The Twitchers Society.

“Ouch.” Said Dave as a twig from the bush on Colin’s head poked him in the eye. “Watch where you are putting that bloody thing” he grumbled in hushed tones. The two men lay propped up on their elbows in the tall grass.

It was bad enough he’d been lumbered with Colin the curse, without being blinded by his ridiculous headpiece too. Colin put his ostentatious binoculars to his eyes once more.

“There she is!” He squealed loudly causing the tiny pine warbler to take flight from the branch it had landed on and disappeared into the thicket of pines.

“Oh, darn it” Colin offered, followed by his snorty laugh that was sure to clear any wildlife for a 2-mile radius.  

When Colin had joined The Twitchers Birding Society several months prior, Dave had known that he was a Chirper. Chirpers were in it for the glory. They chirped about all the birds they encountered and posted exaggerated pictures on their Instagram pages. Chirpers never truly experienced the rapture of being in the presence of a rare bird. Colin had only been accepted; Dave supposed, due to his vast online following. Working in media, he knew how to make mediocre bird photos go viral. His infamous: “30 birds in a day” photos, had over two million views combined, and had become a worldwide challenge. Which was how he’d come to know Brian. 

Brian was the founder of The Twitchers Society and was obsessed with becoming a Birding influencer. 

Dave took a sip from his camelback. It was unlikely that the warbler would return imminently so he may as well adjust himself. Colin took the cue and removed his hat to reveal his sweaty bald head, glistening in the sunlight like a large Condor’s egg. It was no wonder the other Twitchers had given him his nickname. His lack of taciturnity combined with his overpriced, mostly useless equipment, was indeed a curse if one was hoping to have a close encounter with the most timid of Aves. It was baffling how he had captured all the bird images that graced his social pages. It certainly made one wonder if the images were legitimate.

“I made this myself.” Said Colin holding up the bucket hat that had been aggressively vegetated with the assistance of a glue gun. Dave gave him a slight nod so as not to encourage further conversation. Why couldn't he have picked Jane? He should have known that the obnoxiously large, jagged piece of paper he'd picked out of a hat back at HQ would contain Colin’s name. Jane would have written her name on a small, perfectly cut piece of paper, precise and neat just like the woman herself.  If she were here now instead of Colin, they would, no doubt be sharing an enlightening encounter with a pine warbler, an experience that would perhaps open her heart just enough to allow a small space for him.

As it was, Brian had pulled Jane’s name and the two of them were presumably lying together in the grass somewhere, probably in the presence of a yellow rail or a sandhill crane.

Bird magnet Brian, as he called himself, always had the best sightings. He’d once spotted a devil bird while rollerblading through Brooklyn. 

“Shall we try another spot?” Asked Colin opening a bag of granola and rustling the plastic.

“We don’t move when one of the big five are in the vicinity. If you'd read The Twitchers manual, you'd know that!” Replied Dave looking around through his binoculars to see if he could locate the warbler or perhaps Jane in the undergrowth.

“Yes, right of course.” Colin said fidgeting. “It's just that, well nature calls.” He rose to his feet and with a quick glance around began undoing his fly, just as Dave turned his binoculars in his direction and made eye to lens contact with his Johnson’s Tody Flycatcher.

“Ugh! Go over there.” Dave hissed praying that none of the other Twitchers could see them.

“At least you've seen one rare pecker today” Chuckled Colin. When he eventually sat down after a long stretch. He was humming what sounded like Great Speckled Bird by Johnny Cash. Dave shot him a death stare. This was pointless. There was no way they would tick off any of the birds on their spotting sheet at this rate. He could already see Brian gloating back at Twitchers HQ later, while Jane looked on admiringly. No! he'd loved her for too long to let her go without a fight. Guys like Brian always got what they wanted, while guys like him stayed in the shadows like a timid Oriole, well not today.  

“Come on we’re moving.” Said Dave gathering his pack and getting to his feet.

“What? I thought you said we had to stay here.” Said Colin surprised but mobilizing all the same.

“Change of plans.” Dave replied, a look of steely determination on his face. He glanced at the sky and removing his Audubon bird call from a pocket in his vest, he expertly twisted the device which emanated a small tweeting sound.

