Insomnia's Visitor

I can’t sleep.  

It’s nothing new. If I had dollar for every night I had put my head on a specially designed supportive and temperature-controlled pillow and performed my meditation, deep breathing, and mind clearing I could probably take a lifelong vacation only to not fall asleep on the shores of a beautiful warm beach in some far off exotic land to the sound of waves crashing. If tonight were any different than the thousands of others in my life when the prospect of sleep ran screaming the moment I placed my body in between the sheets, I may have fainted dead away with surprise. Tonight was no different though. I can’t sleep. 

The first couple of hours are easiest. Some people in the world end their day later than others. I can hear doors closing gently. Sometimes there is soft talking and maybe a muted laugh here and there if couples or families are returning home late from an outing or dinner. Dogs will often bark at a feigned intruder or unfamiliar sound or shape on a late-night walk. Very infrequently there might be the wail of an emergency vehicle rushing to someone’s misfortune. I’ve learned that any sound is a small blessing, a signal that I’m not alone in the world and others are still out there, living and breathing.  

As the night wears on the quiet and stillness of the world thickens. Streetlights glow and sometimes even a porch light, forgotten to be switched off, still shines. The lights are only mildly helpful in combating the darkness of night as I am well aware that the inky blackness that has descended with the absence of the sun lurks just beyond the arc of light that can be extinguished at any moment. 

I don’t remember exactly when the problems with sleep began, but it was early in life. Growing up in a fundamental and highly demanding religion I learned a lot about Satan and how he wanted to wreak havoc and rain down death and destruction on the world. The scariest teaching, by far however, was the one in which the Lord of Darkness could enter a body and possess someone if they were bad. Although not a very disobedient child, I was never able to work out just how bad one had to be to have this possession take place, so I spent most of my teen years lying in bed for hours at a time, night after night, waiting and wondering if this was going to be the night I became Lucifer’s bodily host. Over the years, and after much life experience, I came to believe less and less in Satan’s power and even in his existence, but the absence of belief didn’t fix the problem of lying in bed and listening to the darkness waiting for sleep that would seldom come. 

I have learned to compensate for the chronic short nights. Being exhausted is a constant and I’ve learned tricks to fake a tired body and mind into staying awake and aware. There is caffeine in all its varieties, which often does not seem to help all that much, but trying to break the habit brings headaches and crankiness, consequences I’m not willing to live with as well as no sleep. There is the incessant snacking on nuts, seeds, jerky, chocolate, gummies, really anything small that keeps the mouth busy and mind from shutting down. Now, well into my career, I use a standing desk, and although there are times when I feel myself tipping over because of tiredness, it's easier to stay alert than when sitting. And then the napping. In college I called them power naps because that made it feel like it was strengthening, but for a guy who partied little, I felt like a pensioner who was old before their time. Nowadays I fight against this urge to sleep, sometimes more successfully than others, when the sun is up because it makes the situation at night even worse. 

Tonight, as I lie in the darkness listening to nothing and wishing that the sweet unconscious state of sleep would overtake me, I hear a quiet yet distinct voice. “Rick are you awake?” 

Startled I immediately try to find its origin. My neighbor calling through the window because he locked himself out of his apartment again? Maybe I nodded off and am in a dream state, but, after a well placed pinch, I am certain I am not sleeping. 

“Rick, I know you are not asleep. Let’s talk.” 

Having a sleep problem, one is inclined to do a lot of research into the issue and having confirmed I wasn’t dreaming, nor was it the voice of my neighbor, the only other plausible explanation was that I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. Now what? My sleep deprivation had gotten the best of me, and I was losing my mind. Panic was washing over me as I was unable to remember if a sleep induced psychosis could be reversed or not. This was bad. 

“Calm down Rick. You are not losing your mind. Just take a breath and let’s talk.” 

It will not stop. The voice keeps plaguing me. I reach for the lamp but cannot move my arm. “It would be better if you didn’t see me. My looks really are the stuff of nightmares so probably best if we just talked in the dark.” 

I am finally able to get my wits about me enough to find my voice, even though my heart is racing and I’m very scared. “Who’s there?” I ask the darkness, intensified by my blackout blinds and removal of any source of light which was done in an effort to induce slumber. 

“Would you believe me if I told it was Satan?” 

An uncomfortable chortle accidentally escapes my mouth. Of course my mind was racing and I was considering the possibility of such a thing but I’d convinced myself, over the years, that he was only the stuff of legend and now as a grown adult I was having a very hard time thinking this interaction was anything but a friend’s complicated prank or my own mind losing its grasp on reality.  

“It is neither of those things Rick. It is really me and I am here to help you if you will let me.” 

How did he know what I was thinking? “Because that is an inherent gift or power that I have. Fair or not, I can do it. I know your thoughts as you think them. Pretty awesome huh?” 

My mind is racing as my fear and anxiety peak. Jesus Christ, what do I do? 

“Now why did you have to go and bring him up Rick? You know he’s not my favorite person and frankly I get tired of the little power-hungry snit always trying to get attention. It would be best if we left him out this discussion.” 

