Frederico The Magnifico

"First, the flight was delayed by 14 hours, and now you're telling me you lost my luggage?"

"I am sorry, sir. We can give you a $50 credit for any future flight for the inconvenience," replied the exhausted gate attendant, looking past the upset man to the 30 or so other people he would have to disappoint today.

"I have a show in less than 2 hours, and most of my gear is in the luggage. What am I supposed to do now?"

The gate attendant grinned, "Aren't you Frederico the Magnifico? Isn't your whole thing that you see it coming?" He laughed at his own clever remark. This was going to be a story he would tell his friends and family for years to come- the day he bested a world-famous magician in a battle of wits.

Frederico mockingly joined the laughter." Never heard that one before," he sneered. "You should become a stand-up comic."

"Really?"

"Yep!" Frederico eyed the voucher in the agent's hand. "You already know how to disappoint people after wasting their time."

As if he had viewed Medusa herself, the agent's face turned to stone. "Do you want the voucher or not?"

The crowd behind Frederico began grumbling at the delay at the counter. With an apelike grunt, Frederico snatched the voucher from the agent's surprisingly moist hands. He shoved the damp paper supposedly worth $50 in credits in his backpack, the only piece of luggage that made it with him and headed outside to catch his ride.

Unable to find a driver holding a sign with his name on it, Federico called Melissa Reynolds, the woman planning the evening's festivities at the hotel that she also manages. It was her idea to have Federico the Magnifico perform his world-famous magic show as a way to attract people to her outdated property.

"Where's my car?" Frederico barked before Melissa could even say hello.

"Mr. Magnifico!" Melissa replied, ignoring the magician's rudeness, "Since you didn't send us an updated ETA, I wasn't sure when you were coming in. Unfortunately, the hotel doesn't have a car to spare to pick you up."

"Well, isn't that swell?" Frederico retorted with the same energy as a teenager being told to clean their room.

Being already familiar with the moodiness of suburban families, Melissa remained professional. "We can reimburse you for any cost associated with your travel to the venue. Just get here ASAP. You are supposed to be on stage in less than 90 minutes." Once she hung up the phone, Melissa made several unprofessional remarks not only about Frederico's demeanor but also about his mother.

"Well, isn't this swell?" Frederico muttered to no one in particular. He scheduled an Uber, but the closest driver, Raul R., was 20 minutes away. Since many of his usual tricks were on their way to who knows where, the magician used his time to come up with a brand-new magic show that required little to no props besides the ones he had on him, or he shipped a week in advance.

Frederico was working on a shopping list of items he would need to pull off the updated show when the driver finally arrived… 15 minutes late.

"Sorry for the lateness, sir," Raul said in a mousy manner. "Lots of airport traffic."

Frederico wordlessly ignored the weak apology and climbed into the backseat.

After a few minutes on the road and stealing several glimpses into the rear-view mirror of the man who looked like the love child of Carrot Top and Hercules Poirot, Raul finally recognized his passenger. "Hey, now wait a minute! Aren't you Frederico the Magnifico?"

"I am," Frederico the Magnifico replied. He silently prayed that this would be the end of the conversation.

"I thought I recognized you! I'm a huge fan. In fact–"

"I'm sorry," the magician interjected unapologetically, "but my flight was delayed, and my luggage was lost. I'm trying to focus on building a new show."

"Well, ain't that ironic!"

"And why is that?"

"Because you're freaking Frederico the Magnifico! Your whole thing is that you can see it coming."

"Aren't you clever?" Frederico retorted with his barbed sarcasm.

The insult went right over Raul's head. "You are one of the best. Been watching you on TikTok for years. In fact–"

"Stop talking," demanded Frederico. Any pretense of politeness was as lost as his luggage. "I need to work, and I don't have much time. My show is in less than an hour."

"But sir, that is what I'm trying to say–"

"If you say one more word, I swear I will write you such a terrible one-star review on Uber that will discourage everyone from entering this dilapidated Prius you call a ride."

"Forgive me, sir,” Raul pleaded. "I understand you're in a time crunch because–"

"What did I say?" Frederico yelled. He could feel his skin flushed hot with anger, "Could you turn the AC at least?"

Raul took a deep breath in anticipation of Frederico's reaction, "I'm afraid not. AC doesn't work."

Frederico tutted at the news. There were still ten minutes left before they arrived. Not only was the ride hell, but it was going to feel like it as well.

From behind the wheel, Raul watched his hero turn into a villain right before his eyes. "What a tool," Raul lamented mentally.

***

While never a particularly fit man, Frederico moved with Olympic speed once Raul dropped him off at the hotel. He bounded up the stairs, dropped off his backpack, and sprinted to the supermarket across the street to grab the few supplies necessary for his new show. Back in his room, he took some time to catch his breath, walk off some leg cramps, and write the scathing one-star review of Raul R.. He looked at his phone. Rather than noticing the 14 missed calls from Melissa Reynolds, he paid attention to the time. He was supposed to be on stage five minutes ago.

