The Hymenial Agreement

As soon as she walked in the door Armand knew there was something unusual about her. The young lady wasn’t beautiful. Rather, she was arresting, inescapable in a way he’d never experienced. Her allure effected everyone.

Elizabeth Montage was an average height, dressed with a broad-based calf length brown linen skirt and a wide dark burnished leather belt that accentuated her narrow waist. Contrasted against the skirt and belt was a light linen blouse with peach flower blossoms suggestive of an ample bosom. As she came closer, Armand noticed matching burnished leather riding boots. They were traditional riding boots with a near flat heel that placed her height at a real 5’ 7”. Not the original 5’ 4” he’d assumed by automatically adjusting for the more common taller heel. Her face was just a touch narrow and she had wide set, deep emerald green eyes that narrowed to a straight thin point toward her ears. The eyes were suggestive of, but not quite Asian and seemed a touch out of place with her pale white skin.

That simple miscalculation of her height turned out to be the first of many. It wasn’t until she carefully took a seat opposite him, gently removed her gloves and precisely placed them on the table that he saw her ring finger was slightly longer than her index finger. After that he noticed the subtle edges of her hair. They were too perfect, suggestive of laser hair removal. To remove facial hair with only the slightest darkening of the skin required a skilled dermatologist. Armand realized she might be a “he”.

Whoever she / he was, the person also had a soft alto tone. That was something hard to fake. A careless adjustment in Armand’s seat that resulted in a clumsy kick to her shin, confirmed her tone. A cross dresser would have lost pitch in the corresponding squeal.

What happened next shocked him. The woman promptly came around the table, seated herself on his lap and whispered into his ear. “Let me assure you, I am all woman.” She then placed her hand on the table, lifted it and rapidly tapped the table, whereupon her index finger was now slightly longer than her ring finger. Then Elizabeth took a small scarf from her handbag and patted her cheeks, as women sometimes do when they flush pink with an edge of embarrassment. As she removed the scarf, her hair flowed into the soft down of ultra fine hair one finds on every woman’s face.

With this accomplished she squealed, jumped up and slapped him forcefully. Standing there, staring at him with the intensity of a falcon eyeing its prey, in full soprano she exclaimed. “Armand, I thought, we were dear friends. My father would not appreciate your freshness. I suggest you take a few moments and school your thoughts before you stand! This, this, ... I, I thought you would help me. This is too much.” She then immediately ran from the tavern, tears streaming from her eyes. At which point the crowded tavern broke out in uproarious laughter. 

Red faced but seldom at a loss for words, after she left, and with every eye upon him, Armand sighed and spoke out. “Sometimes it is a curse to be a man. ... But, I must admit, ... it is a curse I thoroughly enjoy.” A few more laughs followed this as everyone returned to their business.

That was when Armand realized he had something in his top pocket.

“It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am Lady Elizabeth Montage, Magician Extraordinaire, Chartered Engineer. Sadly, my previous sponsor has passed on to the next life. My inquiries show you are a perceptive gentleman despite your attempts to appear the rogue. I’ve decided you are a suitable gentleman and look forward to our partnership and speaking with you about the terms and conditions of our hymeneal agreement. 

I have moved into your estate in Georgetown. Mr. Bixby has been most accommodating, moving me into the master suite hidden above the stables just behind the guest house. He agreed that given my ability to enter and exit the suite without his capability to discern the method, qualified me for employment. In truth, he realized he could hardly stop me as he did not understand how I accomplished it. His little cameras and electronic gadgets were hardly up to the task. You have all missed so much by ignoring the benefits of steam technology. We will of course need to discuss your substandard security. I shall require a significant advance to improve it.

Very Truly,

Lady Elizebeth Montage,

Magician Extraordinaire

Chartered Engineer

Armand sat in continued shock at the complete brazenness of the woman. Brazen though she was, he’d not been so completely enthralled by anyone in years.

