The two men in black

“This is the building, Johnson,” Agent Cruz said, brushing the lint off his suit. The other agent exited the black 2008 Crown Victoria and walked to the entrance of an old, red brick apartment building.

Cruz glanced up at the yellowish light emanating from the windows, he heard yelling coming from one of them. “It’s been 30 years since we grew up here Johnson… Can you believe that?”

The other agent remained silent. They both entered the apartment building, slowly walking up the creaky old stairs, and down the yellowed, linoleum hallways. A lady grabbing the newspaper off her doormat glanced up at the two men in suits, and ran inside and quickly, slamming her door; the sound of a heavy chain locking behind it. The two agents continued up the next flight of stairs and entered the next floor.

Cruz stopped in front of a door with a large 29 on it. A man’s voice could be heard yelling. “This is it.”

Johnson pounded on the door. The yelling stopped, and the door swung open with great force. A sweaty man with a white, and equally sweaty wife beater shirt opened the door.

“What!?” The man demanded. Both agents proceeded to hold out their badges.

“Good evening sir, I’m Agent Cruz; this is Agent Johnson. Do you mind if we come in for a second?”

The man stammered, trying to figure out why there were two men with sunglasses on at his door. And at night! “Y-yes of course. Come in.”

The two agents entered the apartment. It was a small 2 bedroom apartment that had a musty smell to it. The scent of alcohol was strong, and dishes were piled up in the sink. The TV was on, and two children were sitting on the stained couch. A boy and a girl. The boy appeared to be older, and had a large welt on his face. This, both agents recognized immediately.

“Kids, off to bed now,” the man said evenly. The two children ran into one of the rooms.

“Those are some beautiful children you have there Mr. Merrill. I’m sure you’ve been treating them well,” Johnson said.

“Oh, yes, of course,” the man said a little dazed. His resolve hardened briefly. “How did you know my name?”

“We know everything about you. Your name, your address, the car you drive, your history, relationships, even your home life,” Cruz said threateningly.

The man grew a little paler. “wh- why would you-”

“How many times do you think you’ve hurt your children in the last week, Mr. Merrill?” Johnson asked.

“I don’t know what you’re-”

“Oh! So you want to play games with us? We can play games! You want to know how Joker got his scars?” Cruz pulled out a small knife.

“You can’t do this to me! This is illegal! I’ll sue you-”

“According to the government, we don’t even exist…” Johnson interrupted.

The man’s face grew even paler.

Cruz stepped back, put away the knife and walked over to a dusty picture frame with a cracked glass cover in the corner. “Let’s keep talking about your kids, shall we?”

“Sure, whatever you want to know…”

“That’s the spirit! Now… What was I saying again?” Johnson paused for effect as though he’d forgotten “That’s right. How many times in the last week do you think you hurt your kids?”

“I don’t know, maybe once or twice” He muttered.

“That’s rather funny. I was watching the surveillance. I counted twenty six. Twenty six times you laid hands on your children to harm them. Does that seem a little more accurate to you?” Cruz said more aggressively.

The man seemed to sink lower and lower into the squeaky couch. “Look, I got a little drunk a few times-”

“A little drunk? So, it’s the alcohol’s fault, huh?” Cruz commented.

Johnson shook his head. “It sounds to me like we need to get rid of this guy’s alcohol, Agent Cruz. You wouldn’t mind that, would you Mr. Merrill?”

“Of course not. Take all you need,” The man stammered out.

“Perfect. It’s all settled then. Your kids are under our protection now. If you so much as lay a finger on them…” Johnson pointed to the man’s shirt.

A red laser was directly on the man’s chest. The man looked to the building across the street where all he could see was the little red dot emanating from a window. He dove across the room in a semi-drunken, improvised tactical roll. The laser followed him long enough for him to see it follow him, and then disappeared.

“We aren’t going to have any more problems, will we?” Johnson asked.

“No! No. I swear, we won’t!” Mr. Merrill said between drunken sobs.

“Excellent!” Said Cruz. “I’m going to go talk to your kids so they know what you’re allowed to do, and what not to do.” He walked to the bedroom the two children were in, and opened the door.

In the room lay a single mattress on the wood floor, the two children lying on it with a thin blanket. “Charlie, how’s your face feeling?” Cruz asked.

“It still hurts a little, but it’s ok,” the little boy said.

“Charlie, I want to show you something.” Agent Cruz pulled out a small key fob with a button on it. “If your dad ever tries to hurt you or your sister again, just push this button, and I’ll send some police officers to come help you out.”

“Why can’t you come?” The little boy asked.

Agent Cruz’s face lips pursed a little. “When I gave my FBI presentation to your class at school, I had to drive a long way to do it. My office is very far from here.”

The boy’s face fell a little “Oh.”

“I’ll still come by every once in a while, but I won’t be able to be the first person to show up if something happens, so I need you to be brave for me, ok?

The boy’s face brightened again. “Agent Cruz? I want to be just like you when I grow up!”

Cruz smiled. “You will be. I know it.” He stepped out of the room again, shutting the door. “Mr. Merrill, your kids have a way to communicate with me if you do anything to them again. And don’t get any ideas about buying more alcohol until you’ve learned to control yourself. Until you can prove that, I’ll be placing a ban on your ID. If you try to buy any more, we’ll come after you. Is that clear?”

Mr. Merrill nodded silently.

“We’ll be leaving now. It better be the only time we need to come by,” Johnson said.

The two agents exited the apartment and walked to their car. As soon as they were outside, they both burst out laughing.

“Did you see the look on his face when he saw the laser pointer?” Cruz asked.

“I wish I had taken a picture!” Johnson said.

“How did it go?” A voice said coming out of a building window.

“Hey, Martinez! That was amazing timing with the laser pointer!” Cruz said.

“Nice! Yeah, I’ll just stay here for another hour or so to make sure he doesn’t get cocky.”

“Thanks man!” Cruz said. He turned to Johnson getting in the car. “When you interrupted him saying we didn’t exist, I had to do everything in my power to keep from laughing.” Cruz started the car, and started driving “This is what I always thought the FBI was like. You remember Agent Sadoski when we were kids? When he scared both our parents straight? That’s when I wanted to be an FBI agent just like him.”

Johnson chuckled at the memory. “Let’s just hope Mr. Merrill doesn’t realize that we’re actually not allowed to do that,” Johnson said.

“We don’t exist, remember?” Cruz let out a laugh and prepared himself for the 3-hour drive back to the office.