To All Those Left Behind

TW: Religious Trauma, Negative Self Talk, Threats/Allusions to Child Abuse.

When I first read the prompt of “trying to make amends,” I thought of you.

My Dearest Margret,

My Space Girl…

Mags, if— against your better judgment— you are reading this letter, you have to know that I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am, I know you hate it when I apologize, and this is probably driving you crazy, but I have to say it in case I never get to tell you. I know we agreed that this was our secret to keep, I’d rather you hate me for being honest for once in my worthless life than for you to go on still loving me the way you have for the last twenty years. God, it’s crazy that it’s been twenty years already. We’re still so young, and yet we’ve already had more of a life together than most married couples. I would say you probably started hating me long before this, but I honestly don’t think that’s true. At least, I don’t think I ever could hate you, no matter how you hurt me. It’s terrible, but I think you might feel the same way. I’m sorry.

I wish your mom were different, or maybe just that we were different. More and more, I am scared that she was right, that we are some kind of godless abominations.

At least I am. You are perfect.

I am so sorry for dragging you down with me, but I don’t regret anything. I wish we had done it sooner.

We deserved more than stupid gel pens and conversation hearts..

Mags, if you’re reading this, I am sorry for a lot of things, but loving you will never be one of them.

I hope you’re safe wherever you are. I hope you made it to the city and you found a nice girl with curly hair, who loves meadow lilies and paper moths half as much as you do. I hope she buys the right kind of peanut butter and never gets bored of your nutty jokes. I hope you can get those matching tattoos and taste every inch of her without that stupid fucking crucifix hanging over you. I wish I had asked back when I still knew you if that thing was always up above your bed or if your mom only put it up when I came over.

I hope your mom likes the girl you find.

I hope she tastes like sunshine, apple wine, and good radio songs, but never too sweet. In fact, I hope everything in your life is so perfectly mild that you never crave sugar on the teeth again. I hope you can call her your wife one day, instead of just a friend. I hope you have a daughter so you can teach her how to dance out on the patio, and to find Orion’s belt after dark. I hope she never has to worry about scrubbing off her candy shell pink nail polish before coming home for family dinners. I hope she finds someone whose nails look perfect next to hers when their hands are joined. I hope you find the god we spent so many summers searching for between the lemonade station and the church ladies’ ridiculous hats. I hope your dad gives up preaching and becomes a country singer, and that your mom finally throws caution to the wind and marries Mr. Wilcox down at Black Bay Street.

Mags, I hope this story never finds so you never have to think about that town or me again. I hope you are out there continuing to love your life. I hope you never find me again ‘cause finding you once was my spend of divine intervention for this lifetime.

I hope she is brave enough never to leave you behind.

I hope she gives you the stars, Mags.

You were perfect, and that made us perfect. I refuse to live my life terrified of anyone knowing that I loved you. I am done keeping our secrets. Hate me if you want, but know that I never really left you. I couldn’t. As hard as I tried to leave– to abandon you, to make you hate me enough to save yourself— I also couldn’t let myself live out in the real world. I couldn’t take your dream. I am waiting for you, stuck living my same dreary life, just in a new town. In a little house like the one we picked out back in elementary— three streets from the stream— married to Bill like we always talked about. Hell, we’re even having a baby, gonna name him Max and everything, a little godson you will never get to meet. I am living the life you always hated.

I broke your heart. So, if you never want to see me again, then don’t come back.

Stay out there, in the real world.

I’ll always be here guarding the life that so nearly killed you.

Mags, you got out. Don’t come back for me. Please.

With all my love,

Your Ground Control,

Josie

Johnny asked her out about a week into the first semester.

He did everything perfectly.

He got her favorite flowers, the necklace that had been sitting in the antique shop window since we were kids, and a vintage physics textbook that hadn’t been in print since before we won the space race.

He had asked her out with a bouquet of lily of the valleys, just like the ones that grew along the river, intertwined with the blue bells that we used to pick for flower crowns. He bought her the necklace that we had spotted while fabric shopping with my mother. The old woman who ran the shop said it would look beautiful on me. My mother got a far-off look in her eye when she realized that we couldn’t afford it. I did my best not to cry until Mags hugged me and told me that one day she would make sure she had enough to get it for me, even if it meant she couldn’t spend a cent of her allowance until then. She wanted to work for NASA, and one day, hopefully make it to the moon, maybe further. The textbook made sense in that way.