Armand’s current business associate, Renaldo, disrupted him as he considered the note further. “My friend, that was a dangerous woman. She’s captured your attention at a time you can ill afford it.”

As he came back to his surroundings, Armand glanced around to assure himself of his security. “Yes—. Though, as you note, she was remarkably captivating.”

Renaldo wondered just how well the girl and her father knew Armand. He wouldn’t trust Armand to be anywhere near his daughter. That was just one of the many reasons he met Armand in places like Raven’s Wharf.

Raven’s Wharf took its name from Baltimore’s claim on the poet Edgar Allan Poe. It was a decent little tavern that straddled the more upscale areas of Baltimore’s inner harbor and the slips where freighters and the occasional cruise ship moored. Raven’s clientele comprised freight liner passengers, merchant marines meeting shore friends, longshoremen with their wives, various expatriates collecting special merchandise and others making direct deals with a ship’s purser or Captain’s clerk for small and partial container shipments.

Armand and his business associate Renaldo were here for the same reason. They’d shipped a steamer trunk with a particular freighter Captain who informed them the trunks lock was picked and its contents stolen. Even the teasing well had been located and whatever was within it removed. The Captain was very apologetic about it. Armand had feigned outrage and demanded the Captain at least have his trunk returned. It was a small trunk but could still be of service and more importantly, it was of sentimental value to Armand. The Captain agreed, again apologizing profusely for the theft of the diamonds and gold jewelry Armand told him the trunk had contained. Now it was only left to return the trunk.

So it was shortly after Elizabeth Montage had left, a very nervous ships clerk arrived at the Raven’s Wharf and presented Armand’s small steamer trunk. Armand and Renaldo checked the trunk carefully and determined the diamonds and gold jewelry were indeed stolen. Armand spoke briefly to the clerk and thanked him for returning the trunk. Armand said, “Though it was the Captain’s responsibility to bring the trunk, I understand the Captain’s need to see to his duties. Thank you Mr. Petry for bringing the trunk. It’s an old trunk, but I’m glad to see it wasn’t damaged.”

A few moments later inside his cargo van, Armand peeled an ugly vinyl coating off the trunk. As the vinyl was peeled away, a rich antique rosewood trunk was revealed.

Armand’s business associate Renaldo beheld the transformation with bated breath. Once complete he surveyed the trunk, reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone and said “send payment”.

Armand sat and waited patiently. In about five minutes his phone rang. “Very good ... Renaldo, it has been a pleasure doing business with you. Until next time.”

Several blocks away a freighter Captain sat in a back room with a jeweler. With them he saw a note.

Captain: 

Accept these as your bonus. Understand that it should convey a warning. If you steal from me again it will have a severe effect on your health. And really, what is life without your health?

The Captain considered his health. He knew Armand could be a dangerous man.

Armand wasn’t certain how he felt about The Magician Extraordinaire, Lady Elizabeth Montage. He wasn’t sure if what she did in Raven’s Tavern was a parlor trick or something else. Perhaps a technology he was unfamiliar with. He’d heard of tricks like that, but it seemed so real. As for what she’d done at the at secured suite above the stable, Armand’s Houseman, Mr. Bixby, couldn’t figure it out and that was impressive.

Now she was stipulating room, board and an annual allowance of $141,592.65 plus $3,141,592.65 for equipment and labor to secure the premises. Armand had already confirmed with Mr. Bixby the estate had state-of-the-art security. It would require high confidence in whatever she was proposing for him to invest that much.

And so Armand went to meet with Lady Montage about the conditions of her employment and found a young man who identified himself as Elizebeth Montage. This young man was about 5’7” tall and could have been Elizabeth’s brother. What he could not be was a lady. He spoke in a baritone voice and was hard to imagine as Lady Montage. As Armand continued staring, the young man burst out laughing clapped his hands and was the Lady Montage. 

