Farewell

Life sucks, and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you’ll be. Now, you might be reading this, wondering when Kelsey Ranport became such a jerk. And to answer you, I would argue that I am not a jerk, but a fellow human being trying to inform you of what can be expected out of life-absolutely nothing. Really, you should be thanking me. Very few people have the guts to be honest about the cruel reality of things-nobody ever told me.

The TV flickers on and off for the thousandth time, and yes, I already called the cable guys, and the electricians, and whoever else there was to call. They’re all blaming it on the weather, but I think that the universe just happens to hate me. Why me specifically?-I don’t know, but these power outages are getting kind of irritating, especially when I’m on the last episode of season 3. Go ahead, say it-I’m a depressed teenager who likes to drown myself in the vast selections of movies and shows on FreeFlim.

“Stupid TV!” I yell. (and yes, I am aware that shouting at inanimate objects will not benefit me)

In response to my plea, the box turns off, now nothing but a black screen for me to gawk at. I curse and slam the remote against the coffee table-the coffee table that I happened to forget was made of glass. I look down, unsurprised, but no less angry, to see a thin crack in the once pristine surface of the table. Groaning, I run a hand through my hair. See, like I told you, life just sucks sometimes.

To be honest, my initial plan was to finish that last episode so I could die knowing how it all ended. So, that might explain the orange bottle of pills sitting on the now cracked coffee table, and no, they were not prescribed. Once you figure out that there’s no point to life, you’re fine with dying, so long as it’s painless. Now, yes, people have told me, “Life’s worth living.” or “You have so much to live for,” and my personal favorite, “Things will get better for you.” Frankly, they’ve been saying these things for months now. Does this change reality...no.

If the “weather” wasn’t causing so much trouble with the TV, let’s just say that I would be dead right now, not to sound grim, but you know what I mean. Anyways, you can only imagine my disapointment when I know that I can’t finish my stupid show-and the plot wasn’t even that great. Why do I watch the junk on TV? Because it’s there, and happens to give me some purpose in life. I guess I’ll just have to resort to Plan B...or, really-the second segment of Plan A.

Hastily, I snatch the pill bottle and unscrew the lid that comes off easily enough. There are eight pills inside the orange container, but I only need one...maybe two, just for good measure. I want to escape via a sleep that I won’t wake up from. People say I’m ignorant, but I think that I’m smarter than them...if only they knew that the one thing promised in life is death…

I fumble for two white pills and drop them in my mouth, swallowing them as quickly as I can. It doesn’t help that my mouth is so dry, but the pills eventually go down my throat. It will only be a matter of time now…

Without warning, my phone rings. Perfect timing, right? It’s probably work, asking me if I can come in today, or maybe firing me for not showing up again. It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?

I hesitate to pick up the phone that’s buzzing on the table, but what harm could it do to check? Shaking my head, I turn the sleek object over and look at the contact information displayed on the pale screen. Mom. Now, I’m actively freaking out, and not for the reasons you might expect. No, I’m freaking out because, well-my mom is dead.

I sit up and look at the number again. It has to be some sort of a joke, right? I heard the news of her death four months ago, I helped bury her, heck, I even did the floral arrangements for the casket, so how exactly am I getting a phone call from my deceased mother? Has to be a joke. Has to. I saw her dead body being placed in the coffin!

With trembling fingers, I pick up the phone and press the green button, scared of what might follow. There’s an audible hum before I hear her voice.

“Kelsey?”

It’s her. This shouldn’t be possible, no-this isn’t possible. I stand up promptly, shaking my head in disbelief.

“M-Mom?” I just barely manage to stutter.

“Kelsey, is everything okay? Have you been drinking?” asks her accusing voice.

How am I supposed to react to this?! Five minutes ago, I was sure that my mom was dead, and now, I’m clearly hearing her voice. There has to be something else to this. What am I missing? Should I be grateful or terrified? Both-definitely both.

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” I mumble into the phone.

“What are you going on about? I just wanted to know if you could pick me up from the station later today. Your father said he was going to be late.”

