A bird in a cage

It was him offering to pull out her chair which really put her off. She had been trying to feel optimistic about the date all day, pushing down the familiar feelings of dread and unease. It was just an opportunity to converse with a stranger! No different from catching up with a girlfriend and it would be good to meet new people. And he had been so prompt in responding to her and proposing they meet at the little bistro near her work.

He had greeted her with a friendly hello, no lunging in to kiss her cheek or try and hug her. Samantha couldn’t stand people who felt the need to greet someone with physical touches. Weren’t we still in a pandemic? Couldn’t we all just say hello and what not and be done with it? He had been positive, clearly very excited to finally be meeting someone in person. He had held open the door to the restaurant, escorted her inside, pulled out her chair….and here they were. Two strangers sitting down to a meal together.

Samantha looked around at the other couples and wondered if they also regretted coming out tonight. The young couple who were both on their phones, the two men at the bar who might have been on a first date as well. The older couple across from them who were doing that thing where they swapped their plates halfway through. Did they ever wonder if they would have been happier dining alone?

“So what’s your poison?” Samantha looked across the table at her date. He was smiling at her kindly, his eyes lit up with hope. “Red or white?”

Samantha knew she would regret the wine tomorrow but right now it seemed like the only thing that might get her through tonight. “It’s pretty cold outside, maybe we go with the red?” She would have actually preferred to just order her own glass of rose but didn’t want to seem difficult. God forbid a woman ever came across as difficult.

He was flagging a waiter down, ordering a bottle of one of the fancier red wines. With a feeling of horror Samantha realised she might be stuck at the table until the wine was finished. Feeling his eyes on her, she tried smiling. “Did you have a busy day today?”

This was enough to dispel the awkwardness. He launched into a recount of the latest dramas at the television studio he worked at. When he had first messaged her, Samantha had thought it would be interesting to go on a date with someone who worked in television. She was always fascinated about what it would have been like to have been a reporter or a teacher or doctor. While she loved her job as an art historian, her imagination often conjured images of another life or lives she could be living. Sometimes it seemed like life was just too short to fit in all the people she wanted to be and all the things she wanted to experience.

Smiling politely and nodding along, she imagined herself interviewing the Queen or Hillary Clinton or someone equally well-known. When she had first started working at the V&A in London it felt like nothing would ever beat this experience. The girl from the small town, the daughter of teachers, had finally surpassed what had been expected of her. And yet, there still seemed like she had so much more to accomplish.

Her date had not noticed that her thoughts had wandered. He really was lovely, Samantha thought. Yes, it seemed likely he would spend the whole time talking about himself but he wasn’t obnoxious about it and she hadn’t really made much of an effort to contribute. She often preferred letting the other person talk and building a sense of them and how they might fit into her life. Except she couldn’t picture any of them fitting.

“Do you have similar issues at your work?”. Samantha looked into his green eyes, hoping that she hadn’t missed too much. “You’re an art teacher, right?”

“Well I’m actually an art historian,” she replied.

“Oh right of course – so you must spend all your time in a dusty room researching stuff?”

Samantha went to correct him, to talk about her recent role negotiating with the Greek government regarding the return of certain artifacts and then just couldn’t be bothered.

“Something like that. But I guess in all workplaces there are these kinds of conflict...”

She was interrupted by the waiter finally coming over with the wine. He offered them a taste of it first. Samantha went to tell the waiter that it was fine, she didn’t need a taste but her date interrupted. “No, you want to make sure you like it!” As she watched the waiter pour the wine into her glass Samantha contemplated what had driven her to begin dating again.

There was no biological clock ticking, no parents pressuring marriage. Just a vague sense that there could be more in life, that there were concerts and wine bars she wanted to visit and maybe it would be nice to not have to always ask the same girlfriend or go by herself? But maybe there were worse things than feeling lonely.

“So where do you plan on travelling when the pandemic is over? I’m already planning a trip to the Seachelles but hoping to make it to Spain in summer depending on lockdowns.”

This was a topic Samantha could converse on. “I had a few work trips lined up previously – I was actually hoping to go to Australia to teach a short course on indigenous art. So I’m really hoping that will happen again.”

At this her date seemed alarmed. “Wait you were going to move to Australia?”

“Well just for six months or so. I might have also done some travelling in the Pacific or in Asia but hadn’t gotten around to organising anything before the borders all closed.”

“So if the pandemic hadn’t happened we wouldn’t have met?” He seemed weirdly put-off by the idea, as if Samantha should someone been able to look into a crystal ball and been able to predict that he would message her on Hinge and invite her to dinner.

“I guess so? Unless you had also ended up in Australia, stranger things have happened.” She laughed a bit at end, trying to soften her words, not sure why she needed to. It sometimes felt like she was always trying to soften her words.

“Well the important thing is that we are here now.” Holding up his glass, he said “Cheers to us!”

Wincing internally, Samantha clinked her glass against his.

“Have you decided what you are ordering yet?”

Samantha looked down at the menu for the first time. “No I hadn’t had a chance to look.” As she was speaking his phone rang. Looking at the screen he said “I’ve got to take this – why don’t you decide what you’re having while I do? Remember, the sky is the limit.”

Yes it is, Samantha thought. But not in the way you mean. As she stared at the menu she wondered why she was even pretending anymore. She had never enjoyed dating but assumed it was a bit like learning to drive – no one enjoyed the experience but enjoyed the freedom that came with being able to drive. But dating didn’t seem to lead to freedom – rather it seemed like the opposite. Samantha wondered whether she would need to let him know she didn’t want to see him again, that she didn’t want to see anyone again. That her life of books and art and her cat no longer seemed so small but rather expansive and full of possibilities. This bird still wanted to explore the skies.

Her date came back. “You are not going to believe this but the Prime Minister has just called a press conference and I need to be ready to go on air. I’m really sorry – can we do a rain check?”

Samantha felt her heart sink with relief. “Sure, that’s no worries.” Getting to her feet, she quickly went to pull on her coat and scarf before he could help. Flagging the waiter down to pay the bill, Samantha tried to offer to go halves but he refused.

“Don’t be ridiculous” he said.

As they stepped out onto the busy London street, Samantha went to say goodbye but he pulled her into a hug. “It was so great to meet you, I can’t wait to see you again. Are you free Sunday?”

Feeling herself stiffen, Samantha replied. “I will need to check.”

He wasn’t deterred. “Let me call you an uber”.

“No I’m fine to catch the tube.”

“At this hour? Please it’s the least I can do.”

For some reason this made Samantha even more annoyed. “No, it’s really fine but I had better run if I want to catch the next train.” Pulling away she started walking towards the station, his voice calling goodbye almost lost in the noise of the crowds.

She walked through the familiar streets, feeling the cold air on her face and the people brushing past her. She felt free, like she had been woken from a long sleep. Her body felt energised, her mind clear. She finally knew what she wanted and she wasn’t planning on settling for anything less. As she reached the station, she looked up at the night sky and saw a world of endless possibilities.