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Funny American Fiction

The right hook landed clean.

Vincent must have thrown a million punches in his life; he’d probably been hit by just as many. There was nothing he understood better, nothing that felt more familiar. He knew the fight was over as a contest.

Joe Maddison reeled back, he instinctively raised his hands to protect his face but he looked like a sailor trying to keep his balance amidst a storm. His legs unsteady beneath him, he staggered backward drunkenly.

Vincent felt the moment, heavy around him. Normally when he fought, he was a blank slate, all sinew and instinct, a shark. But here in this moment he had total clarity of thought. He felt like he had time to take in the crowd, they were a mix of shocked awe and ravenous calls for blood. The lights above were uncomfortably bright, the noise in the arena so loud and coming from so many sources that it became almost soothing, like listening to the sea rage.

His whole life had been building to this moment, he’d been told that over and over again. He’d told himself that. He’d visualized this ever since he laced up a pair of gloves as a scrawny teenager. All the early mornings, all the physical and mental punishment, all the pressure, it was all so he could be here in this moment.

He watched Maddison sway and try to balance on his legs like they were stilts. He was going down any second now and it would be oh so pretty. A purist’s knockout, one clean strike amongst the grappling and jabbing. No fumbled follow ups that glanced the shoulder, no swings at air as the opponent dropped. If he waited here on the periphery, he could watch it all with the best seat in the house and admire the brutal artistry of it all.

Vincent had never really thought much about appreciating artistic merit though. He took one step forward and ended it with a flurry of punches as his opponent fell like a great oak. The spectacle was ruined from the purist’s perspective, but the fight was over.

Vincent looked down at crumpled Joe Maddison and rolled the words ‘Heavy Weight Champion of the World’ over in his mind. He felt nothing.

Ladies and Gentlemen what a fight we have witnessed here tonight. A momentous occasion where for once the fight lived up to the hype. Joe Maddison came here of the back of seven straight title defenses, an old lion, majestic yes, but still king? Well Vincent Dakota thought not, and he leaves with the crown after a sensational knockout! Ten grueling rounds and they couldn’t be separated, I have to say that here in the booth I thought we were going to go the distance, but greatness knocked and Dakota answered. We’re familiar with his inspirational story of course, growing up in Detroit dreaming of one day being the champ, tragically an orphan by fifteen, he was taken in by his boxing coach the late Donovan Dixon. The journey to the top hasn’t been easy but he stands at the pinnacle of the sport at 31, a champion. I’m just being told down at ringside Sally Ling is with Vincent Dakota now.

“Thank you, Chuck. Vincent, how does it feel to be the heavy weight champion of the world?”

“Honestly, it feels profoundly underwhelming. I mean what am I even doing? What has this all been about? I thought I’d feel complete, but I just feel empty.”

“Eeeehhhh ok, wow, I think what you’re saying Vincent is that you feel overwhelmed, is that right? You can’t believe what you’ve just achieved.”

“No, I wouldn’t say that, in fact I believe with regards to whelmedness I said the exact opposite. What I am saying is that I hoped that achieving this goal would fill some giant empty hole in my soul, but it’s so clear to me now that it won’t. Now I can’t help but see the foolishness and futility of my whole life’s endeavor.”

“Right well that is certainly a very interesting and surprising train of thought Vincent. Are you sure you’re feeling ok, do you perhaps need to talk to the medic? Perhaps, you have a concussion?”

“Oh, I definitely have a concussion, Sally. Most definitely! No doubt about that. I’ve been hit in the head dozens of times tonight by someone who really hits pretty hard. But that’s just my day to day isn’t it? I mean I have absolutely caused myself and my opponents permanent brain damage for the sake of people’s entertainment. I mean what’s it all about, Sally?”

“Well, I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer that Vincent, but I do know that you’ve made the people of Detroit very proud tonight. Is there anything you’d like to say to them?”

“I would say, thank you for all your support, Detroit but let’s be real you support me in an effort to bask in some misguided sense of reflected perceived glory and to take pride in something that really doesn’t relate to you in any way. If I wasn’t a success you’d cross the street to avoid me and treat my ass as disposable. So actually! I retract my earlier thank you and instead I say to you Detroit, ‘you’re welcome’ because they should be thanking me!”

“Ok, let’s not talk to Detroit any more Vincent!”

“You know Sally, I could have been anything. I’m not a violent guy by nature, maybe I could have been a gardener, or a poet, somebody like that.”

“Do you read a lot of poetry Vincent?”

“Truthfully Sally, I do not. I don’t read much of anything because I barely went to school and have been training my whole life to beat people up, but you are missing my point! What is this whole song and dance about?”

“Money Vincent! If we get right down to it, it’s about money. I’m here because I’m getting paid. You got paid 45 million dollars for this fight tonight! Do you know how much gardeners and poets get paid?? I’m going to guess you don’t but it’s a lot less than that!”

“That is a fair and well-made point Sally. I am fabulously wealthy, that is true. After a moment to collect my thoughts, I would like to apologize to the people of Detroit for my earlier hastily made comments, I was not myself. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my sponsor Snickers, you guys are the real champs.”

“Chuck, back to you.”

Thank you, Sally. A fascinating interview with the new champion of the world there, as nimble with his words as he is with his feet. He is sure to be a worthy champion for years to come.

June 03, 2023 00:01

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2 comments

Chris Miller
20:18 Jun 12, 2023

Nothing like $45,000,000 to clear your mind! Fun story, William. Thanks for sharing.

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William Simon
16:13 Jun 13, 2023

Thanks Chris!

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