If I Had Known

The soft breeze flowed with the thin air, gently passing through the strands of my hair. A sigh fell from my lips as I tugged harder on my scarf just a little closer-- my body craving warmth. The wind was stronger now, occasionally rippling through my blue cardigan with a small whale pinned on and a short pleated skirt. Although my socks were knee-high, tingles ran through me as a gust of wind pushed by. The metal whale was cold to the touch, sitting right above my heart. It was my favorite item because it made me feel slightly less alone. 

My eyes fell to the scene below me.

The waves crashing into the jagged rocks-- so mesmerizing that I had seemingly lost track of time. With the sun setting so soon, I couldn’t help but think of how it would be to be a part of that sea. Being a part of the white foam that gracefully glided over the sharp sediment with such ease. My left foot slid a little closer to the edge. If I fell from here, what would become of me? Would I be a part of the sea or would I simply taint it? 

Another small step forward. Would my view of the world change if I looked up from below? Would the waters still feel beautiful and graceful? Well, let’s just take another step-

“Hey,” a shaky voice said from behind. My foot froze mid step. Were they talking to me? Of course not. I placed my foot down in front of me. I was a nobody. “Um..” they continued. 

At this point, I couldn’t keep going. No one should have been here but me. 

The feeling of guilt was slowly creeping up my spine. If they were to witness my fall, wouldn’t I become a burden to them? A stranger who was simply passing by? My foot moved backwards and returned to my side but my gaze didn’t leave the waves. 

“I...um…are you okay?” the person questioned, clearly trying to keep their voice from shaking. 

“Yeah. Everything is fine. Almost perfect,” I responded without even thinking, watching as the water meets land in a tragically beautiful collision. 

“Alright...Um… Sorry to intrude on your…moment…but… can you tell me how to get here…?” they continued. 

Without any other information, I was forced to turn around to help the human who suddenly appeared at my lonely cliffs. Tearing my gaze away from below, I looked at the source of the voice, only to be met with a vaguely familiar, shy looking man with bright eyes. Like me, he had only been half prepared for the cruel wind. His gray hoodie and cream coat framed his lengthy body nicely. His cheeks were rosy from the cold as his hand held out a small device with something on the screen. 

Noticing he didn’t make any attempts to move closer to the edge, I walked towards him instead. My eyes focused on the small words on the phone as they came into focus as I neared. After registering the name of the street and even the building name, I spoke. “...You go back that way,” I said pointing towards the base of the cliff. “Keep going straight until you hit the bakery on the left. From there, make a quick right and walk until you see the bus stop. Take the bus down four stops and then make another right. It should be there.”

“...Wow. That was really...specific…. and fast…” he mumbled at the end with a slight chuckle. 

What was I supposed to say? Sorry I’ve lived here my whole life and have always had a strong desire to wander? Sorry I don’t like nor have the energy to speak to others? Anyway, I was going to reply with a simple apology when suddenly a street light came to life, setting a sparkle free in his eyes. They shimmered like when the sun hits the sea at the perfect moment. Beautiful...What was I going to say again?

“Um. Sorry. I think I got the directions. Thanks, um…” he hesitated. 

“...Leah,” I said softly, hoping it was inaudible enough for him to forget it within the next few seconds. 

“Leah,” he repeated. What? How’d he hear me so clearly? People were always complaining about my mumbling. “I’m Finn. ...Thanks again for the help. Bakery, left, bus, right, left, wait- I mean right. Wait what?” The confusion grew more and more evident on his face as he pointed in several directions as he rambled on. 

He scratched the back of his head and gave a shy smile. “Do you mind repeating the directions again?” he asked gently.

The wind picked up once more, causing my hair to fly into my face.

“I can walk you to the bus stop,” I offered. His face seemed to light up at the words. I must have been all types of crazy. What was I thinking?! Why would I offer to go with anyone? Is this how kidnappings happen? Why would anyone want to kidnap me though? Is there-

“That would be beyond wonderful. Are you sure you have the time? I don’t want to be a bother,” he replied, somewhat frantically. I simply nodded. No one was home anyway. What was there to lose other than time I didn’t need? He smiled in response.

“This way,” I said, taking a few steps past him. He quickly turned on his heels and took a few larger steps to walk alongside me. 

“Thanks again,” he repeated. I nodded again, a shiver running through my body. “I’m usually not this bad with directions,” he continued, tucking a hand into his pocket.

“That’s good,” I stated simply, looking straight forward at the path before us. I mean, what else was I to say? I believe you? I don’t care? Why does it even matter that- 

“Yeah...so what were you doing so close to the cliffs?” he questioned. 

