New year, new start

Whenever I read books, whenever I watch movies, they always depict love as something wondrous, as something magical, something that leaves both people breathless with happiness.

I however, would like to disagree with everything the media shows us. To me, falling in love feels like someone is reaching inside of your chest and squeezing your heart, leaving you breathless with pain every time you look at the one person you had wished to spend the rest of your life with. In my case, it’s because she’s in a relationship with someone else. The worst part? They’re both my best friends. I see them together every single day. They hold hands, they steal those soft gooey-eye looks at each other, kissing one another while giggling about some stupid inside joke they have. And I am forced to endure all of this.

“Oh cheer up Naina,” Kiera said, lightly bumping my shoulder with hers, “You’ve gone all broody face on me again,”

“I don’t have a brooding face,” I mumbled, taking another sip of my coffee.

“Fine then, grumpy face,” Kiera shrugged, taking an extremely messy bite of her sandwich and chewing for a full minute before saying, “We have the New Year’s Eve party to throw anyways. Please tell me you’re going to stop moaning by then? I don’t want to ruin my status at hostess by having my sullen friend sulking in the background,”

“I’ll be nice when people finally come, can you just let me be depressed for a little while? Besides this is all your fault. If you had never made me realize my feelings I wouldn’t be this way,”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Please, you should be thanking me for helping you sort yourself out. I couldn’t stand your constant obliviousness, its better this way,”

I flipped her off. 

Having coffee in the morning with Kiera can be a blessing and a curse. A curse because she is one of those friends that will force you to speak whatever is weighing you down, whatever hurt you feel. A blessing, because on those rare days that there is something more important looming ahead, she will solely focus on that and speak of nothing else. Today was one of those day. We had our New Year’s Eve party at night, which meant I would be running around all day trying to get the food, the cups, the whatever else that was on Kiera’s list that she sent me. No time to think about anything else.

“I still don’t understand why you insist on having breakfast at Starbucks every time. Why can’t we mix it up and go to a place that actually knows how to make coffee?” I groaned as we walked out onto the freezing streets of New York. Shivering, I clutched my cup of horrible Starbucks closer for warmth.

“Because I am your roommate, and older and taller than you, so I get to call the shots here,”

I groaned under my breath, but there was no arguing with Kiera.

“Oh crap, heads up, twelve o’clock,” Kiera hissed under her breath before ducking away, back into the coffee shop.

“I don’t know what that-” I started to yell

“Hey guys!” a bright and captivating and melodious voice called from in front.

Oh, crap.

I knew exactly who it was from the voice, from the silvery tone of voice that mad everything seem much bright, made it seem like the colors were heightened, a voice that made my heart pound in my chest. Whether it was from exhilaration or fear I still have no idea.

“Kiera u traitor,” I hissed under my breath

“Starbucks so early in the morning, Naina? I’m a little disappointed to see you here,” Melissa teased.

“I- well I mean I guess, but you know how Kiera is in the morning,”

She laughed that beautiful laugh, “That’s true. Where did she go anyways?”

“I don’t know but when I find her I am going to murder her. She has taken me to Starbucks for three days in a row,”

She laughed again, and I swear I was seconds away from melting.

“So you, uh, you coming to our New Year’s Eve party?” I mumbled, fidgeting with one of the many rings I wear.

She rolled her grey-blue eyes, “Of course I’m coming. I’m not going to pass up a chance to miss Kiera’s cooking. Plus, free booze!”

I laughed softly at that.

She stared at me, gaping, “No way. Did you actually just laugh?” she asked incredulously, before throwing her hands in the air and yelling, “I got Naina to smile!”

“Shut up,” I said shoving her lightly, but that small smile never left my face.

“While I normally would be so glad that the two of you are spending time together, as you do every single day might I add, Naina has some shopping to get to,” Kiera interrupted, appearing from god knows where.

I glared at her but she ignored me as usual.

“For someone who loves to plan parties, you’re being a real party-pooper,” Melissa said, crossing her arms.

“And for someone who is twenty-one, you’re acting really childish,” Kiera retorted

I rubbed my temples. This what happened almost every interaction these two have.

“Oh yeah? Well for someone-” Melissa started, but I cut her off

“For god sake Kiera I’ll go get the stuff we need, but can you please just shut the hell up?” I snapped, but immediately regretted it when I looked at the hurt on Melissa’s face.

