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Fiction Funny

What can I say- I attract chaos. Do not seek my attention! Do not strive for fame! Do not try to flatter me with acts of vanity and glory! I know myself quite well. I am very brilliant- genius level actually- scored and approved.

I see Sunny enter the nightclub, looking around, a smirk on her face. She lowered her new granny-like glasses. From the moment she entered, all eyes were on her.

It was another party in New York City. But to her- it was just ANOTHER party in another city. Rome, Paris, L.A.- dah-ling, how boring.

She coughed deeply and out spurted a little blood. “Oh- how dare I,” she apologized in that infamous, clipped, British accent. 

She hadn't even realized her guards were rushing to her. 

“Ma toux,” she coughed again. "Ma petite toux.” She laughed. “Never mind, guards.” She slowly withdrew her white handkerchief from beneath her short, zebra-print skirt. My God- her skirts were, in fact, getting shorter. The black leather ones had revealed the famous red panties. What color is she wearing tonight, I wondered. I slap myself in anger.

I knew she could read minds. 

“Oh Meaghan," she called, “darling. You over there. Hiyeee. That's my Yankee accent.” She smiled, and the whole crowd laughed. 

“Yuck. Is everyone laugh-ing at me? Oh- how unfair. I've attracted attention again. How unfair for you, buddy. Oh- God, it was your turn to speak. Oh, wait, it was always your turn. Every time of every day. Oh- my Goddamn, darling, how annoying were you in college?” she winked and smiled. 

“Because you were- like- really, really annoying. Did you have fun doing that? Did you have fun ruining that person or that experience for me? Well, apparently, it's still happening. You're angry because I am stealing attention from you again.” 

“DANCERS!” she continued, with disdain. She bit her cheek! She looked exactly how I imagined her to be. Beautiful, thin, and glamorous. 

“F- you, Sunny,” Meaghan shouted in anger. She was sick of being embarrassed, and upstaged, by her.

A far-away look came into Sunny’s eyes, and a tear rolled down her cheek. She was stunned by this young lady's boldness. After all the times she had defended this little girl. How dare she! 

And then somehow I finally understood. It was all a charade. A big lie. Deception. I, too, had been tricked. Drawn in by the spell. Sunny was full of darkness.

“How dare you not tell me you were here, young lady?” she yelled. I tried not to scream with delight. She had noticed me. It was really unfair how much I craved her eyes on me. She seemed so happy to see me too. Must be all that coke she allegedly took. And, somehow, having raised her voice and shouted, she seemed shorter to me. 

I took a chance. Here was my opportunity to seem bold and reckless, also favored by the gods. 

“Hey, Sunny,” I yelled.

“I'll tell you what, young lady,” she sniffed. She took out some snow from the ring on her index finger and sniffed again. It was all true.

“Oh- would you like some? How terribly rude and selfish of me not to ask,” she said to me. I had tried to avoid this. But here I come, Sunny.

As I approached, she stepped back. “Don’t you dare, young lady, or else I’ll give you the spanking you deserve. You're better than this.” She paused for a moment, angling her neck. “Alright, kid,” she said, “everyone deserves to have a little fun. Here is some powder for the rest of the night. Just don’t become addicted like Freud. Later, kid, the DJ is playing my song.” She took off in the other direction towards the middle of the club and got up on a table.

The DJ was playing a slow and sexy song- one of those Lauryn Hill 90's ballads. It reminded her of her teenage years- years full of angst, depression, and, of course, more parties. 

Something was wrong with the lights above the table- the bulbs kept flickering. Made it look like she was dancing with special effects. Suddenly, she reached up to adjust the bulb. And the table wobbled. 

“Careful, sweetheart,” I said, using her favorite term of endearment. I had followed after her and held the table steady. Probably saving her life.

“ Oh, thank you, sweetheart, I almost fell,” she said, still looking up. Goddamn it, Sunny thought to herself. Even the table had not been bolted down. She could have toppled and broken her lovely head. This party was in serious danger. But the fact that they were using her security team meant that she had to make sure the job was done perfectly. So she quickly leapt up and saw the loose screws in the lamp. It hadn’t been the bulb at all. 