Armand became angry, “Whoever you actually are, I don’t appreciate parlor tricks and in my business I can’t afford to have my mind clouded. I’ve never been hypnotized, but I can see you’ve somehow accomplished it. If we are to have any further relationship at all you will end this hypnosis immediately and permanently.”

Elizabeth laughed gently. “My dear Armand, you are not hypnotized. Did I not tell you I’m a magician? These are among the magical tricks required to achieve the rank of Extraordinaire. As my partner, it entitles you to know certain elements of my craft so long as you agree to the full terms and conditions of the agreement I left in your study. Any revelation must include your full discretion. Do you agree to the terms and conditions? ...” ... Armand nodded his head. ... “So, that is a yes to the agreement you have in your study. This commitment, made before Mr. Bixby as witness, will be fully binding. Again, you agree to the terms and conditions in your study.”

Armand said, “YES!”

Lady Elizabeth Montage continued, “Mr. Bixby, you have witnessed this, and you have seen the agreement in Armand’s study.”

Mr.Bixby quietly said “Yes”.

Lady Elizabeth continued, “Very well, will you each sign the agreement? Mr. Bixby, please confirm to Armand this is the same agreement.” Mr. Bixby nodded in the affirmative to Armand.

Lady Elizabeth continued, “Ah, very good. I’ve already sent out the initial order for equipment.” Elizabeth stepped away and continued drifting through the courtyard of the Villa, speaking to herself in an odd language and taking notes.

Armand was not in the habit of signing things he’d not scrutinized carefully. “Mr. Bixby, before we go any further, was that a reasonable contract that I signed?” Mr. Bixby, as a member of the Bar in good standing, often provided legal services for Armand. “Well Sir, there are a few things we should spend some time discussing.” ... “Bixby, I don’t have the time or patience for all that. Just give me the bottom line. Is the agreement fair?” ... “Oh, yes sir, it’s quite fair and equitable for both parties.”

“All right, let’s get on with this, and discuss the proposed security changes. Wait, is my finger bleeding?”

Lady Montage quickly returned from across the courtyard and touched Armand’s finger. It immediately stopped bleeding. “Don’t worry about that. These contracts require an element of blood. Basically, one drop. It’s one of those left over old world things. There now, I’ve sent it off to the records.” Armand and Mr. Bixby looked on in shock as small bird hovered, swallow the entire contract and flew away.

Without so much as a blink, Lady Elizabeth noticed their shock and stated, “it’s a magician thing, small trick, nothing to it really. … Now, you remember I told you it was a shame you abandoned steam technology? ... Where I’m from we did not. In due course, we began applying more and more pressure to steam. Under significant pressure the elements of hydrogen, oxygen and magnesium bind to form an additional element. This element when absorbed into certain humans creates new pathways in the brain and opens the body to energies and abilities made available through the multitude of dimensions around us.”

Armand, “You still haven’t answered the question. How can you change your body?”

Lady Elizabeth replied, “well, I should think that would be obvious. I’m a magician from a slightly different dimension. Magicians are those people whose genome reacts and binds with the element created by ultra compression of pure steam with a magnesium particle. The exact fractional ratio of bound elements, water, with the catalyzing single element magnesium, is highly classified. I’m a Magician and more than just a magician, I’m a Magician Extraordinaire. One achieves the rank of Extraordinaire when they can fully bleed into and out of each dimension and use that dimension’s unique physics in whatever dimension they reside.”

Armand looked confused.

Elizabeth spoke, “Armand, my investigation revealed you to have a much higher intelligence than you are exhibiting. Let me explain simply. The molecule oxyhydemium, created through advanced steam technology, is bound to my DNA. I can change to anything I want. I choose less advanced changes because the change requires energy commensurate with the degree of change.” Much more quietly she whispered, “and it is very painful.”

Armand thought for a moment. “So, you must consume enormous meals for large changes. You clap hoping that I will not notice the pain.” ... “Change into a wolf.”