He never really understood her, though.

Mags loved the stars for their stories. It was something that came from deep within her.

I had to stay over at Maggie’s house the first time my mom had one of her “episodes”. It was a clear night. I didn’t want to talk about it so we just sat on her back porch with the radio on low and she asked me to dance with her when a good song came on, and we did for a while. Her eyes never left the sky. She was looking for something. I remember how soft her gasp was when she found it.

“Josie, look, you can see the Star of Bethlehem tonight.” Her voice was nearly lost beneath the thick hum of the crickets. “That means good things are coming.” Her tone was soft and breathy, filled with a childlike wonderment I thought we had outgrown.

And sure enough, in the direction we knew in our hearts to be East, there was a bright streak of incandescent light cutting its way across the sky. She told me everything would be okay, and I believed her. She rubbed her nose against mine and told me to pray. God was listening. I wished that my mom would stop hurting. She asked me what I had prayed for, but it was too raw a wound to share. Not that my silence bothered her much. After all, she always did know what to say.

“I don’t think He’ll mind if I tell you what I asked for. After all, I asked for you.”

She was smiling when she said it, and I think that was the moment I realized I loved her.

“Well, I asked that He keep us together forever. Even when we’re wrinkly old ladies, and all we can do is sit in our ugly rocking chairs and stare at each other from across the porch. I want to explore the stars with you. I’ll be up in space and you’ll be my ground control. I’ll bring you home a piece of the moon for the mantle— after I name a planet after you, and the one next to it after me. That way, we’ll be written into the universe together. You ain’t getting away from me, ever. You’re stuck with me Josie-girl, I’m on you like glue and even God knows it.”

I knew it meant something that she said “porch” instead of porches. I always pictured our lives running parallel: houses next door, speeches at each other’s weddings, I’d be her maid of honor, then godmother to her kids. She had pictured it differently, one house meant one family, one life, and one bed.

I wanted so badly to wake up to her every morning, to start my day with her, end my day with her. Everything was just her, and her and her.

She had to be joking. She was trying to make me feel better.

I tried to read whatever emotion was dancing behind her eyes, but before I knew it, she was back looking up at the stars. She always did love the stars.

Johnny asked her out about a week into the first semester.

He did everything perfectly.

He promised to give her the world.

I would have done better, though.

I would have given her the stars.

I smacked Johnny on the back. I congratulated him, and all at once, she wasn’t my Mags anymore.

They had their first date on a Saturday, and Mags told me to come over after to do laundry and help her mom with the back-to-school decorations for the elementary students. She stumbled in with the last wisps of twilight, smelling like buttery popcorn and soda syrup. She threw her arms over her mother’s shoulders with a twirl.

“Mama, Josie-Love is going to sleep over tonight, okay? Her laundry ain’t gonna be done till late, and we got a lot to talk about.”

“Oh yeah, like what?” Her father cut in with a gruffness that was foreign to him.

“Let the girls be, Henry.”

“Thank you, Mama!” By the time her mother turned to wave us off, Maggie was already dragging me into her room by the wrist. Her demeanor changed completely as soon as the door shut. She locked it behind her. She walked to the far corner of the room where the carpet was peeling back and unearthed an old bottle of Jack from beneath the floorboards. We were freshman, fourteen and fifteen, church girls. We weren’t drinkers. She took a big swig and muffled her retching with her sleeve before passing me the bottle. It was smeared with her lipstick. I wanted to turn it down, but her eyes were brimming with expectation. So I did my best to choke down as much as I could. My hands were shaking. Mags hardened her gaze and straddled my lap. She tilted my head back and tipped the bottle against my lips.

“Don’t think, just swallow.” She looked hot as hell, and I did as I was told. Once I had, she slumped into me.

“I’m going to marry him, Josie.” Her eyes were hazy through her lashes. “I am going to marry that boy. He shook my father’s hand. He brought my mom croissants from the bakery—the expensive one outside of town. He’s perfect, I mean, the flowers, the book. I wish he had picked a different necklace, though. I did try and tell him to return it, but he wouldn’t have it. I’m sorry, I never meant to lie to you. I really did want to be the one to buy it for you. I won’t wear it, I can’t, it’s yours. It wouldn’t be right. I’m sorry I lied.” She looked like she was going to cry. I pulled her in against my chest. I wanted her to burrow into me so I could protect her from herself. I wanted to be her skin, but our bones got in the way.

