I was once a caterpillar but I am now a butterfly.

I was once trapped inside my shell and it was suffocating and I often felt like I was always gasping for air like a goldfish at the top of their fish tank. I did not know who I was and I was full of confusion and my veins were always pumping with Fear. I knew from my early teens that an attraction to the same sex as me was there within me because I had a huge crush on the very handsome and blue eyed head boy in my school. I went hot and flushed and I panicked whenever he was anywhere near me so there we have it I liked boys. Oh God, this is bad news I learned from my early teens that being gay was wrong, My grandparents did not agree with it and they let me know that they did not agree with it and I also lived with my dad and my uncle and they certainly did not agree with it. This was the nineties when there was very little talk of Homosexuality and LGBTQ+ was not even heard of. My mother had a friend who had just ' come out ' as gay but he had been married with two children and our little community made his life a living hell so I knew the bad things about being Gay and there was very little positive about it. I had been bullied in school because the boys in my school sensed that I was gay and they made my life a living hell. I knew deep down that they were right but I dared admit it that would have made my life ten times worse and I did not even know what my sexuality was it was all very confusing and certainly full of fear. I knew I liked boys but how did the other boys know it?. All this driven fear and utter confusion and my homophobic surroundings led me to live a life of Denial about my sexuality there was nothing else I could possibly do. Living with my very macho dad and uncle and growing up with my grandparents who knew nothing about Homosexuality led me to denial but little did I know that if you fight your body of it's natural progressions then you pay a heavy price which I did. Panic attacks , Anxiety , Depression , Social Anxiety , heart poundings , and of course a double life and the Closet yes my life was in turmoil and yes I was alone. I did not show my mental health but always carried on with life and I fought through every day being terribly lonley and full of anxiety which affected my walking and my stability when I was outside which was mortifying I can tell you . I had lost all my confidence and my self esteem and my self worth and I did not know who I was anymore I had lost myself and I had been forgotten about. To everybody else I was certainly odd but to everybody I was just strange but to them that was just me. Little did they know that there was a real person inside me with feelings and emotions and I was not a robot and boy was I hurting. There was only one thing I could do and that was to believe that I fancied girls so I did concentrate on a family friend she was attractive and very pretty and there was chemistry between us but I never acted upon it in practice I just used her as my shield to not being Gay. That was a huge mistake because whilst she was having plenty of Boyfriends and enjoying her life mine was on hold even on Ice. I resented her and I hated her because of the attention she was getting. I was forgotten about and Ignored. When her name was brought up in my family home I hyperventilated and lost the colour in my face which showed to my family. I was envious of her and it came out when her name was brought up. Again because nobody could ever see me as a person who could love another they just passed it off as me being unwell. I wanted to scream. I went to see my doctor and he put me on anti depressants and in counselling. I then spent three years in Private therapy and went to see an LGBT group but all this therapy helped me to talk but nothing changed. What can I say I spent thirty years in the closet my grandparents died , I left my dad and my uncle and got my own place and I wrote books on the LGBTQ Genre and I learned to like myself again. My writing gave me inspiration and still does even writing this tonight. I am getting back on my feet slowly with Money and I still have my dreams with my work of literature. I am now in my mid forties and if a boyfriend comes along in my life then great fear does not rule me as it once did. I am positive the butterfly in me will come out and I have learned to love myself and to look after No 1 . It has taken me a long time to be positive but my life goes to show if a person can just hang in there very tight and get over that huge tidal wave of Fear then the positives and even the dreams of the life we want can come true. Life is constantly a fight and we are learning about ourselves all the time and life's lessons can be great. For me personally I see my life lessons as getting stronger and wiser to life and I am finding myself and that can only lead to one thing and that is Freedom just to be me it's on wards and upwards now. I have through my own inner strength got over my tidal wave of Fear. I am me and if people do not like me then that is fine by me. It took me forty + years to see that vision.