I hesitated in my step. Hopefully not long enough to be noticed. 

“...Um. I like the view. It’s pretty there.”

“I agree. The ocean is really pretty. But it’s also really dangerous to be so close to the cliffs. And on a windy day too-”

“I’m sorry. I don’t see why you should have a say in where I go and stand or what I do.”

“...Sorry. You’re right…”

We continued for a moment in silence. Well, silent as in not-talking. The crunches of our shoes on the small rocks and dirt that made its way onto the sidewalks seemed deafeningly loud, and the wind howled mercilessly. The sounds of the night animals were beginning to come to life as the sky darkened. Even the low hum of electricity lighting up the streetlights and storefronts could be heard if you listened carefully. 

“...I have a confession. I’ve actually seen you before and-” he started.

“Bakery,” I stated, pointing to the left and halting for just a moment before walking on, perfectly cutting off his sentence. Don’t ask me why I did it. I don’t know myself. Perhaps because he said the words ‘confession’ and ‘you’ in the same sentence. Maybe it was the way he kept taking quick large steps when I would speed up, in order to stay by my side. Maybe it was the way I was starting to actually feel comfortable with this stranger. He looked about my age. He acted about my age. He even seemed somewhat familiar. 

“Ah… I see. I’ll remember that,” he replied, peeking into the store from a short distance. I was already a good few steps onto another street after turning right when he called out. “Hey! Wait!”

I turned to face him. His face was lit up by the stores’ bright signs and overhead lighting. He stood a few feet away and the darker homes on either side of me made him look even brighter. Talk about leading lines, am I right? 

 A sweet smile filled his face as he waved me over. “We might as well get some goods while we’re here, right?” he suggested. 

If I had known my life could have been like this, maybe it would have been worth living.

----------------------------------------------

I thought it would be like any other day coming back from class. (We studied whales today. Pretty cool.) The weather has been cooler than usual but I definitely prefer that over the unbearable heat. Unlike any other day, I had this sudden desire to visit the cliffs today. It really had been a good while since I had been there, and maybe it was the cool weather or the sense of accomplishment from finishing class, but I felt like I could bear to stand at the top today. I had a fear of heights, sure, but this desire to face my fears and see the world from above called out to me. And what better time to go than at sunset? 

With my music blasting through my earbuds, I made my way to the top. I expected to be greeted by a breathtaking view and the satisfying feeling of accomplishment. Instead, I was met with a chilling wind and a girl standing so close to the edge that I’m sure she could taste the sea. The sight was indeed breathtaking, as I watched her take a step closer to the end. My heart began to race and panic set in as I watched the familiar sight unfold. The sour feeling in the pit of my stomach made me call out. 

“Hey,” I started. She didn’t move. What should I do? What is she even doing there? Is she going to do what I think she’s going to do? Oh my God. Think. THINK Finn think. What can you do? What should you say? Uh. Directions! Ask for directions!

“Um,” I continued, attempting once more to grab her attention. “Are you okay?”

...What the heck was that?! 

Of course she’s not! Why would you even ask that?! I thought you were going to ask for directions! Why’d you blurt that out?! 

“...perfect,” was all I managed to catch from her. Okay. Finn. Try again. Directions. 

“Alright...Um… Sorry to intrude on your…moment…but… can you tell me how to get here…?” I asked, fumbling for my phone. 

And then it hit me. Where the hell am I supposed to pretend to be going?! Uh... UH!!! Dance studio! I typed in the address as fast as I could onto a notes app and held it up.

Thank goodness that that was when she turned around to face me. 

But then, I felt my heart sink. It was her. Out of all the people in the world, it was her. The girl who is constantly in my nightmares. Every time she shows up, I end up watching her die, and then I wake up. Die, and wake up. Die, and wake up.  

Her face has been branded in my brain and her melancholy lingered. Although the way she dies always changed, one thing remained constant: I’m unable to help her even if I intervene.

Guess this is another dream after all. Today was too good not to be a dream.

As she walked towards me, my heart began to race. Her hair perfectly framed her gentle face and her well pressed clothes danced in the wind as she read the address I had hurriedly written down. I hope my hands weren’t shaking too much. 

“You go back that way,” she said, pointing behind me. My gaze followed the end of her fingertips and beyond. “Keep going straight until you hit the bakery on the left. From there, make a quick right and walk until you see the bus stop. Take the bus down four stops and then make another right. It should be there,” she continued in a soothing voice. Her words were melodious and her tone was gentle. Her words were so concise and stated with such confidence that I just stared at her. 