“Mags, I don’t care ab—” Her voice cut in before I could finish.

“Oh god, I’m going to marry him. You won’t leave me right. Tell me you won’t leave without me. You’ll still love me if I stay right, even if I never make it to the stars. I thought I wanted more, but maybe I can be happy here. You should have seen how bright my mom smiled when he picked me up. She was so proud. I need my ground control, don’t leave me here. Please.”

“Mags, Johnny would never hold you back; that boy is head over heels for you. If you tell him you need to be out in space, he’ll build you the rocket. Don’t talk nonsense. No one is making you give up anything!” My speech was a bit slurred, but she should have been able to understand me.

“But what if I don’t want those things anymore. What if it’s easier to just be Maggie, the preacher’s daughter? I’m so tired of wanting things that I know I can never have. Things just don’t work out for girls like us. We can never be t…I can’t keep…God, you don’t even know what I’m on about. Forget it, it’s a pipe dream and the more I try to chase it, the more I realize it’s just not in the cards for us.”

I wanted to comfort her, but everything was so heavy. I felt muffled, like I was sinking into the floor. I wanted to sleep.

“I think I love him. He kissed me and I thought “Oh, I get it now”. Kissing is great, or I think it could be. We weren’t the best at it. I think I accidentally chipped his tooth. He’s a good kisser. I think I love him.”

Why was she still talking? I wanted her to stop. I didn’t want to hear any of this.

“It’s easy this way. We’ll all have a nice life.”

My eyes were closed, and I was crying. She was so warm.

“Josie-Love? I love you, you know that, right?” I hummed in response. “Do you love me?” Her voice was so strained, I told her I did all the time. It was like asking if one plus one equals two. She was my Space-Girl, my star, of course, I loved her.

“You’re my best friend, Mags, don’t ask dumb questions.”

“I’m sorry I took him from you.” Her voice was so weak then. I slipped into sleep before I could respond. I was such a fucking idiot.

When we woke, her mother was standing over us. Of course, she had the key. We knew she had the key; locking the door was just an empty comfort. The Jack had spilled all over the carpet, but that didn’t matter as much. When she found us, Mags was lying on top of me, one of my hands was snaked up under her shirt. My lips were smeared with traces of her lipstick from sharing the Jack bottle, and Johnny left some real nice hickeys on her neck. I tried to explain, but she had seen what she had seen, and there was no changing her mind. Mags tried to protect me. She told her mom it was her fault, but I knew that would never work. I told myself that I misunderstood her, that she could never love me the way I wanted her to. What scared me was that I knew she meant it; she would have thrown her life away loving me.

I wasn’t worth that.

I couldn’t let her hurt herself to love me, not when I didn’t deserve it. I have never deserved her.

Mags had to be perfect; it was safer for her to be perfect. Her mom could hate me, but she couldn’t hit me without causing herself some trouble. I wasn’t her kid; it wasn’t her place. I was just the neighbor. I told her mom I snuck the Jack in the laundry basket, that I got Mags drunk, and came onto her. Mags was innocent. I told her I would try to repent. That I wanted to be better, that I was sorry. I hated myself. Every word of it was true.

She agreed not to tell Maggie’s dad. It was better for everyone that way.

Mags did her best to smooth things over; she told her mom that I didn’t want Mags, I wanted to be her. I had just gotten the two things confused. Her mom believed it, too.

She tried to pull me aside at school on Monday; she was wearing more concealer than usual. I was scared for her, or maybe scared of her.

I wanted to keep her safe. All I have ever wanted was to keep her safe. So, I told her she disgusted me. That I could read between the lines enough to know she had “unnatural” feelings for me. I said everything I would have hated to hear from her. I told her that she was a coward who only cared about herself. She destroyed my life. I didn’t feel anything for her. I told her that she should find a way to be happy with Johnny because I would never love her. I knew her weak spots, and I was willing to rip open every old scar if it kept her safe.

She was sobbing by the time I walked away. She kept yelling for me, apologizing. It took everything I had not to run back to her.

I left town the next day.

Mags, I miss you.