“Damn it!” She hated to curse like that. But, this was a safety hazard. She finally stopped moving and stood still. From the bar area, there came a flash.

“Did someone just take my picture?” she shouted angrily, “we said NO press.” 

She waved one of the members of her team over. “Tommy, can you please get me a screwdriver? I have to fix this myself. Someone might get hurt. Unless that is the plan.” Oh shit. Her nose started to bleed. And she took out her handkerchief again and held it to her face, trying to stop the bleeding.

After her nose had stopped bleeding, Sunny looked down and asked, “what are you doing here, kid? Wanna’ drink? I’m buying.” Am I awake, I thought. Am I dead yet? She was even more gorgeous up close and smelled like heaven. I wanted to scar her. Maybe a cut just below her right eye. She was too beautiful. “Of course, Sunny,” I replied, “I would love a drink.”

As we headed to the bar, she suddenly muttered, “my nose, ouch.” Damn. It was the itch. Again? She started to scratch her pum pum. “Well, I'll be right back, kid. I'll meet you at the bar. Let me just quickly run to the restroom.” And she was gone, disappearing within the crowd into the back of the club.

A few moments later, at the bar, she looked deep into my eyes and asked, “do you know who this party is for? It's my ex's engagement party.  How cruel of his girl to book my company. They're over there in the VIP section. And I plan to ignore them all night.”

“Well, he can't seem to take his eyes off of you,” I yelled above the music. She chuckled.

“I know, right? Sucks for her.” She paused, lowered her glasses again, and looking towards the entrance, drawled, “here come the boys.” 

I followed her gaze and saw a group of Navy men. They looked so handsome and were headed right in our direction.

“Hey, Sunny,” said their leader. “We just wanted to ask our favorite girl for a quick dance.” 

“It’s New York City, darling,” Sunny replied. “Here’s your opportunity. Step up boys- just ask her for a dance. She’s not very intimidating. Here’s your chance. I know you’re excited. Ask her.”

“Lady,” a young one said, getting very close to Sunny. “Give you a quarter for a dance.” 

“Put all your quarters into stock investments.” She gave it back. She actually flipped it. “Here you go, young man. Invest in Spotify today. You’ll thank me tomorrow. Anyway, please, a quarter? How dare you offend me?” She laughed. “Awww- come on. Alright. What’s it really worth to you, boys? I'm not some cheap trick or slut.”

“How dare you draw attention away from the bride, young lady?” I said, sarcastically, copying her word choice, adopting her cause, even affecting her accent.

I thought that wicked bride. Sunny was right. That's a deadly attack. Quite unfair actually- a sin of commission. 

Sunny tilted her head back, and that pondering look came over her face again. A reggae song by Shaggy started blasting. She thought for a moment and then said, “Why not boys. Let's upstage the bride. DJ- come down- selector. It's time to dance. Let's go boys!”

She let out a quick breath. Flipped up the collar of her jacket and was off. Didn't even say goodbye to me. And here I thought that we had become friends. How dare she then?

I looked towards the exit. Time to go. No time to watch Sunny dance. Another job to do. Tonight was going to be a great night, I thought. It was probably all the coke. But I felt good! Here I am, Sunny- I almost yelled after her. I am the youngest assassin ever sent here to kill you. 

I stepped out of the nightclub. New York City was cold. And with Sunny back it suddenly felt colder. I zipped up my jacket. Sam Cooke's “A Change Is Gonna Come” followed me out into the night. Should I warn her, I thought. I cocked my head to one side and pondered my options. Nah- it seemed like Sunny was prepared for all eventuality.

I thought about going back inside the club for one more drink with her. Or maybe a dance with a Navy man. But, instead, I kept walking.

True, I had been tempted to complete the mission. To kill, Sunny- the “It-girl” of the NYC. But not many knew that she was the Queen of England's illegitimate, half-Black, granddaughter. And that's the reason I had been commissioned. It was about inheritance. It was always about money. But, then, I thought- even though I would be in trouble- I had to let her live. She was just too beautiful to send to heaven. And, after all, like everybody else, I also had fallen in love with Sunny. I couldn't wait to see her again.

December 02, 2023 01:18

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