With no time for a shower, Frederico bathed himself in cologne and stuffed the gimmicks and supplies in his oversized coat jacket and equally oversized pants. He walked down to the large conference room's green room, where Melissa Reynolds was waiting. Her composure was as fragile as Frederico the Magnifico's ego.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"Well, since my flight was delayed, I had to run to the store to get some new supplies." Frederico had a shark-like smile as he spoke the next line, "However, I would have been here 40 minutes ago had you just sent me a car. We live, and we learn, I guess."

Melissa matched his smile. "And here I thought you were Frederico the Magnifico. Aren't you supposed to have seen all the issues coming?"

Frederico's face turned diamond red from anger. "I am sick and tired of everyone making the same unfunny joke. Only I can say, 'I am Frederico the Magnifico, and I saw it coming.'"

Knowing she had crossed a line and that there was still a show to perform, Melissa tried to get back on track. "Sorry. I am thankful you are here. We have a packed house out there. Due to the delay, we provided the attendees with an open bar until you arrived. Will five minutes be enough time to prepare?"

Frederico nodded, focusing more on his inner thoughts than whatever she thought was important. "The fireworks?" he asked.

"Surprisingly, the fire chief approved the indoor pyro that you shipped in advance as long as we have a paramedic and firefighter on standby, which we do. Unfortunately, we don't have time for a walk-through. But if you have any tech needs, Brandon, here is your man."

"Sup," said the young man, who was definitely Melissa's son.

"I'll introduce you in five. Break a leg." Melissa told Frederico, who was already with Brandon.

"This will be a simple show that even you can follow along. I only have one trick that requires music. All you have to do is pay attention to when I say "unlucky" while holding a bucket. You got that?"

"Yup," replied Brandon. He put the wireless mic on the magician and left to take his spot behind the soundboard. The show was about to begin.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience," began Melissa. "It is my honor to welcome to the stage, Frederico!"

The audience burst into massive applause as Melissa went backstage. A furious Frederico was waiting for her there. "You are supposed to introduce me as Frederico the Magnifico!" he roared.

"I'm sorry," Melissa feigned, "but I thought you said only you could call yourself that."

"Why listen here, you–"

"Your mic is live," Melissa warned and bounced away from Frederico.

Biting his tongue, Frederico went on stage and asked in the audience's adoration. After all the struggles he went through, these were the moments that made every obstacle worthwhile.

"Thank you! You are all way too kind," Frederico said with a tone of humility as real as his stage name. "My name is Frederico THE MAGNIFICO," he paused for dramatic effect, "and I saw it coming."

The audience burst into another round of applause as Melissa wheeled into a portable wall draped in a purple curtain. Affixed to the center was an envelope marked with the words, "What I saw coming." This was Frederico the Magnifico’s signature trick, and he was grateful that at least FedEx could get things to arrive on time.

"And based on what I saw, I am debuting a brand-new magic show just for you today," declared the magician, savoring each word he spoke.

"Liar," yelled a man from the audience.

Frederico was nonplussed. Why would someone call him a liar? How much did these people drink? The magician asked Brandon, "Bart, could we turn up the house lights a tad so I can see my beautiful audience?"

Had Brandon had a mic, his response would have made the show unsuitable for kids. Instead, he did as he was asked.

With the lights up, Frederico proceeded to select a burly teen wearing his letterman jacket from the audience for the first trick, a Russian Roulette-style game but with one egg rather than a bullet. "Ok, young man, we are going to take turns slamming our hands onto the paper bags until someone finds the egg. Understood? Now you are going to go first–"

Before Frederico could finish giving the instructions, the football-playing teen slammed his hand on the paper bag in front of him. Unfortunately, that bag also contained the egg that was supposed to be avoided had the trick been done correctly. The force of the slam caused bits of egg to land on Frederico's face and the floor.

Frederico wiped his face with a handkerchief that was meant for another trick and, through gritted teeth, said, "Well, how unlucky of you. You can sit down now. Thanks."

"All For the Best," from the musical Godspell, began playing, and Frederico realized his blunder. He said the cue word. "Not now, Bradley," he yelled at Brandon. "Turn it off!"

Once the music was cut, an uneasy silence filled the room. The show was already off to a rough start. Fortunately, Frederico was a professional and knew how to pivot into the classic "magician is in trouble" plot. For all the audience knew, this was part of the show.

"For my next trick, I will need someone who has a one-dollar bill on them." Frederico waited for a solid minute as the audience searched for the elusive bill. He had phased out this trick as people rarely carry cash on them, but today, he had no choice but to perform it. "Anyone has a dollar they can bring up?"

"I do," said the voice that had also called a liar. The man ran up and joined Frederico on stage.

"Thank you for joining me today. Could you confirm with the audience that we have never met before until this very moment?"