“Walk lightly and stay low” he whispered back to Colin who, he saw had replaced his hat and was following too closely behind him. “There!” Dave whispered excitedly as he pointed in the direction of a small yellow bird that was hopping along in a clearing ten feet away. He quickly snapped a couple of pictures on his phone and peered through his binoculars at the glorious creature. Its small head looked this way and that as if posing, while its little eyes twitched alert and ready to flee. Notoriously shy, the Pine Warbler had evaded him until today. He drank in the sight of it, memorizing every daffodil-coloured feather on its breast. He could hear Colin fiddling with the giant space-shuttle-like lens on his phone jarring him from the virtually religious experience he'd been having. Typical chirper, all the gear and no idea. 

Then, like an angel gliding in from the heavens, a Snow-White whopping crane descended into the clearing causing Dave to audibly gasp. The elegant bird landed with the grace of a Russian ballerina. Dave lifted his phone his finger poised over the button to snap the shot of the century, when suddenly there was a defending sound. A cross between a trumpet and a car horn, causing Dave to jump in the air, dropping his phone as the crane took flight. Dave turned to see Colin holding up a hand in apology as he wiped his nose.

“It’s the cedar trees” he explained with a shrug “I’m allergic.”

        Dave could feel his blood boiling in his veins as it rose to his face.

“Do you understand what you’ve done?” He shouted unable to control his volume.

“Shhh!” Someone unseen scolded from the tall grass. 

“You’ve sneezed and pissed and rustled away every possible species of bird, and then you stand here dressed like the Jolly Green Giant, and tell me you're allergic to nature?” Dave screamed his red-rimmed eyes bulging like an angry cartoon villain.

“Calm down buddy, it’s just a bird, I got a shot of it look.” Said Colin patting Dave on the back and showing him his phone, where he indeed, had managed to capture the Crane's descent.

“I think you should watch your tone, Dave.” Said a low male voice. Dave turned to see Brian approaching them. “Colin, do you think I could have that footage to post on the Twitcher's social pages?” Asked Brian flashing Colin one of his movie star smiles, revealing his gleaming veneers. 

“Yeah, sure thing Brian, let me add a filter and clean it up a bit and I’ll send it on over.” Colin said giggling like a starstruck Swiftie in the presence of their idol. 

“Nice job Colin and great hat by the way.” Brian said before turning to Dave. “Did you know that Jane has blue tits?” Brian offered raising a dark eyebrow provokingly.

“She ought to get that checked out.” Said Colin laughing.

“Yeah, she rescued them from an illegal importer, such a sweetheart, I’m really getting to know her.” Said Brian with a wink before walking away and disappearing into the fauna.

“Bastard.” Muttered Dave through gritted teeth.

“Who, Bird Magnet Brian?” Asked Colin “Nah, he’s a great guy, great guy!” 

“Why because he’s got a perma-tan and likes your stupid hat?” Demanded Dave

“I think you have some anger issues Dave; no wonder Brian calls you Downer Dave. You know it’s not me or even Brian that you don’t like Dave, it’s this guy.” He said tapping Dave’s chest with his finger. “Classic case of self-loathing. This may surprise you, but I was down and out not so long ago. Lost my job, does funny things to a man not having a purpose. That’s why I started my birding page, to share my interest with the world. When I first went viral." Colin tapperd off and shook his head, staring out to the horizon, he was silent for a moment, lost in his memories. "It gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning you know? There’s a guy on TikTok who does these affirmations for guys like us Dave, you should really check him out. Happiness is a choice that you must make; you have to do the work. Here, I’ll send it to you, what's your tag?”

“I don’t have a dam tag! I don’t need millions of idiot strangers who know nothing about birds, to like every picture I take when they don’t even know what they’re looking at. I’m an actual birder, not a lowbrow glory seeker, in the midst of a midlife crisis like some people.” Said Dave gesturing his chin towards Colin.

“You're just jealous!” Dismissed Colin turning away to fiddle with his phone, probably photoshopping a couple of bald eagles into the video for Brian.

