Summer Stroll

The heat hits my face as I step out and I check the weather, 80 degrees. It’s not the longest walk, but it sure as hell isn’t the shortest either. This mid-July humidity doesn’t help make the distance feel any shorter. Only a couple steps away from the building and I have already started to sweat, a milestone I felt I’d reach at least 5 minutes in. I can feel it on my forehead and at the nape of my neck, not dripping but just enough that if I were with people it would make me self-conscious. I tie my hair up and hope this walk will be worth avoiding the car ride with my sister. I can’t help but feel a twinge of regret with the thought of the cool air conditioning that could have been hitting my face right about now.

Although it would have been a short drive, it would have felt like triple the distance with my sister. Only to arrive home before this lunch starts, forcing me to interact like I fully enjoy the company my family and their guest. I can feel my anxiety rising at just the thought of making small talk with my mom’s friends. God forbid I go upstairs to catch my breath without my sister or mother stating I’m being rude. Sometimes I get lucky and my dad will let me sneak off for a bit and when asked about my whereabouts he simply states I was sent on an errand. If given the chance to miss this, believe me id jump at it. I figured this walk would give me some peace before having to throw myself to these social wolves. A thought that occurred when trying to decide whether I should just walk out of the store after a heated argument with my sister. As well as the fact I’d be told to shower and change in order to be “presentable, as my mother would say. Peace. That’s all I needed.

I’m almost ten minutes in and I’ve started to notice a decline in humidity.

Glad to see mother earth is on my side.  

As I keep walking the weather change starts to feel more drastic, enough to make me put my hair back down. I untie the sweater I had around my waist and throw it on, which makes me glad I wore jeans. But I’m also wishing it hadn’t been my most torn baggy pair, I can now feel a breeze coming through and hitting both my kneecaps. I can feel the cold on my nose and cheeks, no doubt they’ll be red like my face when I make a lame joke at these lunches.

At this point I’m halfway through my walk with my hoodie up and arms crossed hoping to keep warm. I start to notice that with the cold came snow. Its not a light snow but it’s not enough to prevent me from finishing my walk, in all honesty it seems more peaceful.

Not a great sign for earth.

Not ideal weather for a mid-July day but definitely what I needed for this walk. I should probably consider how bizarre this is and what this could mean. But I don’t, there’s nothing I could do but be thankful for the peace it gives me. It makes the world so much quieter, the cold feels like its frozen some of my thoughts. In 8 minutes, I’ll hit the more residential area and I’m sure to run into more people, I dread this.

I should just sit for a second.

I look down and search for a spot that the trees have saved the ground from being over taken by snow. I sit. I know I’ll be later to this lunch but I’m sure they’ll be too distracted by this bizarre drop of snow from mother earth. I can’t help but hope that it’ll cancel the lunch. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and take in the cold. It’s not harsh on my skin, more like a refreshing feeling. It’s a great cool down, not just from the humidity that was causing me to feel like every move I made boosted my sweat glands. But from the argument I had with my sister, a silly argument. One that came from other deep-rooted issues with her, from an outside perspective that argument was a joke. I had just mentioned how I wasn’t really looking forward to lunch, which she for some took as a personal insult. She’s been helping our mom organize these lunches for years, every second Saturday of the month. I’ve been lucking out and missing for months while I’ve been away for school. But now since I’ve been home, I’ve had to partake.

I wish I had worn thicker pant.

Me disliking the lunch was more surface level, I just couldn’t handle them with my anxiety. I’ve had anxiety attacks before and had to excuse myself. I tried to walk away as calmly as possible while knowing I had some dirty looks from my sister. My mom has never quite understood my anxiety but my sister just straight up invalidated my feelings.

One year during the winter, before I had started college, I had an anxiety attack during the lunch. I was sitting down in the living room with a friend of my mom, her husband and their 19-year-old daughter. They had started off with some small talk about the weather, it was much like now. Then they moved on to the dreaded topic, college. It went from where was I applying to? What was I going to major in? How were my current grades like? What extra curriculars did I have? Right when I though I was done and the bombarding of questions had ended, they began with discussing how great their daughter was doing. I was already so unsure of what I was going to do, I didn’t need to have someone to compare myself to. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I started to feel my heart rate rise and despite it being so cold out I felt like I was burning up. I tried to excuse myself as politely as possible with a stutter or two in the mix. I was away from most people now heading for my room but my sister caught up to me. I was stopped a third of the way up the stairs and met with flaring nostrils. I was so focused on getting away all I really took from her scolding was a couple words and some partial sentences. Disappointment. Rude. You don’t make an effort. Anxiety. Just an excuse. I felt the tears start to form and I forgot to take a breath. As she walked away the tear finally hit my cheek, I was surprised it didn’t make a sizzle. I instead walked down and out to the front yard; the cold instantly cooled my face down. I walked to the middle of the yard and laid down and I looked up at the stars as I sunk into the snow.

Just like I am now. Just like then I let the snow surround me and although I’m starting freeze a bit. Its quiet out, my thoughts have slowed and just like that day I feel at peace again. Sadly, there aren’t any stars out but its cloudy and the sun is almost hidden. I spread my arms and flail them and add my legs, there isn’t much snow but just enough for a faint snow angel to be left. More and more snow sneaks through the branches of the tree and some snow flakes hit my face. I get up and start heading to the house, when I reach the residential, I start to see children out playing in the snow and concerned parents trying to enjoy it with the kids. I can hear a couple of adults discussing what this could mean for us and how is global warming. I can feel my own anxiety rising a bit but I try to just take in the snow. Trying to ready myself for whatever will be at my house, but at least I bought even more time as I need to shower and change. I smile, snow hit my face and my walk comes to an end as I approach my driveway.