Wayward Son

Wayward Son

"It's been two years Brandon, almost to the day. Is the anniversary bringing up any negative emotions that you would like to talk about?" Sharon said as she leaned forward to put her elbows on her knees closing the distance between her and her patient. Brandon was laid back on the forest green suede couch, eyes to the ceiling to recount the off white titles that ran from one side of the room to the other. "Still just 145 titles, same as last time" Brandon thought to avoid Sharon's gaze and question. " I don't need the anniversary as an excuse, this haunts me everyday. I finally got the nightmares down to just once a week but I have just accepted that this is my life and nothing is going to change it. Not like I even deserve it to change." Brandon finally spoke in almost a whisper as his gaze slowly trickled from the ceiling to the golden brown eyes waiting to meet his own. "You went through something traumatic and yes you made a mistake getting behind the wheel, especially when you knew you had been drinking. I know you understand how the consequences of one action can change the course of your entire life. However, you must start taking active steps into forgiving yourself. I have seen you change tremendously over the years of sessions and you are not the same man that walked through that door on the first day. What are some ways that you think can help relieve some of the guilt you have been struggling with?" Sharon replied matching his volume but her concerned gaze never broke eye contact. 

Brandon took a moment to let her words sink into his skin like freshly applied sunblock, they felt heavy on the surface until he started trying to reason with the thought. "Could I be forgiven? I took a man's life, a husband and a father. No amount of words or actions can replace him in the lives of his family" Brandon thought but quickly shook his head to vanquish the idea from his mind. "No, I changed people's lives forever. He had a daughter you know, I hear that she is young and now she will never get to know him. There is no way I could begin to be forgiven for that." Brandon expelled in a volume that was lined with aggression. "Yes I am aware of that and you do make validated points. However Brandon, I believe we need to make a plan on what the next stage of your life looks like. I feel that if you do not find a healthy outlet for all these strong feelings you are experiencing that it will hinder any growth you have worked so hard to obtain" Sharon softly pleaded. Sharon sighed and looked at the gold clock perched on the walnut brown oval coffee table between the couch and matching forest green armchair she was placed in. "We will discuss further at our next session, sadly we are out of time. Please come up with ways that we can work together on finding some healthy outlets for you. I expect a listas homework at the start of the next session." She smirked at him as she stood up to escort him to the door. Brandon gave a soft smile back before returning to his feet and sauntered to meet her at the door. He reached out to retrieve his coat and beanie from the 5 hook rack to the left of the door. He met Sharon's concerned gaze once again while he suited up before heading out into the cold. Brandon gave her a quick smile before turning his eyes at the window in the back of the room to check the weather. Snow flurries were trickling across the frosted window. "Listen, as your friend and not your therapist, what helped me when my mother passed was visiting her grave to talk or to just sit there. Making her a part of my life routine keeps a connection with her that I can't explain. I know you didn't know that man but it might help you go and keep his memory alive. Do with that information what you will." Sharon confessed opening the large chocolate brown office door and pulling Brandon's attention from the storm outside. "Thanks for that, I will come up with something for next week. See ya same time next week" Brandon said through a smile as he slid through the opening of the door into the bitter cold waiting for him on the other side. He quickly trolled down the 4 concrete steps and up a block to find refuge in his black 2006 Honda CRV. He quickly started it and pulled out his parking spot while he still marinaded on Sharon's last words. Going to his grave and talking. What would that even do? I am starting to think she is not helping at all. She doesn't understand, this keeps me up at night and my scarlet letter I can never wash off. Forgiveness isn't something that I get to have, no...not me. 

Brandon jumped back into reality in just enough time to put the car in park into one of the many empty parking spaces. His subconscious knew what he needed to do, and he realized his surroundings immediately. Brandon climbed out of his car even though every nerve endings screamed at him to get back in and never come back. He hiked across the cold empty parking lot and through the grounds to get to his destination. His chest became tighter with each step passed the snow-frosted gravestones. He could hear his heart beat loud and strong in his ears as his boots crunched the frozen grass below them. Brandon had only been there one time before, right after the funeral but couldn't even get close enough to read the engraving. 

 Harrison Alexander Grey

 August 16, 1964 - December 24, 2018

A loving husband and father that will be greatly missed by all

It took Brandon a long time to remember to breathe after reading those words etched into a grey marble background. The gravestone stood at a 3 feet tall height and was surrounded by souvenirs or flowers and pictures of the family he left behind, except for one person. "I see you are still loved, even in the afterlife. It took a lot for me to come here and now I understand why. I never got to tell you that I'm sorry, I let my anger get the best of me that night and let it fuel my actions. I just found out that mom's stage four lung cancer was back and she barely beat it the last time." Brandon felt the tears roll down his cheeks. "She didn't tell you because why would you even care. Obviously you didn't about us, that's why you walked out. Isn't that right Dad? I found you and your new perfect family. You craved a life better than a one night stand and a bastard son I guess. I was coming to tell you about mom and try to understand your choices as a man. I wanted desperately to give you the benefit of the doubt. That's when I saw you and your new life decorating a Christmas tree from the window at the front of your house. You and your younger pregnant wife looked so happy. It made me sick, so I left and went straight to the bar. See? I am like you, we both overcame alcoholism. I just wished I had blacked out instead of getting back in that car. But I was full of liquid courage and anger for you. I also wish that you weren't out picking up her last gift for the holidays. I wish I never saw that you were the car in front of me, and I wish I never hit the gas…." Brandon could only realize that he had been screaming because his throat was raw from the anger and eyes blurring from the consistent tears. "I'm the reason you hydroplaned, I didn't know there was black ice and it was already happening before I could stop it. Next thing I knew you slammed into that power line pole. I got out of my car and ran to you but you were bloody and unconscious. I called 911 and waited by your side until they took you away...I heard you died at the hospital from your injuries and the newspaper blamed your death on the bad road conditions. After all that I walked away with only a DUI and a traffic ticket for rear-ending you. I know now that I lost so much more. I'll never get to have a beer with you and build a relationship. I will never get to know why I wasn't good enough for your attention, even though you and mom never worked out. I will never know you and that is something that haunts me everyday. I honestly never thought I would be here but now that I am. I am truly sorry dad and I wish I could take it all back. I donated to your funeral expenses anonymously to do what I could but nothing can make me feel better. I hope one day you can forgive me or that I can start to live with this choice I made so absentmindedly. I'm sorry. Now I will never really know you dad. But you decided that first and I did the fatal blow." 

Brandon stood in the cold silence for a few minutes as the relief of years of resentment evaporated off his heavy shoulders. He slipped his hand into his back pocket of his dark denim jeans to grab a small creased photo. The photo was bent in all directions with raw edges from years of wear. The photo was a young couple on either side of a high chair, laughing at a tousle haired toddler covered in the remains of a cake in a number one birthday hat upon his head. Brandon loved this photo and looked at it often, because that was the last birthday his father acknowledged before he made his disappearing act. Brandon placed the photo at the foot of the gravestone and looked down at the happy image one last time. He turned his back to his father's grave. Brandon walked amberley back to his car and drove as far as he could from his past, never to think about it again.