Realizing that indeed all I was doing was looking at her face, I snapped back into it. I tried recalling the steps. Left, right, something about a bakery. Wait no. The bakery was on the right and I take a right. Or was it a left? 

“Sorry. I think I got the directions. Thanks, um…” I hesitated. Do I tell her that I actually recognize her? Do I call her by the name she had consistently given me throughout my dreams? 

“Leah.”

...I took too long to think. I just happened to glance at her lips as she said her name. “Leah,” I confirmed. I could have sworn her eyes lit up for a second before looking back down. Unsure of what I just saw, I continued. “I’m Finn. Thanks again for the help. Bakery, left, bus, right, left, wait- I mean right. Wait what?” Even though I actually knew the way there, I actually confused myself at that moment. Great! I am an idiot. I couldn’t even recall directions just given to me.

“Do you mind repeating the directions again?” I asked after thoroughly confusing myself. 

A shiver ran through my body. Was it just me or was it especially windy today?

“I can walk you to the bus stop,” she suggested. I felt my heart jump once more. This was something I definitely couldn’t turn down! This was as close as I have ever gotten to her. Maybe this time will be different. Never would I have thought I would end up on a walk with Leah. Okay, granted she’s just helping with directions and this is a dream. But still! I have never gotten to know her story.

“That would be beyond wonderful. Are you sure you have the time? I don’t want to be a bother,” I responded, unsure if she actually wanted to go. However, she nodded and led the way. I was about to reach out to her but then remembered that if there was physical contact with anyone, I would wake up. “Thanks again. I’m usually not this bad with directions,” I announced, sort of as an attempt to start a conversation. I’ll make sure she doesn’t return to the cliffs for a bit...The cliffs…

“What were you doing so close to the cliffs?” I contemplated to myself.

 Oh. I said it out loud. 

She hesitated in her step. I saw the panic plastered on her face. Great going Finn, you made her uncomfortable. 

“..Um. I like the view. It’s pretty there.”

Pretty, sure. But dangerous. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t see why you should have a say in where I go and stand or what I do,” she argued. ...I said my thoughts out loud again, didn’t I?  

“Sorry,” I quickly apologized. I glanced at her once more, noticing a small fiery spark in her saddened eyes.

Something I have never tried was telling her that she is a recurring figure in my dreams. Would that stop her pain? Would it stop mine? It was worth a try...right?

“...I have a confession. I’ve actually seen you before and-” I attempted, only to be cut off by a single word. “Bakery.”

 ...Maybe it’s just not the time to tell her. 

“...I’ll remember that,” I stated calmly as my mind raced. I took the chance to examine the simple store front.

Suddenly, an idea struck me. Why not stop by and grab some goodies to lift the mood? By the time I had this brilliant idea, she was a good distance away. “Hey! Wait!” I called out. She turned around, causing her hair to flow both away and towards her face simultaneously on either side. A small breath escaped my lungs as our eyes met once more. She’s so pretty. 

Catching myself, I continued with “we might as well get some goods while we’re here, right?” She hesitated in her response, so I automatically tacked on some excuse about the weather being cold or something like that. To be honest, my mind was stuck on the way she looked with a single street light illuminating her fair features as she stood in a dark alley. 

As I stood, lost in thought, she made her way to me. And for the first time, I saw her smile.

Suddenly I was hit with a violent headache and a piercing high pitched sound filled the air. I immediately pressed my hands against my ears in an attempt to stop it, but to no avail. However, as quick as it came, it vanished and everything seemed to go back to normal. My breathing was heavy as I tried to regain my sense of being when I noticed a small whale pin on the floor. When I picked it up and was about to ask Leah if it was hers, I noticed she was gone. I started frantically looking for her. Inside? No. Around the back? No. Further down the alley? No…

I glanced at the pin just as the storefront lights shined off the surface. Flipping it over, I felt the engravement. “52 Hertz”

“Young man, are you coming in? You’ve been looking lost out here for a while,” an elder woman asked from within the store. 

“Ah, it’s just- have you seen the girl I was with?” I asked.

“Girl? You’ve been here alone. I saw you walking down the street alone as well.Not many people venture over here these days,” she replied. I hesitated in response. 

The old woman patted me on the back in reassurance and asked if I was okay, now that I was “as pale as a ghost.”

At that moment, I realized it wasn’t a dream this time.

Afterwards, I never dreamed of her again. The pin is always stuck on my shirt, right above my heart. 

If I had known, all she needed was comfort, sealed with a smile, I would have made her happier earlier and set her free.