What A Surprise My Ex Girlfriend Got When She Returned from a Trip

When my ex girlfriend returned home from our only vacation from San Juan Capistrano, California. Well, let me go back a bit. Just like those swallow birds automatically return to San Juan Capistrano. Centuries ago the San Juan Capistrano Mission padres noticed that the swallows returned consistently on St. Joseph’s Day. The tradition of celebrating the swallows return to Capistrano began then and people would arrive from around the world to officially welcome the birds back. My ex girlfriend had gone there for 6 consecutive years. I went with her on her last trip and I wasn’t impressed watching bird droppings falling from the sky like Hail in a snowstorm.

The first thing Rosetta insisted that I visit was the Mission San Juan Capistrano a historic chapel, landmark and museum that was founded over two hundred years ago. It looked to me that it was definitely in much need of some serious renovations. Even the iconic bell to honor Saint Junipero Serra no longer rang.

She would get so excited as we visited the Zoomars Petting Zoo. I said to myself if you happened to visit one Zoo you pretty much would see the exact same animals such as sheep, cows, pigs, guinea pigs, emus, bunnies, goats and some long neck animal what she called lovable llamas that love to be hugged. She wanted to seriously adopt one of those vicious llamas and bring one back to the Bronx, New York City. I told her that the main enjoyment of a llama is spitting on people. Even when, you least expect it. That ugly llama tried spitting on me and got a big green hawker spit right back at him. Then it had the audacity to rush at me at 40 miles an hour. He could have killed me if I hadn’t instinctively pushed Rosetta in front of me and it suddenly stopped. They are pretty big animals and they can bite. They have VERY nasty teeth that could have cause my ex serious harm. She even took a picture of it chasing me after she moved out of the way.

After they had to tranquilized the angry llama in which I wanted it euthanized. In which they were not going to do with him being their main attraction.

We were off to visit The Ronald W. Casper’s Wilderness Park comprises of an 8,000 acre wilderness preserve that is nestled among sandstone canyons, river terraces and the Santa Ana Mountains.

About a mile of hiking my feet felt like they were starting and stopping Fred Flintstone’s prehistoric car. Dr. Scholl was a big liar or never tested his inserts shoe comforters in real life. Rosetta told me to stop complaining like a big baby, until that big 1,300 pound grizzly bear looked at her as if she was made of  wild berries, white bark, limber pine nuts, insect nests and starchy tubers. She was so petrified that we were helicoptered back to our Hotel.

I have to admit that Rosetta is a die hard because the next morning we were off to visit The O’Neill Museum, formerly known as the Garcia/ Pryor Residence. It was supposed to be haunted and it wasn’t long after we entered the place that I seen an apparition with her head in her hands. Not wanting to reveal how frighten I was. I told Rosetta that I got a serious case of diarrhea and would meet her at Ramos House Café for lunch. She brought that story hook line and sinker I thought. Until she asked did I know that my hair had turned white as if I actually seen a real ghost.

While eating over a Crab Hash and drinking a tall glass of a triple shot of vodka bloody Mary. I finally confessed that I had seen some old lady walking around beheaded. She said that she seen it too. Her husband had caught her and her lover making love in the Gazebo and chopped off both her and her lovers head. She whispered in my ear that you’re a cheater too. We finished lunch in silence after that revelation.

Then it was off to see the Montanez Adobe what Rosetta said that it was a must that I should visit when in San Juan Capistrano.

Them shacks looked like whomever dwelled there long ago were better off jumping ship before the many field rats had staked their claim. Them varmints were everywhere. I wonder where was the Orkin Pest Control Man.

Every night after we visited the sights and returned to our hotel suite she went straight to her Facebook account and displayed pictures of our adventures. I told her that its not wise to tell all of your 22,000 followers about the times and places of what we’ll be doing and going.

She demanded that I once again mine my own business and typed that we would be heading for Las Vegas before we returned home. On the flight to Vegas she was at it again with telling her followers our every move.

A limousine met us at the airport to take us to the Skyline Hotel and Casino. The very first night she hit the jackpot on big Bertha for $16,234. That very same night she was quick to share that information with her followers. She even took pictures of the huge check they presented to her. She wasn’t a gambler so for the next three days of our trip she never gambled again. It was a good thing she didn’t.

In the morning she handed me a brochure of the Wee Kirk O' the Heather Wedding Chapel. I hadn’t thought about marriage. We had been living separately apart for over 5 years so what was the rush?

My rolling stone ex daddy would always tell me why buy a cow when I could always get the milk free. Rosetta fully confident in her ability to persuade me, that it wasn’t long before she pounced on the opportunity to repeat this quote to me yet again. If you don’t buy this particular cow you’ll never get a drop of milk free let alone anymore. Rosetta was trying to use some kind of reverse psychology on me. Reverse psychology is a technique involving the assertion of a belief or behavior that is opposite to the one desired, with the expectation that this approach will encourage the subject of the persuasion to do what actually is desired. This technique relies on the psychological phenomenon of reactance. Fortunately for me it didn’t work.

We flew back to the Bronx in silence as I knew our relationship had ended right outside of the Wee Kirk O' the Heather Wedding Chapel when I claimed to had contracted an STD.

We took separate transportation to our condo’s. Before the uber driver dropped me off I got a frantic call from Rosetta that her condo had been cleaned out as if the repo man had taken everything she own back for nonpayment. She kept screaming that I don’t deserve this after returning home from one of the most depressing trips she had ever experienced. All I can say is for her to question anyone of those 22,000 followers on Facebook who knew you weren’t home.