhere else entirely, or would I still have turned down the road I did? Well, I'm about to find out.

It's been almost 6 months since my colleague and I stumbled upon the time machine I'm now about to enter when we were dropping off some things at the local recycling station. It was just standing there, yellowing in the sun, with faded lettering over the door, saying "Time Machine, be very careful". Naturally we loaded it onto the trailer and took it back to the office. And I have now decided to use it. We don't know if I will be able to make it back. We've sent other living things back in time in this machine, and they haven't been seen since. We started with a frog, then we tried a sparrow we found wounded on the ground. Oh, don't look at me like that! It wouldn't have had much of a life with its injuries anyway! Whatever! Then we sent the neighbour's cat. I've felt particularly bad about that one as I've seen her out and about putting up flyers, walking around with red and puffy eyes.

So, I've decided I'm going to try and get the animals back, by heading to the same time period we sent them to. Or, at least the time period we think we sent them to. And yeah, I'll probably just grab the cat. What year? Oh yeah, the year 1995. It was as far back as the time machine would allow us to go, so that was the only reason we chose that year. You probably thought it would have some sort of significance for us, but you would be wrong. Neither one of us is that deep.

All I know is, I was 9 years old then. I wish I could go back further, because the bullying started long before my 9th year of life. What? Oh, you had forgotten that I started talking about bullying? Well, let me remind you then. This is about me hoping I can make something different of my life because I've convinced myself that I would have been a stronger person had I not been bullied!! Okay?! Yes, you are correct. I don't really want to come back, I want to reshape my life. But, if I find the cat, I'll try to send him back, allright? Jeeze.

I step in to the machine. It looks a bit like a portapotty, but thankfully it doesn't smell like one. But it is cramped and I quickly develop a feeling of doom and claustrophobia. I look at my colleague who is standing on the other side of the door, with the tiny glass window. Our eyes lock, and he nods. I nod back. There's no point dragging this out, or standing on ceremony. Pull the blimmin' lever, Boris!

Yup. He does. And everything goes black. There is a silence like I've never experienced before, it's as though someone stuffed thick, Egyptian cotton into my ears. Then there is pressure. Tremendous pressure, mostly against my head and my chest. It is beginning to hurt. And I am regretting this, so much. But I can't move, at all. Minutes go by, then hours. I feel the panic growing inside my chest and I open my mouth, or so I think, to shout out to Boris. I'm not sure if my eyes are open or not, the darkness is so complete I might just be standing there with my eyes closed. With horror, I realise that I can't shout. I cannot make a single sound. There is no air in my lungs. I try to suck a breath in but I am not even sure if my mouth is open. I try to draw air in through the nose, but something has plugged both nostrils.

2 days later, or is it two decades? I am still standing there, my legs are so heavy and my feet ache, but I cannot move. I cannot do anything. I feel so bad now, for the frog, the bird and mostly the cat. I have met that cat before and it is very sweet, always "talking" to you when it is outside. I.. wait a second. Is that a meow? It is, isn't it!? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? I try to stand as still as I possibly can. The silence is deafening. I cannot hear a thing and yet, my ears are ringing deep inside so loudly it is totally quiet.

I suddenly realise that Boris must have left me here. When we sent the animals away in here, we opened the door, after some time had passed, to check what had happened to them. Boris hasn't opened the door to check on me yet. Why hasn't he checked on me? Or has he? And it is so dark, he couldn't see me? Are the animals in here with me, just paralysed just like I am?

37 days later I collapse in a heap. How do I know 37 days have passed you ask? I don't, okay! I am just guessing. It just feels like 37 days. The ground I collapse on is black. Everything is black. Still. I know I have to give up now. This blackness is entering me and it will consume me from within. I have to accept it. I wish I had just accepted who I was, bullying or no bullying. I wish I could go back in time to.. oh that's right. Damn.