An Internal Treatise on the Notion of Spring

I could never figure out what joy there is to be found in spring. Sure, I could probably understand from a child’s perspective, all the vibrant colors, the birds and the bees fluttering about, the excited invitations to come play with them and roll around in the dirt and mud, kicking up God knows how much pollen to invade the noses of everyone around them. Yes, all of these things are wonderful for a child, they are living what people call “their best life” in that moment. To think that being in such a populated park filled with so many strangers like myself and the other children, and their parents, so on and so forth, could be the peak of happiness in the springtime. 

I could also consider the birthday party I saw earlier today. Such a joyous occasion, to be surrounded by those whom you call family and friends for one day out of the year. 

But then what? 

Would they be this celebratory later in that young girl’s life? How many of those same friends would she keep? Would her parents still love each other? Continue to love her, even? They should, the child was quite adorable. The beaming smile and screams of joy as they served her the biggest slice of cake! Life, for her, probably couldn’t get any better. Such a shame that we don’t appreciate the small little things like that anymore. We’d rather focus on all the small things that annoy and bother us instead of enjoying the simple things. Like a piece of average cake. I hope, for her sake, she keeps that smile for the rest of her natural life. She seemed to be a fragile thing. Will the warm comfort of springtime’s sunlight will guide her through the stormy days?

No matter. I am no mere child.

Maybe I could still enjoy something like that, despite my age?

While on the subject of parties, there was also a graduation party I walked past, not too long ago actually. The screams of laughter alone would have woken up any nearby neighbors had they had it at their place of residence. I guess that explains why they are present at this hour. All the popping bottles, the lost balloons rising, every generation of family had to be there. It reminded me of the little girl’s birthday party, except this celebration was one of him being born into a young man, ready to “conquer life’s challenges” or whatever the hell they put on motivational posters. 

Furthermore, I have noticed, especially today, that springtime seems to bring out the shine in everyone, the kind that blinds you with overflowing optimism. It’s impressive really. The months of March, April, and May, April especially, have the unnatural ability to reach into every individual and extract their good nature, the kindness that resides “in all of God’s children”. Or at least that’s what I remember my pastor telling me. How many years has it been since I’ve seen him? Funny, his name was Pastor Springfield.

Am I a child of God that hasn’t had his light extracted yet? I’m sure it’s something Pastor Springfield would say if I ever return to that church. 

Speaking of church, I find it no accident that spring is also the time we celebrate the rebirth of the Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ. Yet another symbol of joy for people during the spring. For children, it’s the ravenous hunt for brightly colored, poorly designed eggs in someone’s backyard. For adults, it’s the time everyone can dress up in colors that belong to a nursery school and talk about either how great the service was or gossip about their issues all out of the earshot of the pastor. Could that be where people get their joy as well? Talking about their religious leader in such a distasteful yet mildly interesting way? If so, then that method certainly isn’t for me, no matter how humorous I may find it.  

How about the couples that are watching the sunset on their blankets probably found in their basement that were freshly washed, eating food that they made themselves or were last night’s leftovers? Some of them are walking back drunkenly, locked hand in hand, knowing that they're going to have a great time tonight. I hope they stay safe and it's consensual. I saw others captured by the embrace of the left arm, the universal symbol of “You’re mine”, in a positive connotation of course, without words. How they profess the words “I love you!” to each other over and over! The look of satisfaction and awkward laughter that follows. It almost brings a smile to my face, but not from joy. 

It would’ve been out of pure jealousy. 

To commit in one’s youth is either a death wish, or once again, I hypothesize, the peak of joy found especially during the springtime, depending on who you ask of course. 

But I hold no partnership with anyone. At least, not anymore.

No matter how many times I think I have found the answer to what makes springtime the seemingly happiest time of the year, I still find nothing. I have inquired about the various methods many times and have gone so far to even question my supposed “friends” about this. Naturally they didn’t understand. What should I do more often in the spring to find the joy? Everyone is always telling me, “just think happy thoughts” or “look at the positive side of things”. They’re hard to see when I’m blinded by pollen and haunted by nightmares that always seem to worsen during this time. Is it too much to ask to try and find what can make me truly happy, especially during the spring? 

Is it, Martha? I hope you can see how hard I’m trying for you. For us. You always did tell me if I smiled more, the sun would smile back. 

I have yet to see the sun.