Bringing Home an Epiphany

Week 9

1. Start your story with one character making a vow that they never would have made the year before.

“....As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”

Scarlet O’Hara, Gone With The Wind”

Now, Elizabeth was hardly a Scarlet; more like a Melody...sweet and a people pleaser. Even her preferred name, Beth, was taken from the most docile character in Little Women, not a strong-minded Jo. Yet fortune has made her life full of drama, which was an unexpected turn from the stable childhood she had...So why was she so disposable now? To men, especially. They could act with burning desire and passion that she was the most important thing in the world to them, then be cold and distant the next, like she meant nothing. It was confusing and yet familiar, as her own mother played that game all of Beth’s adult life. She was passive and went along with it for a long time, but her move last year out of the country to have a fresh start was enough for her to vow...never again. She would not be dependent upon other people in the name of love, and find herself abused again. 

It certainly wasn’t always this way. Elizabeth was born to parents that loved her a great deal. She wanted for nothing, was doted upon, and raised with good values. Hers was to take over the family name and integrity….the thought of there ever being controversy wasn’t in the picture. She had ballet lessons, loads of homemade clothes, home cooked meals and stability. The family’s idea of a holiday was camping...loads of camping. Beth loved it as a child, and they had property to go to, but once her teens kicked in and there was no place to plug in her curling iron, she lost interest. 

It all seemed picture-perfect, but there was something Beth just couldn’t put her finger on. Surely, her parents being much older and wanting a child meant something, right? Her mother was her best friend, but in retrospect it was her mother leaning on her like a friend that was off. She told Beth all her problems; about her marriage, her own mother, her insecurities...this was an awful burden for a preschooler. But Beth was so quiet and earnest, she took it in stride and offered advice in between juice and nap times. Mature for her age and level-headed, she had no idea at the time that she was the strong one. After all, she was shy and rarely spoke. Teachers thought she was slow, since she didn’t participate in school, but several tests showed her to have a genius IQ, not a low one. Dyslexia and shyness in those days were deemed learning problems, not a hint at other issues. “When a child is raised with ridicule, they learn to be shy” is how the old proverb goes, regaling good and bad parenting techniques. 

Looking back, there may have been warning signs, but at the time everything seemed normal. Ideal, even. Her parents let her take art classes or model in another state, they trusted her that much. They let her get a boundary exception to another school, when the bullying because she was so meek was about. Beth was sweet and quiet, but she really wasn’t a pushover...far from it. She just had a longer fuse than most. So, being loved and trusted as a child, and knowing her parents had money and came from an old English dynasty, she felt she had every reason to have a secure future. That never happened...her mother disowned her for dating [then marrying because she had nowhere else to go] her first husband. It was so out of character, to this day Beth could not figure it out. She raised terrific kids on her own, they made mistakes, but her love for them was unconditional. How could a mother do that? The irony is that a divorce and admitting her mistake did not get Beth exonerated from the mistake...it was a black mark for life. And her mother continued to control the rest of her life, even from the grave. Rather than inheriting, her mother had their Wills changed, and she got a letter from an attorney that said she would only get $10.00 and a very Mommy Dearest reason stating “you know why”. No, she didn’t! Since Beth had a conscience, she took the blame in most things first, figuring it was her fault. People pointed out, after her mother’s death, that she was just off, that no one could figure out it. They all wished they had interfered in Beth’s upbringing, so she wasn’t so shy and ridiculed. She had to be perfect. Her mother, not so much...she could get away with things Beth never even dreamed of. And she made her marriage to a man that adored her miserable, all because she could. Beth was far too broken to even understand that kind of love, and wished someone wanted her like that. 

Many fires to as many frying pans later, Beth continued to make the same mistakes; with men, with life, with putting others first. She had her ups and downs with her now adult children, but things were OK for the most part. She adored them, and had vowed at the first ones birth to NEVER do what her mother had done to her, and she kept that promise. But men certainly took advantage of Beth’s sweet disposition. She had left an abusive relationship that had actually had her on women’s shelters or sleeping at friends’ homes mcu of the time. This time she escaped to Europe, to live in the ancestors' footsteps. She was always treated with a different dignity and respect here; that’s why she chose it. She met and fell in love with a man from England, but when it came time that she had used up all her savings to be with him, he didn’t want to commit. She was left to struggle on her own, going back to her empty flat to starve and freeze. It was about that time that her husband in America was being sweet, and wanted her back. Even if he had turned over a new leaf, he had made her life hell, and she didn’t love him. Guilt yes, but love, no. And it was about that time that a Scottish man at work took her to his fancy. Beth was facing Christmas all alone, she was used to having family about, and this hurt and confused her. But the idea of relying on anyone, when they all three had let her down. No, she vowed that she could not put her trust in a man for her survival; never again. Why could she be the object of affection one minute, and mean nothing the next? Beth decided to go for a walk in nature, something that always soothed her soul. She liked to forage and find things to make something beautiful, like wreaths and flower arrangements. This day, she had an epiphany from the golden sun and the feeling she had walking up actually looking forward to the day. She wrote in her diary that night what she felt from her light bulb moment…

“Epiphany

I went for my forage walk in the woods today, to gather things for a simple Valentine’s project meant for children. No cost stuff; take Christmas card envelopes in the right colours, cut into hearts, and forage for cute small things like berries and moss to stitch into them...easy. The icy weather made it hard to walk, but the sun was clear as a bell. I gathered my treasures and de-tangled my way back from the thistles and twigs, and had an epiphany when I came back. It was about my favourite colour, which is orchid pink. You would never know it, since I don’t wear it, decorate in it, don’t get gifts in it and don’t even have one bottle of nail varnish in that colour that makes me swoon. Why? Years ago, when I was living in a women’s shelter, I vowed if I ever got out and had my own place, I would use that colour...even made a cardboard dream house with magazine clippings of beautiful designer things and my coveted colour. When I moved here in 2019, I bought cheap paintings just to have something on the wall...never thought about colour. So, as soon as I got back from my walk, I took down all the paintings and repainted them in orchid pink! I am an artist, I make things, and I don’t have a budget for decorating so this isn’t a stretch for me. Plus I made the cute hearts ready to string up when February hits. I got on such a creative roll, that something opened up in me, and I had an epiphany. Since I am the kind of person that puts others first, I rarely think about my wants. Once I changed the paintings and continued my Christmas declutter I realized that colour was lurking in the background of things all along. It made me realize; I am not an English rose, able to survive little sun and terrible winters. I am a hot house orchid, and I need some TLC sometimes...and that’s OK.``