Eviction from Eden

“I’m sorry M’Dear, but I can’t wear these fig leaves anymore.” Adam said to his girl. “I am getting a rash in that area. What made you think we needed to wear fig leaves?” Adam’s girlfriend Evie kind of dropped her gaze, and mindlessly counted her toes. “I don’t know...come, on. I never liked the way that orangutan stared at my private area. He had a suggestive way of licking his lips... I didn’t like it, especially after we ate that smart fruit.” Adam’s head bowed at this news. He felt a little guilty about Eve’s embarrassment, but had tried to stare when she wasn’t looking his way. I will keep my eye on him, give him a smack or two for being so obvious, he said to himself. “Is there any more of that fruit left? I just can’t get that nice taste out of my mind.”

Eve looked with sad eyes over where that tree had been. There was just an ugly hole in the ground circled by loose dirt clods. The talking snake was gone too. He was such a refreshing mind here in the garden. The big guy in the sky was all cranky and bossy. The serpent had a whole new set of standards. Progressive stuff. He was teaching us to be free, adventurous. How were we to know He wanted all that fruit for himself? He only said, “Do not eat from the forbidden tree...” but he gave us no reason, just another bossy command.

  Adam was depressed, seemed to have a feeling like a chunk of that apple whatever was stuck in his throat. He leaned up against a pine tree, looking this meadow over for the last time. It was so nice here, lawn that stayed the same height, trees that gently swayed in that nice warm breeze, a lot of animal types running around. He thought about his duty as an animal nomenclaturist. He told himself, surely he could have come up with better names after eating the smart fruit. How he came up with orangutan for that monkey thing, he couldn’t fathom. He had been definitely mentally limited. Rusty or Hairy would have been much more concise and descriptive. And ‘elk’. That was another one. It was a sound he made after eating a fig too fast. Elk. He did like ‘turtle’. That thing looked like it turtled along all right. Much better than Mobile Shellback. Adam continued to muse about his career cut short by a Boss that didn’t like to share. They were told to get all their things together, they were being evicted. The only thing Adam could claim was his favorite walking stick, and that fig leaf. That fig leaf I shall leave behind. “Eve, you got your stuff ready to go?” Eve was just wandering around, kicking at acorns and stuff, wiping her eyes. Adam saw that she still wore those silly fig leaves, and was getting a pink rash from them.

  “Yeah, I guess. This was the nicest place we’ve ever lived...” That remark startled Adam who was remembering that it was the only place they ever lived. “Look. Let’s go stand by the gate, so He knows we’re trying to cooperate.”

  So they waited there by the entrance, exit gate feeling a little impatient. Finally, a winged guy with a pencil moustache and wearing a derby dropped out of the sky. “Sorry folks. My friend Gabriel had stopped by and was telling me some new jokes. I lost track of the time. So, anyway, the Boss said you snitched some of his fruit. Sure you should have known better. There were some of his best angels told Him, 'Don't plant it in Eden if You want it to be safe.' He expected a lot out of you mental midgets...hahahahaha. He won’t even let us have any either. But, here’s the eviction paper. Do you have a pen, we need to sign here...” Adam’s eyes widened, Eve looked confused. “What is... sye ning?” he asked. “Oh, you guys didn’t do the elementary school thing yet? Sorry. Look, lick your finger, touch the ground and then press it under your name...uh, those squiggly lines say ‘Adam’. Good, Eve. Can you do that too, please. Eve frowned and stared at the angel for a second or two. “Ooohhhkay.” She licked her finger and touched the ground, then pressed it under her name.  

  The angel pulled a shiny brass key out and unlocked the padlock on the gate. “Okay, get out, get out...out to the great slum of a desert. Hope you guys didn’t leave a mess for me...”

  Adam and Eve looked out over this vast wasteland of wind-blown sand hills, and thought, “Where are we supposed to go?” He turned to ask the angel, but it was all gone. Eden had disappeared.

  Any observer of the pair might’ve thought they were dancing, but they were turning in a circle, looking for a sensible direction. Adam stopped, leaned forward, and seemed to salute with his right hand over his eyes. “Look way over there, Eve. Are those trees? No, this way. Look ... way ... over ... there. See that, is that a tree?”

Adam didn’t know, but Eve was a bit near sighted. “What? I can’t see anything. What do you see?” Adam frowned at his girlfriend. “Never mind. Just follow me.” So they trudged forward in the sandy wind. Whenever they got to the top of a sand hill, Adam saluted again, searching the horizon. After a few hours, it was getting dark. Walking in this soft sand was very tiring. They felt thirsty. Their knees ached. They had to stop to rest every so often as the sun marched across the sky. They watched the sun go dowwn behind the distant hills. The sky was going dark. Unlike the moderate temperature of Eden, it started to get cold. Adam found himself shivering, and longed for the fig leaf he left behind. In the black of the night, he snuggled up next to Eve and finally fell asleep. He found this snuggling business had other benefits.  

  So, when the sun made the sky go light the next morning, he felt all smiley. Eve’s eyes fluttered open and was all smiley too. She raised her shoulder up to her cheek and looked all flirty. She kind of giggled, and put her fig leaves back on. Maybe this ain’t so bad, they both decided. There was a new feeling between this guy and his girl. They began to like each other.