This doesn’t make any sense!

“You-Mom, you’re...alive right now? Like, you’re not dead and buried in the cemetery?”

I get my mother’s signature “you’re crazy” laugh.

“Kelsey, that isn’t funny! Okay, well if you can’t pick me up, I can catch the bus. What time do you go to work?”

Work?...Right, work. Actually, I haven’t been to work in a few days. Pretty sure I’m fired. What the heck is happening right now? I almost wish I was superstitious. Maybe then, I could believe that this was some ghost of my mother warning me about whatever was to come. Actually, that’d be kind of cool...please be some kind of ghost…

Or, maybe it’s some sort of elaborate prank. There are plenty of people who know my mom died. Right, that’s all it is.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“What day is it?” I ask, sure that this will expose the truth.

“February 12th? Kelsey, are you okay?”

Unbelievable. So, this is real then, isn’t it? I couldn’t be dreaming, right? I shut my eyes tight and reopen them, disappointed to see the blank walls of my apartment and the mess that’s strewn around the room. No, this is real. So what do I do now? It’s obvious, isn’t it? I look for purpose.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course, Dear! Why would you even ask something like that?!” she laughs into the phone.

“It’s just...life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.” I admit, sitting back down on the couch, feeling lightheaded.

“Honey, you’re talented and you work hard! I know you’ll do great things some day. Don’t you dare doubt yourself…”

Correction: I used to be hardworking, sure. I used to be so...ambitious, as my mom used to say. I’d like to think that my mother knows me better than anyone, better than even myself, but does that rule still apply if my mother is dead?...is supposed to be dead?

She continues: “I know things have been hard for you with all of the tests and assessments, but I know you’ll do well.”

“How do you know?” I ask, feeling tears begin to well in my eyes.

My heart feels heavy as all the emotions and feelings come back. Ever since my mom died, things had been hard. I blocked myself off from people, I stopped trying, I lost hope. If she could see me now, she’d be so disappointed. But, evidently, my mom has no idea what I’m going through. If she’s alive, then that means that...my life can go back to normal, right? No, because either way, we’re all going to die, right? So why not just get it over with then?

“We’re all going to die, right?” I ask stupidly.

“Kelsey, you’re scaring me.”

“Just hear me out, kay? I mean...if you and me are eventually going to die...then why not just get it over with?”

“You’re not thinking about-”

“No, no, no! Of course not!” I lie, “I’m just wondering...it’s a question for English...a book we’re reading...supposed to be thought provoking or something.”

Yes, it is a weak lie, but I never thought that I’d be forced to lie to a dead person. Besides, my heart’s beating too fast to really focus on anything but the rapid thumping of it as it supplies me with blood, or whatever the heart does.

“Oh, Kelsey…” I can practically hear her smiling and I wish that I could just wrap myself in her warm embrace, “We can’t live like that...you were put here for a reason. Yes, we’re all going to die, but that’s why you can’t take a single second for granted.”

A tear runs down my cheek. Why do mothers have to be so wise? My world is tumbling around me, not that it wasn’t before, but now, it’s worse. Ten minutes ago, I was sure about killing myself, but now...now, listening to my mother say those few words, not even trying to convince me not to do it...I’m almost worse off.

“Kelsey?” she asks.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

We spent so many nights saying this tired old phrase to each other when she was still alive, and since she died, I had only dreamed of saying those words to her, and now, I have a chance to make that dream into a reality, however strange, however unnatural.

“I love you too.” I whisper, not holding back the streams of water that begin to escape my eyes.

A ringing sounds and I know that my mother is gone. In my heart, I wonder, hope really, that I will hear her soft voice again, but she’s gone-for good this time, and I’m not sure what invisible force convinces me of this fact, but I’m not so torn about it as I was four months ago.

You never knew my mother, but trust me, there’s someone out there who cares about you. Do me a favor, and don’t make the same mistake I made. What mistake is that, you might be asking. Well, let’s just say that I’m feeling tired. I lay back on the couch and close my eyes, just waiting for whatever comes next.

My last thought: Farewell to the world.