Where You Long

TW: suicidal ideation

It was all but a dream to some.

But to me, every bit of it is vividly engraved to the back and

ends of my mind. I remember your figure perfectly as the hands of the ocean

brings you towards me. I remember the scorching sand burning through my skin as

I ran towards you. The contrast of the warmth in your smile as the coolness of

the water splashes through my clothes.

I remember you.

Every habit and manner you sport from the first day that we met.

How you talk about your dreams like no one else does. You were everything but

lost.

The sparkle in your eyes are as cloudless like all of the days that I was with you.

You were a charisma.

I used to stay awake at night full of doubt and uncertainty, but knowing that I have you to look forward to the next day, lulls me to sleep. There wasn’t a sleepless night knowing that you were better than the dreams that comfort me in slumber.

You made my world turn.

You kept me grounded even when days seemed so wicked and relentless. Barging into life with a pack full of smiles and cheers. Even when rain mercilessly pours down, cancelling everything we’ve prepared for the day. You would laugh. You would look up at me with adornment on your face and brighten up the day.

You were vast.

Like the ocean that roars into the night as we stare off into the darkness. When the line where sky meets the water disperses into oblivion. You would talk about the beauty within the turmoil of the ocean whereas other people would’ve been afraid of. The storm and rage that the calm sea holds during the day. You saw it.

But I was blind.

I remember you. As lucid as the day you left me. I should’ve seen you… looked at you. I should’ve paid attention. That the sparkle in your eyes weren’t encouragement for me to take. They were a silent plea for help. That the warmth in your smiles were there to tell yourself that you’re okay.

I should’ve listened to you.

Rather than listening to the erratic heartbeats that I had, I should’ve listened to the pain in your voice. As you spiritedly empathized with the ocean, you were pouring out yourself. I should’ve listened. Then I should’ve known that the storm wasn’t coming from the distance but beside me. That the screams of your own are louder than the waves crashing along the shore. More powerful than the current that people feared.

I should’ve known.

You were drowning. Longing for rest and utopia in a world seemingly forsaken by the sun. You were begging for me. Asking me for help just as I was clawing for survival. Clinging on to you for air when I was dragging you further into the place you were asking to be saved from.

“You were everything but lost”

I was wrong. You were everything, but lost. Your tears weren’t shed and your heart was locked. You were letting me see right through but I saw my own reflection as I stared at you. It wasn’t a mirror but a door. You were seeking to be found but I never looked your way. Now there’s nothing left for me to hear. Nothing left for me to see, but myself muttering the words, “I’m sorry”. My world fell apart and there was nothing I could do but let the ocean swallow my tears and torment as I remember everything you had to offer.

You made my world a better place not knowing that I’m destroying yours. It wasn’t fair. No, it wasn’t. But it also wasn’t fair that you poured out to me not knowing what to do with the ripples of your waters.

 The day that I met you, everything was so clear. The sun was shining bright and the future lies ahead. I thought you would be there with me. Sitting cozy with the comfort of the sea. Repeatedly caressing the heat away. I remember you perfectly, the figure of you emerging from the sea as the water brings you to me. The way that you would adore them with longing. Just like how I long for you now.

You were a liar.

I shouldn’t be alone right now regretting everything. It should’ve been you. It should’ve been you missing me when I finally succumbed to the pitting screams of my soul to end everything. You dragged me from my sea of melancholy only to leave me drowning in an ocean. It should’ve been you who’s sleepless from the nights that chip away the rest of my being as I replay you in my mind.

I wished I never met you.

If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve given up. You took away the only escape I long for and now you rest along with the stars that mockingly shines in the night. Reminding me of your smiles. The glimmer of tears you never shed as you bottled everything up.

I remember you.

I remember your words as you long to be one with the water. In a deafening serenity as it embraces your body, lulling you to eternal sleep. A dream you yearn for as we stare into the night. I should’ve known that you weren’t talking figuratively. That maybe you really wanted to disappear. Then we wouldn’t be in this situation right now, with you slumbering into the night and you vividly engraved into my mind. You made me want to live even when you felt like dying.

Now I know.

           I never did fully understand you. Now I’m left here all alone, staring at the stars, wishing you were me instead. You were longing for so long and at last you’re with the one you truly desired. In the holds of the freezing trenches of the night. Slowly being swallowed by the ends of the ocean.

Where you long.