Becoming who I am today

All my life all I had known was my Padrino and Mexico, I didn't know who my parents were and nor did I know English, all I knew was that I lived with my godparents and their family. Up until the year, 1993, January 29th. It was my eighth birthday in Guadalajara Mexico, and on that early morning, a woman who I have never met came rushing into my godfather's home saying she wanted to treat me for my birthday. I had no idea who this woman was nor had I ever seen her, but I felt comfortable with her taking me out to celebrate since my godfather told me everything would be okay. I felt reassured so I went off course. Never did I expect never to see him again, the man who loved and raised me. The woman had brought her boyfriend named Juan who was waiting in the driver's seat of the car . We were driving God knows where when suddenly it was all dirt, nothing in sight but the desert and mountains. I was still very confused by what had been going on and continued with what was happening. A couple of hours later I find myself wrapped in a jacket crossing a river in the arms of Juan. At this point, I began to be worried about where these people were taking me and why my Padrino was okay with this or if he had even known where I was. Little did I know I was crossing the border with my mom and her boyfriend, it wasn't until the next day I had realized that I was never going to see my family in Mexico ever again. I was brought around people I had never met, speaking a language I had never heard of, I felt like an outsider. This feeling of being an outsider continued to grow with me all throughout my teen years as it was hard for me to transition to the new Mexican American lifestyle.

I was now ten years old living with my mother, her boyfriend Juan, and my two half-siblings Cynthia and Johnny, both of whom I had to play the role of being their mother for. I say this because both my mom and Juan were always out working part-time multiple jobs trying to make a living for us and themselves as undocumented citizens of the united states. This caused me to never really understand school or do well in it because I was exhausted from taking care of two newborn babies at the age of 10 ! from here it was all downhill, constantly moving houses and cities while also being moved schools left and right, we always feared of being deported back since my mother told me this life is better but I have to be careful of what I do since it was me my mom and Juan as the undocumented ones. It was like this for years. High school became even worse than I could ever imagine. I was getting old enough to realize all the negative things going on around my household, one being the toxic marriage my mother was in. I had packed up all my stepfather’s things such as clothes and shoes in a suitcase and threw them down the stairs of our apartment and told my mom she deserved better and he should be kicked out. My mom realizes the mess I made with his belongings and is utterly terrified of what he might do. I can see the fear in her eyes and hear it in her voice, so she made me pack all my things and go before he comes back home and I see the worst of him, so I do. So from the age of 15  and on I am forced to find my way of income and housing an undocumented 15-year-old teenage girl, I did this by living with different friends at the time, getting around using the bus (metro), and getting my first job at a pizzeria. This allowed me to make it to the last year of my high school career, coming to my surprise I met a man who I knew was the love of my life, we met after high school, his name, Jose. We had met at a house party on our graduation night and ended up getting together and dating, about a year later I had my first child at the age of twenty. I was in extreme fear of my future for I was not ready and felt alone to not have had my mom around me for all these years, a time like this is when a daughter needs her mother the most. With the help of Jose and his supporting family, I was able to raise not one but two beautiful children in their apartment complex. During this time Jose had told me he was committed to this relationship and wanted to create a better life knowing where I had come from had not been easy, for the first time in a long time in my life I had felt loved and welcomed by another I knew he wanted the best for me and cared for me and it showed. We had decided to get married and prepare to start building our own home, I couldn't be happier. One day while scrolling on Facebook I came across a woman who shared an old photo of her and her grandpa, her name was Letty Rodriguez who turned out to be my second cousin who was also related to my Padrino from Mexico, I quickly friend requested her and asked if she had any contact to my Padrino, to my luck she was able to help me out and get me to communicate with him. I was in such an anxious mood, my stomach all in Knotts and tongue all tied up when I heard his voice over the phone. He sounded a lot older, but I guess that's what happens when you don't talk to someone for twenty-plus years. He told me he wanted to come to see me for my birthday but couldn't afford to leave during this time because he had to take care of personal things. I told him not to worry and that we will see each other one day. January 29th, 2015, My 30th birthday when at home celebrating with my husband and kids I get a knock at the door, expecting it to be a family member or friend wishing me a happy birthday it was my Padrino … I quickly fell into his arms in tears thanking God for getting me to this day and point in my life, where I got to see the man who raised me again, after all, I’ve been through, the ups and downs it all paid off for this day where I knew nothing can take me down ever again. I was finally at ‘’Home’’