I am a horrible introvert.

I have always wanted to stay at home alone. I want my private life in which I can be as savage as I want to be, private bathroom where I can do any weird makeups without anyone to laugh at them, private kitchen where I can bake, cook and steam any cuisines I want without being yell at wasting ingredients, private television which I can change channels all by my wish, and private backyard where I can sing out loud with my bird friends and plants. What a wonderful world.

I was not always an introvert.

When I was born, I was the happiest baby in the hospital. I was the loudest child before I was at 10 months old and my nanny dropped me down the stair from the second floor. Since then, I was muted for a while. Sometimes I blamed her for making me not so smart. Anyway, With struggles, I was like a monkey, which is also my animal zodiac sign, very naughty and rebellious. At the same time, I was a perfectionist with which I always wanted to be the first in competitions. I entered a lot of juvenile little games and always wanted to be the boss. My parents were too busy at their work and they didn’t have time to train me not to be always so cocky. I gradually thought this was the right thing to do through out my life. I always keep myself to be competitive without slowing down and thinking about others. I feel sorry for those people whom I should have empathy for. At this moment, I was a very outgoing, happyish and a child didn’t even think of consequences of all my act. I thought life could be just this happy and I was like the centre of the universe. My parents barely asked about my academic life and just let me go wild. That’s where it goes completely wrong. I fell in love with books and getting A pluses in school, and I thought getting less then 90s and not being praised by teachers were such a shame. I managed to be one of the best students in school while both of my parents are nothing related to academia.

My parents honestly just wanted me to be happy, but my Virgo’s perfectionism didn’t get adjusted and fixed by their talking and guidance, and I was so dump that I didn’t even notice my stupid moves, I just kept this personalities which made me a person who could barely endure failures and sadness, and I gradually lost the ability to stand back up from the bottom of a valley. 

I managed to be like this kept getting A pluses until I reached to University. In university, I picked a program which was advertised to be very cool and life-saving. I thought I could have a lot of competitive events here and thought I could continue to be cocky in this environment. Then I found that I was wrong. University was so hard and there had too many, I mean, too many Genius in school who had brilliant ideas. I was just like a hardworking slave to them. With my hardworking and blunting skills, compare to their musical, intelligent and efficient learning skills, I could barely breath in school. Luckily I managed to graduate from this program after four years, I was relieved.

But the most terrible thing just started. After four years of college, I was so protected and my parents barely talked to me about being a worker in society and the hardship of getting employed, I almost failed my first attempt to enter the society. I tried to submit my resume, but no one wanted to hire me because I had zero working experience in the society and having no connection with any professionals. I was depressed and sad, feeling helpless and scared. I thought the world was perfect that I could do a lot of great things just like those people on the television and Youtube, I thought I could be doing some life-changing events like those professors at my school, I thought I could be driving fancy cars and carrying big-brand designer’s bag in the middle of downtown. I was wrong. This society was like a monster, a vampire sucking all my blood until I was drained to death. I felt the merciless and the cut-throat competition in the society and for the first time I kind of feeling empathetic to those homeless people who were living the government shelters and drinking alcohol all day long. I didn’t know what to do, and what was lying ahead of me. I could only see darkness and sadness, and at this very moment, I know I had post traumatic stress disorder, and probably depression.

For more than two years I didn’t get a job but just writing poetries, making random toys, playing my piano and violin and drawing at home. I gave up keeping my body in shape and stopped cutting my hair and going out to social. However, all these creative activities which I didn’t need to follow rules and laws actually helped me to be more positive and I was feeling much better than I was before. By telling myself to the world, with my creative imagination, I felt there was an improvement in my mental health. I gradually thought the life at home was so much better than going outside and getting bullied by people. I was scared to get out but staying at home to enjoy my perfect little life.

I know this is wrong, but who can I blame? Should I blame my parents for not being with me for all my childhood, so I became so dependent on them and lack of the ability to just survive in the society? Should I blame myself being so single-minded or just dump to be so rebellious? I am not sure. The only way for me right now, it is to talk to God everyday, and continues working from home and my crafting business without going out to see anyone or socialize with them. I am so horrible.

I think being an introvert is somehow genetic though, what do you think? Tell me your idea in your comment. Thank you.