Regret

Regret. This day was one to smash up, shove in a box then burn it in a raging fire. I struggled through the darkest hours ever imagined until looking back brought a full life that I once had, until now. The word regret had now found a way to play over and over in my head. Outside, the wind called to add another chill moment to my life. As the night raged on, I stared soulfully at the full moon. Throughout the dark hours, sleep was not in the cards, but soon a new day was here to face in full force. I struggled to get out from under the covers to meet this challenge. Then set my feet on the cold floor and stood alone staring at an empty place. In the shadows of the early morning sunrise, and with a heavy heart, I walked over to the mirror above the bureau. It had been cracked in a fit of rage when I couldn't see through my own personal drama. What I saw only reminded me of my horrible loss in life due to the lack of seeing the bigger picture that had been right in front of me. With anger, I curled my hands into fists, looked at my haggard self and screamed into the mirror. "I AM SO SORRY!" My face was the only one looking back. How ironic that it was the broken image of how I felt right now. The two of us, were no longer the two of us. How did we get to this point? I pushed back from the bureau, regretfully sighing. My mind was on auto pilot. I tried to keep myself from losing it, again. I But without hesitation, I reached for the mirror and pulled it off the wall. No more seeing our broken path in this way. I pulled the bureau away, just enough to shove the mirror tightly behind it.

Downstairs, the morning coffee was calling. In sadness, I looked back at the bedroom mess, then slowly made my way down to the kitchen. The strong blend of our favorite brew called to me to sit, enjoy the moment in my favorite mug which said one word, OURS. A tear fell onto my lap as one by one each reflection of good times hit me hard. I looked around at the things we brought back from our adventures around the globe. We had everything! Why am I not seeing the good through it all? This guy was my partner and roomate. We clicked as two individuals with spirit and drive. We knew life together was where we fit especially in the same playing field serving our country.

Flash back. We met in the Army Reserves just outside the big city. My young self saw this hunk of a guy who had just signed up ahead of me. He stepped back, nearly knocking me over. "Oh, I am so sorry!" He quickly placed an arm over my shoulder to avoid my fall. I only smiled and said, "I'm good. Thanks!" He grinned back and our eyes started seeing each other in a way I couldn't even begin to imagine. Over the months, I was determined to show my best in all ways. Not just a female in a man's world, but a true patriot to the mission. My goal was to turn my girly looks into a bad ass marksman with an AK 27. Success! My mentor challenged me to bring it up a notch. This didn't happen overnight, but time spent with determination had me master the art of many top guns. I could have been on a TV show as a gunslinger in a new age cowboy role hired to oversee the chaos in the Wild West. My mind went back to the classic cowboy movies that never get old. Yeehaw!

Now, a well-deserved long weekend was in the forecast. The plan was to drive to the coast as the ocean was calling. We were both anticipating seeing those waves comes crashing down over the rocks and how that would wash away the stress of the next chapter. We packed up, my guy gave a shout out, slapped the hood of the truck, jumped in and blasted down the highway. Didn't see this coming but the talk became heavy on our drive as the Middle East deployment was to happen in a few days with the impending threat of a civil war in the forecast. The ocean appeared and our talk became no more about anything. I quickly pointed to the shoreline and a spot to pull over. I clapped with glee like a little kid when the truck stopped. Jumping out, I didn't look back and ran across the sand. My guy ran behind me and we laughed, jumping in the water, splashing each other over and over. Finally, we grabbed our towels and sat enjoying the sun and our time off. 

And then it happened. 

My guy said something that he admitted to holding back from me for awhile. "I have to tell you what I did." I was frozen in place when he said, "You will not be going on this next mission to the Middle East." He had put my name on orders to cancel my overseas deployment. His message was sincere with the intention of keeping me safe without both of us in a hot spot that might have catastrophic results. I was horrified and only felt anger well up. Did he look at me as a little girl where Daddy had to take care of her? I am combat ready, and a gunnery queen. This would have been the first overseas crisis and I was ready. I looked at him, stood up, then my verbal rage took over. I was all over him with insults, shouting and swearing as never before. "I'm done with you!" I shoved him hard and told him to get me back to our apartment on base. "NOW!" He had no comment that would fit the situation as we drove back. The mood was dire and the silence was an oppressive time to be alone with him. He drove up to the front door and waited as I got out. I turned my back, strode up the steps, turned and flashed double middle fingers. I walked in, slammed the door and took a deep breath pushing out my stress. He seemed calmer than I expected and did not follow my anger path. The rest of the day was not pretty.

Back to the now moment and an empty coffee cup waiting for a refill. Somehow, I did not hear the front door open because just as I walked into the kitchen, the man of the house was there holding my favorite fancy latte coffee in a matching mug, OURS. My hands went up to my face as the tears began. He immediately said the right words, "Soldier! I've got your back. Keep your head up." I shouted back, "Yes, sir!" then took the cup he handed me. I started to open up about everything and his hand went up to stop the talk. He motioned to follow, turned and we went outside. Two USAR officers were waiting to greet me. I recognized them from my marksmanship training. They were now looking for the right candidate to provide individual and collective training for USAR soldiers. There was no doubt that I was the one chosen as my skills were highly noticed and well above average. I looked to each one, handed off my latte and without hesitation, agreed, saluted and shook their hands. I would report tomorrow morning for the start of this new role. "You will be giving soldiers the determination and proficiency to serve with skill and confidence." I watched in awe as they left in their Willys Jeep. 

The two of us went back inside to unwrap the mess between each other. I began with self-reflection of my poor behavior until I saw someone moving his head back and forth saying no, no, no. 

"Look!" and with a sense of peace and heartfelt words, this man told me who I was regardless of what I threw at him with shameful words and actions. I was given a new purpose to build others into the best they can be using the tools of the trade. "Where ever we go, we are there for better or worse. Make good of it, soldier!" This moment brought us back together and like a giddy kid I had to go outside and blow my air horn. Suddenly, a fighter jet flew over, dipped his wings and left a smoke trail of bright colors. I jumped up waving and looked back at someone who just shrugged his shoulders.