Falling in Love After Falling Apart

 How could things be so out of my control? My entire life is turning upside down. Things aren't ever going to be the same. I sat in my eighth grade math class glaring at the test facing me from my desk. I was rereading question number one so much that I began seeing double and triple letters all morphing together and then spreading out onto the page. A tear welled up in my eye and I almost let it fall until I heard a deep voice behind me say, "Do you have an extra pencil?" My thoughts were so deep that I didn't know how to answer his question. I turned around and looked into his glossy hazel eyes as he whipped his dark brown hair out of his face. "A pencil?" I asked. "Yeah", he giggled, "the utensil you use to write with." "Oh right." I responded quickly while searching my bag for one. Mortified when I found the extra pencil I had hidden at the bottom of the bag, I handed him a sparkly pink pencil and turned back around as he laughed out a "thanks". I couldn't focus on my test now, not because I was sad, but because I felt like that situation could have gone so much smoother. I sulked down in my seat until the end of class. As I handed my blank test in, the deep voice followed me to the door. "Here's your pencil." he said. I grabbed it and headed for my locker. He followed me and asked if I was okay. I nodded yes and left him for the bathroom. That night he was all I could think of.

The next morning I fixed my hair and did my makeup. I wanted him to notice me. I sat in math class flipping my hair so that he would look up. A tap on my shoulder was inviting. I changed the smile on my face to a nonchalant look before I turned around. I looked at him shockingly. The words and I quote "Can I have your number" actually came from between his luscious pale pink lips. I couldn't believe it. I wrote my number upside down on his school paper with a heart around it. After school I hurried to my room and stared at my phone receiver waiting for the red light to turn green as it did when it rang. Forty minutes passed as I saw the green light. The caller ID had his last name. I was so excited. I took a deep breath and answered "hello." After hesitation he asked if I was home. I laughed, "you couldn't tell it was me?" We talked on the phone for hours about our favorite things and what we liked to do and all the things going on at school. He loved hip hop music and I loved writing. Finally, he said, "I noticed you seemed sad yesterday. Can I ask you why?" How could he notice that from behind me. I began realizing that he must have paid attention to me prior to the moment he asked to borrow my pencil. No one had wondered if I was doing okay since it happened. Even my friends were distant.

  I took a gulp of air and said, "my mother died." At that moment and in that vulnerable admittance, I knew I was in love. I could tell from his empathy that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He cried when I told him how my mother had been diagnosed with cancer and had fought hard but didn't make it. I told him how much I loved her and that her death was the worst thing I've ever been through and probably will ever go through. But, ever since he spoke to me, my mind was excited. I felt butterflies and the yearning to discover more of these emotions. He had captured my thoughts, my hopes and my dreams. I was infatuated like no other at the worst time in my life. I knew he was the one. Twenty years later I look back at this as one of the best and worst times of my life. I think of him writing with a bright sparkly pencil, when he had one all along, just to talk to me. I think of his questions and concerns for my feelings and coming to my mother's funeral only a few days later. He stayed with me throughout my dad's addiction and the state taking me into foster care. He was on the stage with me as we graduated from high school. He moved me into his home once I aged out of the foster care system. He held my hand at my father's funeral. He vowed to me a lifetime of faithfulness as we got married. He jumped for joy when my pregnancy test showed a positive sign. He cared about me when no one else did and supported my achievements in place of my Mother as he would tell me "she'd be so proud". Twenty years after he asked me why I was sad in school that day and a three year old sleeping next to my side later, As I'm typing this story one thing is for sure, I truly was in love for the first time.