Reflections

January 1st, 2021

I can't believe another year just started. What the hell happened to 2020? Why time's passing by so fast?!

Well, let's take a look at the past 12 months: a pandemic exploded, all the world has been in lockdown, people had serious problems with the concept of wearing a mask correctly. I think this is a perfect summary of the year that just passed. 

Oh, and since a pandemic wasn't enough, my boyfriend broke up with me at the end of that crappy year.

Yeah, thank you 2020 for all that crap. Really. I just hope this new year will be different...

February 14th, 2021

Of course, Valentine's Day has to be this hard. 

What should've I expect? To forget the past and pretend my life is good as before? This year looks like the one before, if not worse. I can't deal with another awful year. I don't have the strength to do it. This loneliness will never leave me, I know it. I can feel it in my bones, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

All those couples around the city, in love, kissing and hugging...why does my life have to be so complicated? 

March 14th, 2021

We already are in the third month of 2021 and nothing has changed. I still can't believe how alone I feel since he broke up with me. And I can't be mad at him because I just love him so much. How am I supposed to move on with life? How can I do such a thing? It's impossible. There's no life for me without him. People say that time will help me go through this tough period, but I don't know. It seems impossible to move forward. And yet, everyone around me is moving on. Life continues, but I'm still here, stuck in my memories and this pain. Fantasizing for a future I will never have. What's wrong with me?

April 23rd, 2021

Spring is here! Today was a beautiful day. I went to the park for a walk and flowers were blooming all around me. The smell was amazing and I really needed some sun. Today was a good day. Maybe something will change, after all. We'll see...

May 30th, 2021

Happy birthday to me! I'm feeling so old, today. I didn't do anything special. Had lunch with my family, then I spent the day at home. Alone, of course. Because yes, I'm still here all by myself. How fun, huh? Yeah. I know. 

However, this day helped me go through my feelings. I'm so tired, you know? So tired of being alone and sad. When this will end? I can't bear it, anymore. 

Summer is coming and I want another life. I want friends to go out with, I want to spend hot summer nights outside on the beach watching sunsets. My life is so empty! I'm so angry. I don't know who's at, I'm just angry. I want more. I deserve more. I am a good person, after all. Why life is so mean to me? 

June 25th, 2021

Summer heat arrived all at once, of course. These long sunny days are very hard for me. I'm trying to do something for myself every day. Today I spent the entire afternoon taking care of my skin and hair. I did a face mask, a hair mask, then a long and relaxing bath. Then I had a glass of wine and watched my favorite TV show until now. It was nice taking care of myself. I should do this more often. I will, for sure. 

July 30th, 2021

Today I invited an old friend of mine out for a drink. I decided it was time for me to return to real life. This bubble I create for myself is making me feel too lonely, and I'm sick of it! 

I'm sick of being alone! I want some life. People to talk to, places to visit. This is another thing I had to do for myself and my mental health. I'm learning to take care of myself and I must say, it's freaking amazing. I'm discovering some parts of me that I never imagined, honestly. How this is even possible is still a mystery, though. But I don't care, I'm just glad it's happening. 

August 15th, 2021

Damn, it was so hot today. I wanted to go to the beach, but it's literally burning outside. That's one of the reasons why I hate summer. You can't fight against the heat, it will always win. 

Anyway, I spent the day at home with the air conditioning on all day long. I went out at 8 pm to take my dog for a quick walk and something happened. Something I never thought it will ever happen again. Honestly, I'm feeling bad even just writing this, but I know I don't have to, so I'm going to say it. 

I saw a man while I was out and my first thought was: "God damn, you're sexy". Yes, it sounds so weird. Since I broke up with my boyfriend, I never looked at any other man. It was like they doesn't even exist. And you want to know the strangest thing? He looked back at me. Several times, too! I don't know why I'm so surprised. I'm not that ugly and I know that. It's like I forgot what it felt like to be watched by someone. And you know what? It was awesome. 

September 14th, 2021

It was his birthday today. I sent him a text and wished him a happy birthday. It was hard. And it was harder seeing his response. We looked like strangers. After all those years and after all, we’ve been through together, we talked at each other like strangers. I was so sad, again. The last three months have been better, I felt better. I was starting to accept myself and those lonely feelings...I don't know. I just hope he's doing better than I do. I didn't have the courage to ask. Or maybe I didn't want to face the conversation with him. I'm not sure. However, I'm happy I reached out to him. I wanted him to know that we can still talk to each other, but I'm not sure if he agrees with me...

October 27th, 2021

It's been a year. A whole year since the day that destroyed my life. Still, I'm hurting. I'm not sure how much time it has to pass, but I'm so tired. So tired...

November 13th, 2021

I made a decision today. A very big one, but I'm feeling so alive! Do you want to know what it is? Well, okay...

I applied for a job in England. Yes. I decided I needed a change. I can't bear with this life anymore. It's been too long and I'm so tired of everything. I need a change and I want a big change. I'm going to stay positive about the response because I need to be hopeful for something, for once. I'm so proud of myself, right now. I never thought I could've done something like that...

November 30th, 2021

BIG NEWS! I was accepted for the job!!! 

I can't believe how happy I am right now. I forgot what it's like to be happy about something, it's unbelievable! I can't stop smiling and dancing around. I'm so proud of myself. SO FUCKING PROUD. I didn't need the help of anyone and I just have to thank myself for what I achieved. This feeling is amazing and I'm so happy because I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

December 31ft, 2021

Happy New Year's Eve to me! This last month was beautiful. I started packing and settling everything for my new job. I have to be there in March, but I'm so excited! I don't want to wait one second more, so I will do something every day to be 100% ready. 

At the beginning of this month, I saw my old yoga teacher and she told me I was looking beautiful. She said she had the impression I was blooming like a flower in the spring. And she's right, I'm feeling good. I am happy. I learned how to take care of myself and I discover how strong I am. I have so much potential! And honestly, I don't need anyone, you know? 

The start of 2021 was awful and the first few months had been so hard. But now I'm feeling like another person. The only really important thing is my mental health and well-being, and the loneliness I felt these past few months helped me a lot. I know it sounds strange, but I finally understand that if you want to be okay with life, you have to be okay with yourself first. Now I'm ready for a new life. I will always treasure my past, memories, feelings I used to feel, and everything else because they made me the person I am now. Without those experiences, I will never understand my inner strengths. 

So, cheers to 2022! And I know it will be an amazing year, full of new opportunities and adventures I can't wait to discover!