“I- I mean to Kiera. I was talking to Kiera not you,” I stammered, my eyes widening.

Oh god I hope she doesn’t hate me now, i swear I can be such an idiot sometimes. But id dint say anything else, my words caught in my throat. But she broke it all by laughing again.

“Of course I know you were talking to Kiera, I was just messing with you. Relax!”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and Kiera looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I flipped her off again.

“Here’s an idea, Melissa why don’t you go shopping with Naina. That way you two can just, you know, spend time together and Ill meet the both of you at my apartment. How does that sound? Great,” she said, shoving the both of us forward and walking away.

“I think you mean our apartment Kiera,” I called -after her in the street, but she made no indication that she heard me.

I turned and shrugged at Melissa, but my heart was doing cartwheels inside my chest at the thought of spending alone time with her.

She flashed a grin at me, and began skipping down the street and I followed suit. Not the                                                                                                skipping part though, obviously.

“So, uh, how was your day?” I asked, then clenched my jaw shut. Now she was going to know something was up. I never ask people about their days, purely because I couldn’t care less. But this was Melissa. I care about her more I’ve done anyone else in my life.

Sure enough, I found staring at me with a shocked expression, “You never ask people about their days. Are you feeling ok?” she said, hopping over to put her hand on my forehead, as if to check if I had a fever. Quickly, I batted her hand away. I didn’t want to know what would happen if she touched me. “Relax Mel, I’m fine. It’s just apparently, I have a bit of a cold demeanor, so I thought I might try to break the ice a bit,” I lied.

“Well that’s just dumb. I like you just the way you are,” she said, as she continued to walk.

I like you just the way you are.

Those words stopped me dead in my tracks, leaving me to watch her long wavy brown hair as it flew in the cold winter breeze. No one had ever said those words to me before. They would always rather change something in me. While I admit, I am not the most adjustable human being, the way people behaved around me, even when I was a kid, made me feel as though there was something with who I was, and for most of my life it was because of that I kept more to myself, became more reserved, pushing people further away.

But now, maybe, just maybe there is someone in this world that accepts me for who I am. I can live with that.

Once again, that small smile made an appearance on my face, and I don’t think I could get rid of it even if I wanted to. “Hey slowpoke! Hurry up or they’re going to sell out of the good stuff,” Melissa yelled from down the street. I jogged down to meet her, having the cold wind blast in my face.

“I don’t get how you are surviving in the cold,” I gritted through shivering teeth.

“Well maybe its because I actually wear layers instead of only a leather jacket just because it keeps with you biker aesthetic,”

“Aesthetics are important,”

She laughed and we continued walking in comfortable silence. It was then I realized that she never ended up answering my question, but I didn’t want to push her away by prying so I kept my mouth shut.

…

A couple hours later, and I was standing back inside my apartment with all the food and drinks that Kiera had sent me out to get. Melissa and I had said goodbye at the lobby of our apartment, leaving me the entire lift ride up to contemplate everything that had happened today. For the first time since Kiera forced the feelings out of me, I had almost spent an entire day with Melissa. God, if it was possible I think I may have fallen harder for her. The way she walked, the way she held herself, the brightness she emitted, her laugh, the way her eyes glistened and lit up the minute you spoke of something she loved. The way her eyes and freckles glowed when sunlight hit them. Everything about her was just… perfect.

“Sweethearts, isn’t this your floor?” some kind old lady pointed out. I looked at the number on the lift. Shit it was my floor. Quickly I ran out, thanking the old lady before dashing down the hall. Stopping at my door, I fumbled with the keys, interesting them quickly, and dashing inside. Kiera, being the F.R.I.E.N.D.S fanatic that she was, made the apartment to exactly resemble Monica’s, which was completely fine by me, because let’s be honest here, who doesn’t like that show? I dumped the snakes on the coffee table, grabbed the drinks and stuffed them into the refrigerator. I checked my watch and swore. Barley half an hour till people started to come. Spending time with Melissa made me completely forget that there was an actual party that relied on this food, and a roommate who was more than capable of hiding my body after she murdered me if I botched this up.

“Where the hell have you been,” came her demanding voice as she stormed into the living room, halfway through applying her eye-liner.