Elizabeth answered, “Armand, if I change into a wolf, I will become naked. Let me assure you, I would maul you before I allow the lewd thoughts your mind harbors.”

Armand laughed, “So, you’re from a different dimension. What is your true appearance?”

“Mr Armand, I hardly think that is relevant.” Elizabeth answered.

Armand said, “Perhaps not, but I demand you show me your true self.” ... “Lady Montage, that is in your terms and conditions, ... you actually thought I would agree to something I hadn’t read. I read the terms and conditions you left in my study. Now, “upon demand”. So, I demand to see your true self.”

With indignation Elizabeth replied, “You are very annoying Mr Armand!” Elizabeth changed into a woman, with pearlescent skin, a thinner body, sharply pointed ears, higher cheek bones and almond shaped eyes. “There, are you satisfied. ... Stop laughing, I am not an elf. ... What?, I am certainly not a leprechaun. ... If you must know, I am Euchmrideanies.”

Armand teased, “What? You’re an elf, you have pointed ears and everything. Can you shoot a bow and arrow?” 

Elizabeth stomped her feet. “Of course I can. All Euchmrideanies can. Stop laughing!” Elizabeth stomped indentations into the courtyard, “You are impossible! I should have known better than to think you were a gentleman! This will be the first and last time you see my true self!”

She returned to her human form. A woman of about 5’ 7”, with long dark hair carefully braided into a single braid, and a slightly full, but balanced figure. “Why are you looking at me strangely?”

Armand studied her. “The real difference is the ears and makeup. Why wear makeup? You’re trying to be more attractive for me?”

Elizabeth yelled, “YOU ARE INFURIATING! If you don’t leave I shall turn you into a toad!”

Armand, smiled broadly. “Touchy, touchy.” Noticing Elizabeth was losing her temper, Armand softened his tone. “Okay, I’m leaving. Mr. Bixby will assist you for anything you need.” As he walked away, he added, “If you didn’t like me, you wouldn’t bother adding the makeup and it wouldn’t infuriate you. Don’t worry though, I do find you immensely attractive.” after a few steps away Armand added, “for your intellect.” With that said, he first noticed a slight smile quickly followed by a frown. “Now, now, no mind reading. Terms & Conditions, they’re so very important, don’t you agree?”

Elizabeth yelled, “Get out!”

Armand laughed as he heard Lady Montage again stomp her feet.

Lady Elizabeth Montage turned to Mr. Bixby. “Really, the man is insufferable. How do you tolerate him?”

Mr. Bixby calmly replied, “yes, at times he is insufferable. But, there is something about him that’s very endearing and a more loyal friend you’ll never have.”

Beginning to calm herself Elizabeth replied, “Well, thank God there is some redeeming quality in the man. Apparently he did not read the fine print. Did you read the fine print, Mr. Bixby?” ... “I thought you would. Let’s keep that to ourselves for now. There’s no point in letting him know the full extent of his commitment just yet.”

With a nod and a wink Mr. Bixby said, “My thoughts exactly mam. After all, it’s about time he settled down. Though, it is a rather sudden marriage. Lady Montage, what is your reason for not letting him know Euchmrideanies is an Elven Forest?”

Lady Montage looked up sharply. “Mr. Bixby, if you know that then you also know we consider elf and elves to be offensive common gutter slang. Which is why I would not deem to recognize such from Armand. Even in familiar family slang the only name we will abide is elphine. Do not let me ever hear you refer to me or my people with language from the gutter.”

Well, thought Armand, that went well. Obviously, she likes me. There is something about her that’s fascinating. Glad she didn’t realize I only skimmed the terms and conditions she left me. Hymenial Terms and Conditions is a rather bizarre way of titling an employment agreement. Probably some crazy thing from Euchmrideanies, wherever that is. Perhaps I should look up the full meaning of Hymenial Agreement, pursuant to superseding old world law.