"That is incorrect, sir," said the faintly familiar voice. "We actually met a couple of hours ago when you rode my car. I was your biggest fan."

Frederico froze, his blood boiling in rage and fear. He now recognized Raul R. as the volunteer. Taking a moment to compose himself, Frederico took command of the moment, "That is indeed true. And I made it a point to not talk about any details of the show. Is that not true?"

"Technically, yeah, but–"

Frederico cut him off before he could finish the thought. "Excellent. You will be a volunteer for two tricks. May I see your bill, please?" The magician took the dollar bill, secretly hid it up his sleeve, and mimed putting it in an envelope that was promptly sealed. “Your job is to keep this safe." Frederico said as he gave the envelope to Raul, mentally adding, "although based on your driving, I doubt you can.”

Turning to the audience, Frederico pulled out a notepad and explained that eight audience members would write down any six-digit number in the notepad, which Melissa would then collect. She was not thrilled to be used as the magician’s de facto assistant, but she was thrilled by how much money this show made.

Returning to the center stage, Frederico produced a deck of cards from what appeared out of thin air. He performed a few card flourishes to give the appearance of shuffling the deck and handed them to Raul. "Cut the deck as often as you like," the magician instructed, miming how to cut the deck to avoid any more mistakes. "Once you decide to stop cutting, look at the top card and keep it in your pocket. Understood?"

Raul gave a thumbs up.

Turning back to the audience, Frederico asked for a status update on the numbers. For a few seconds, it seemed that the notepad was lost. Frederico's heart sank. Then, a woman, who was on her third vodka tonic, said she had it.

"Got me worried there," Frederico quipped. "There was no way I could be that unlucky." He regretted the words as soon as he heard the music begin playing. "Do you see me holding a bucket, Bobby? Turn it off!"

Frederico, not feeling his typical "magnifico" self, tried to focus on collecting the deck of cards from Raul. He snuck a peek at the bottom card (Eight of Clubs) and smiled. He knew what card the driver had in his pocket.

Had Frederico not been busy trying to turn off the classic show tune, he probably would have noticed that Raul had shuffled the deck, thereby ruining the new deck order. Had Frederico also not spent time writing a review for Raul, he probably would have remembered to pull out the jokers. Instead, with misguided confidence, Frederico the Magnifico declared, "I can see that your card is the Nine of Clubs!"

With a satisfied grin, Raul replied, "Nope!"

Crestfallen but undeterred, Frederico moved on to the next trick. He grabbed the notepad from Meliisa and had Raul add up the numbers. If done correctly, the sum would match the bill's serial number that magically transported itself from the sealed envelope into the lemon that had been on the table since the beginning.

"A knife!" Frederico blurted out loud. He forgot a knife to cut the lemon open. "Does anyone have a pocket knife I can borrow?"

"You forgot a knife?" Raul reprimanded. "How unlucky of you." Upon hearing the cue word, Brandon, partly due to his dislike of Frederico and partly because he liked chaos, once again played "All For the Best."

As Frederico tried to get the music to stop, a man in the front row, who currently had the record for most drinks that evening, stood up and shouted, "I got you." He opened up the pocket knife to confirm it worked and staggered quickly onto the stage.

Before Frederico could stop him, the man slipped on some of the leftover egg residue. The knife flew into the air and landed on Frederico's left butt cheek. The sudden pain caused the magician to flinch up, dislodging the hidden mechanism up his sleeve. About 70 quarters that were meant for his musical trick, as well as the hidden dollar bill, fell onto the ground. Totally losing his bearings, he staggered into the table, knocking the lemon down with such force that it rolled towards the tripod containing the finale's pyrotechnics, causing it to fall. The crash landing triggered the explosion, and the mini firework landed directly onto the envelope labeled "What I saw coming."

Melissa and a paramedic checked on the fallen guest (for liability reasons) as the firefighter put out the flames. Raul cackled, enjoying how quickly karma took its revenge. "That's what you get for giving me a one-star review!" he mocked.

As if on cue, Raul's phone received a notification that Frederico's review was approved. Curious about what the failed magician wrote, he opened the app and clicked the review.

“No… No way… Impossible…” Raul stammered as he read.

Melissa was curious about the strange reactions. "Can I see?" she asked. Upon seeing the review, she commanded her son to cut the music and get Raul a mic so that everyone could hear the review. He began:

"A Complete Disaster- Uber should have egg on their face for allowing such an unprofessional driver. First off, nothing worked in the lemon of a car. Definitely will cause an accident one day. Second, the driver was rude and a pain in the butt. He is as useless as a joker. One star."

As he said the last words, Raul pulled out the card from his pocket for the audience to see... the joker. "Everything he said came true," he cried out. "He saw it coming,”

Holding his bloody derrière, Frederico witnessed the loudest applause of his life. "It was all for the best," he thought. "I am truly… MAGNIFICO!"