I had now confirmed that whatever, or whoever, was in my room could read my mind, and they didn’t like Jesus. I had to be careful of what or who I was thinking about. 

“Don’t try too hard to push things out of your mind Rick. You know by now when you try not to think about something it magically appears in that brain of yours and will not leave. You are safe with me I have no intention of harming you no matter what memories frighten you.”  

I hoped above all that he was truthful and meant no harm. Even though lack of sleep was crushing and difficult to deal with, I liked my life and the world I lived in.  

“I have been thinking a lot about you Rick and have been feeling bad about your sleep situation. I realize that I had a bit to do with that, and I am here to see if I can help you with it.” 

Confused and angered I lashed out. “If you are Satan why all the chit chat? Shouldn’t you be possessing me?” My sarcasm was palpable.

He now took his turn in being a bit short. “Look Rick, I did that one time to one person and suddenly it becomes my entire MO? I tried on a body once and realized its horrific limitations, pain, hunger, emotions, inability to read minds and teleport myself anywhere in the universe. Frankly, it sucked, but I make one little mistake and now every shaman, preacher, priest, or spiritualist thinks I am out there doing this on the daily. Once was enough and I will never do it again. Unfortunately, that lone act now lives forever in legend, and in countless people’s fears. I wouldn’t enter your body even if one of the God’s paid me.” 

“So why are you here really?” My curiosity was piqued.

“You fell victim to countless tales of who I was and what my intentions were and unfortunately now you suffer for it. I thought a little visit could help clear things up and maybe you could find relief from your sleep problems.”

“Forgive me if I don’t trust you.” Despite years of stories, lessons, movies, and scary tactics, I was now feeling somewhat comfortable having this discussion with the supposed ruler of Hell. “I know the evil you have perpetrated on man and how you’ve sought destruction on earth. I do not understand why you’d want to help me or anyone for that matter.”  

“Okay Rick, this may be hard to believe but I really have never taken an active part in the woes of humankind. I am here on the earth as more of an observer. The Gods put this place together and soon realized that they really didn’t need me to lift a finger, there was plenty of badness in the hearts of men and women that they would do an outstanding job in reigning down misery and torment on each other without my intervention. The Gods are all off in other parts of the universe doing what they do, and I am left here to watch what people do to each other, often in the erroneous name of God, and frankly it's sickening. I fulfill my role as the scapegoat, but my conscience is clear at the end of the day.” 

I was taken back, to say the least, and my head was spinning with this short interaction. “Ask me your questions Rick but make it short. I cannot be with you for long.”

“So, your have a conscience and there is a God?” 

“Oddly enough yes, and yes, but they aren’t like you would ever envision.” 

“And they are not watching over the earth.” 

“Oh, absolutely not,” Satan chuckled. “Earth was formed over billions of years with the intention to see if a highly evolved species with big brains could populate a place successfully. I would say the experiment has been somewhat successful, but you all are turning out to be your own worst nightmare. The Gods do not intervene, and they do not sit around and watch you all destroy yourselves. That is just not their thing.” 

“And you Satan, you don’t try and steal the souls of men or influence them for evil or drag them down to hell?” 

“Absolutely not Rick. There is no hell after this life, but plenty of it in the miserable existence men and women create for themselves and others. There are sufficient resources that suffering could be eradicated. If people would use their brains for good, health and happiness could prevail. But alas, shame, guilt, fear, greed, anger, and pain they all get the best of humanity, and the worst is left to try and figure it out and then look for reasons or entities to blame the failure on. That would be me in many of the situations.” 

I could not believe how much sense he was making, and it scared me a little. 

“I know these ideas go against convention Rick, and you are likely fighting against the many messages you received growing up that I was the father of all lies, but if you think about it what I’m saying makes sense.”

He was right and I could not refute it and now the big question. 

“So why are you here tonight talking to me?”  

There was a pause and then a revelation. “I have been watching you for years to see what the effect would be if this no sleep habit continued. It has gone on long enough. I decided to visit and convince you of the foundation of your problem and help you on your way to better slumber. I hope what you have learned tonight will begin to make things better.” 

“Well, Satan, thanks for visiting and thinking of me. It is true my sleep has been horrible for years, but it means a lot that someone of your stature would visit and try and to help.” 

“My pleasure Rick. So long.” With that the room filled with silence.

After waiting a few minutes, I finally found my strength and turned on the light. I was utterly alone, however there was some evidence that the throw pillows on the armchair next to the window had been disturbed with one of them now being on the floor. It had not been that way when I had gone to bed. 

I certainly did not sleep the rest of the night and spent that time, and the day following, rethinking many of the lifelong lessons I had been taught regarding God and Satan and so many other things. After twenty-two hours of mental gymnastics and emotional roller coaster riding, I was exhausted. I had been visited by Satan, schooled in existential principles, and even had encouragement to lay aside the past and let slumber come. I was excited as I brushed my teeth and washed my face, closed the black out blinds, and placed myself into the sheets on my bed that were ready to receive my exhausted body and mind.

I closed my eyes to the darkness, began my meditations and slowed my breathing. All is dark and silent, and I am ready to be transported to dreamland.  

I can’t sleep.