“I, uh, got sidetracked,” I said, shrugging.

She sighed, exasperated, “Listen, sweetheart, I am so glad that you finally have the guts to talk to Melissa to her face, but could maybe you know, wait until after the party is over? This is literally going to be my last party of the year and I am not going to ruin this,”

When Kiera was like this, it was better to not get in her way, so I went into my room and left her to her own organizing, or whatever it is she did during parties. To be honest, even though I was her roommate, I had never been to one of Kiera’s parties. I know, I am such a shitty roommate, but I can’t handle it sometimes. Too much people, too much noise, everyone laughing, and everything blurs together and you have no idea whether they are laugh with or at you. I would prefer not to take that chance at all, which is why, to show my appreciation I am just her errand girl. Plopping down on my bed, I grabbed the book nearest to me, The shadow between us by Tricia Levenseller and began to read. Reading has been a savior of mine for as long as I can remember, and I have never been more grateful that I could just disappear into a world where you could forget about all your real-life issues and delve into scandals and betrayals and forbidden love that could make your toes curl. Especially I have never been more grateful as I heard guests begin to pile in, with their over enthusiastic yells of joy, how happy they were to see Kiera, how amazing the place looked, so on and so forth. Never have I understood the need for all the theatrics, but then again, I am not here to judge Kiera. We all have different likes. As the night went on, I ended up finishing the books, which took me longer than I had expected, but then again I had to tone down all my cries of excitement when Kallias and Alessandra kissed, which left incapacitated for a good two minutes. I checked the time. 11:55.

I was just about to give in to my tiredness and sleep when there was a knock at my door. Surprised, I got up to open it.

“Hey. I didn’t see you outside and I really need to talk to you. Can I come in?” Melissa quipped.

“Sure. Is everything ok?” I asked.

She came in and sat on my bed, crossed legs and looked me while I hovered nervously at the door.

“I broke up with Alex,”

“Oh my God. Are you ok? How did it happen?” I said, my eyes wide. Inside, sure I was cheering, but I know they had a deep relationship and I wanted her to be ok.

She ignored all of that, “Listen, we only have fifteen minutes to talk. I want to get the timing perfect, so please don’t interrupt me,”

After making sure I would stay quiet she went on, “Listen, I- I don’t know how to put this into words, so just bear with me. I broke up with them because, I never really felt a spark in the relationship. I care about them, I really do, but not in that way. Never in that way. Listen, its getting confusing, and i know this is happening really quickly but i have been waiting far too long to get this off my chest. Its...,” she trailed off sighing, “Its because I like someone else,”

I was struck speechless, but still I said nothing. Why was she telling me this?

“I’ve loved, yes loved, that personal for years, but I never knew whether they had any feelings for me, so I stayed quiet. Until, one faithful night, I overheard them talking with Kiera,’

Melissa then turned at me with knowing eyes, creasing as they smiled, “I know it’s you Naina,”

Still could not get a single word out of my mouth, causing her to laugh.

“You- you love me?” I squeaked, “But why?”

“I could ask you the same thing. All I know is I love you, no matter what. It was terrifying, you know, seeing you every day, trying to figure out whether my feelings were reciprocated or not,” she mused

“I know. I felt the same,” I took a deep breath before asking my next question, “But wait for the right time? What did you mean?”

She grinned and looked at the clock. It was almost midnight, “I wanted our first kiss to be at the perfect time. A new year, a new start,”

“First kiss?” I stuttered

She laughed again. This beautiful, wondrous human being who loved me back and who wanted to start the new year with me, laughed, “Naina, kiss. I want to kiss you. You do know how kissing works right?” she teased, getting off the bed and coming closer to me. Our height difference was laughable, I was an entire foot taller, but it didn’t matter. Outside the room, everyone began counting down.

“3… 2… 1…,” she whispered before our lips connected.

Let me tell you know, no book, no movie, no story could have every prepared me for the thrill, the excitement, the ecstasy that comes with a first kiss. A first kiss that happens between two people are in love. I felt like the touch of her lips would be enough to undo me, and the kiss lasted far too short. But as we looked into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t feel anything but joy. Together we smiled, at the new year, and the new start for us, and with everybody on the outside of my room we yelled, “Happy New Year!”