“Oh yes I’m really jealous of you Colin.” Dave said, pulling the plant hat from Colin’s head and putting it on his own “Oh look, I’m Colin I have a stupid plant hat and I know nothing about birds, and my nose is so far up Brian’s ass that when he opens his mouth you can see me waving.” Said Dave in a high-pitched mocking voice while waving frantically. But Colin didn’t seem to be listening, instead, he stared into the sky above Dave’s head as if it had revealed a biblical sign. Dave turned slowly, his jaw dropped open as that most elusive of birds; the Anhinga, landed on the bush hat and stood on his head, stretching out his neck and flapping its wings demonstrating its impressive wingspan. Dave stayed deadly still as the creature perched a moment more before taking flight. He looked up in awe at the glossy midnight undercarriage of the bird as it passed over his head as if in slow motion. His mouth still open wide, his eyes glistening with tears. When suddenly the bird deposited a large wet guano straight onto Dave’s face.

“Holy shit!” Screamed Colin “I got an Anhinga, I filmed it!” Waving his phone in the air like a golden ticket. Brian emerged from the trees clapping his hands and patting Colin on the back, followed by Jane. She had her hands over her mouth, a look of, was that pity? On her face.

Dave was bent over and spitting out the foul-tasting poop, trying not the puke in front of Jane, although he wasn’t sure his humiliation could be any worse. If there was a limit for embarrassment, then he’d reached it.

“Are you ok?” She asked putting her hand gently on his back as she offered him some water. He nodded weakly. He pulled off the plant hat and offered it sheepishly back to Colin who took it with a tight smile. Dave picked up his pack and began the long walk back to HQ where his car awaited him. 

Maneuvering his car from the car park, Dave drove towards home trying not to replay the moment in his mind. Jane had looked so mortified for him. He turned the music up to try to drown out his thoughts.

Later, after a long hot shower and two bottles of mouthwash. He was sitting on the couch when his phone pinged.

Hi you, I just wanted to check how you are adjusting to your newfound fame. It’s Jane from Twitchers btw.

Fame? What was she talking about? She must have meant to text Brian instead.

Sorry I think you got the wrong number; this is Dave.

Apparently, Brian really was a bird magnet, one afternoon alone with Jane and she was already sending him flirtatious texts. His phone pinged again.

I know it’s you Dave. Or should I say Birdman. You are trending! You might have even broken the internet.

Dave tried to calm his shaking fingers as he typed in Birdman into Google. He was met with hundreds of images of himself in the plant hat, with the Anhinga on his head. Colin had somehow made him look thinner and taller. He clicked on one of the videos braced to see himself about to be dumped on, the world a witness to his shame. But somehow, miraculously, Colin had edited that part out and made the entire episode seem intentional. The comments below kept changing before he could fully read them, but the general tone seemed to be one of admiration. He looked back at his phone, there was another text from Jane. 

Guessing you are googling right now. 

Yes, I'm a bit shocked at how many people on the internet correctly identified an Anhinga. 

He responded, his breath short and fast as the adrenalin pumped through his veins.

And I was shocked by how good you look with a bird-infested bush on your head. 

Jane was defiantly flirting with him; it was now or never.

“I guess a bird on the head is better than one in the bush. Would you like to grab coffee sometime?”

He texted back, his heart beating wildly awaiting her response.

I’m free tonight if you want to meet in an hour.

She wrote back just seconds later. A huge smile stretched across Dave’s face.

“Yes!” He shouted jumping in the air. He grabbed his phone, there was something he had to do before he could meet Jane.

He turned his face a little towards the light to try to find a more flattering angle on the little phone screen facing him, before pressing record.

“Hi, this is Dave, aka Birdman. I’ve been a birder, well forever, and today I had an encounter with an Anhinga, one of the rarest and most reclusive birds in the world. I know a lot of you have seen the video, but I am not the guy who should be receiving the credit. The real birdman is Colin Smith. He’s the one who took the amazing video and the guy behind the bush hat that you all love so much. I just happened to be wearing it at the time. If you want to see some amazing bird images, then you need to follow him not me. Thanks”. Said Dave before pressing the red button and posting the video on his now-frequented page.

His phone pinged once more as he put on his coat.

Hey, it’s Colin, I got your number from Brian. I just saw your video, thanks mate.

 Anytime

Dave wrote back before adding.

Hey, Colin, do you think I could borrow your hat sometime. 

THE END.