Little Did I Know

I have felt since so many days like I never felt before. Everything was crushing me down… kids around, sounds like monsters. It is my first job obviously, but I couldn't be so wrong in pursuing my career, understanding my passion. And after my first baby miscarriage, I was so sure about what I want around are kids, joy, cuteness blossoms everything even an empty heart. 

But somehow here I am pleading for not press the charges to the parents of one cute 6 years boy, The School peon Vinayak astonished and nervous to say that I pushed the kid vigorously. He said that the child was playing as usual running around, chirping poem twinkle twinkle little star amicably and suddenly somehow I screamed no nursery poem, and I just pushed him. 

 Is that what I did? Seriously, like am I capable of doing something like that and not knowing at all about it ! Because last thing I remember is i was with the kid crying like a kid when he fell down

Yesterday my maid said that I fold my dresses and then I ruffled the whole wardrobe. She was looking at me like I belong to some serial killer kind of character. I never made anyone looks so horrified with uncertainty before and my eyeballs pop out more and she just rushed out my room.

I am unable to make things clear lately. And just now my husband Sarthy is sitting in Principal's Office fidgeting with his rectangular shape spectacles. His eyes are twitched and hands go off and open, legs are continually to and fro, making me more anxious he is giving me a look after every question he being asked by our Principal Mr D'Souza

Finally Mr. D'Souza gave Sarthy a look and my sweetest husband again gave me a look then he tries to defend me and said " it is the first time, trust me Di'Souza Sir, there is some misunderstanding even the child is ok after all. She is more sorry, even more than a hundred times."

Mr. D'Souza cut off Sarthy mid sentence 

Mr Sarthy we got lot many complaints, about your wife like talking on cell phone during student's examinations, being too friendly with our PE teacher she is a teacher not a college student! Sorry but No Sorry! 

I think, she must take some rest and definitely change the field.

Done. It's done, but after all I have my Sarthy is with me. My Dad rejected him in first visit even in the second and still now. He said Sarthy is full of patriarchy, he is dominating, he is a bad man in total you know! For a father, I think it must be always a struggle to look up to her daughters change for someone else

We prattled a lot many times Dad in an attempt to make me believe that Sarthy is not my man he is just the wrong one and me noising all over the conversation that I know… Besides my Dad, he is the one who wants to control me all the time.

 I remember when I was in my sweet sixteen it is a Birthday Invite from a boy, who get crush on me and it is like my dream come true when he pace further toward me. But my father knew all things from other telltale parents, my class was changed, my school changed during midterms. Phone'd got locked and obviously I got no phone then.

 My Dad, literally snapped me with character certificate I mean, who does that… I think a man whose wife did suicide right after their first child birth.

Yes, my father is a widower and yes, I've never seen my mother. People say that I get her bad pieces from me, she is bad mother even after passing away and even before she could feel some parts of her motherhood, because people says she deserved the defame and she did all damage she could do, no matter she took her life afterwards

I think now, if people are right, as my father never say a word about my mother except the illustration of her long hair and peacock eyes, her long artistic fingers posing with guitar, her crazy, stylish pace to and fro on stage, her unfathomable love for butterfly sanctuaries.

You know! All these things I have seen, a myriad of times in photo album and video clips, I can sum up now, why my dad didn't tell me more about my mom like how she was after she quit on Guitar and Music shows, like how she reacted when her parents abandoned her because she choose my Dad in between of ambitions, parents and love 

And now I know why my father went blank when I ask him how they celebrated when they got to know about my arrival in their world… probably my father has so much to tell but everything is as bad as it ended

We left Mr D'Souza's office and Sarthy get me for dinner out. Thank God Fresh air and no rubbish hammering of my mother in law. She dislikes me more than my Dad dislikes Sarthy. It is like a competition of disliking daughter in law and son in law

My phone rang. It's Dad, oh God, why on the earth Sarthy never forget to tell anything about me on, to Dad, why on the earth he has grown to try harder to be in Dad's good book. And you know what? For two months I could see the miracle happening, my father developed something near to good for Sarthy

And I am sliding consistently near to becoming a burden, to my Dad, to my friends, to my in laws. You won't believe some of my friends never get back to me from the last two months. When I call either they are busy or don't pick up in first place 

Some people might get everything good money, good birth place, good kids, everything except some bit of pieces, but they don't get the luck. Like, this is some kind of joke? 

When I was contemplating all long journey from my childhood to my college love and to my B. Ed to my school job. I forget that for some days I was unable to cook dinner, since our cook Smitaben is busy with her daughter's delivery. And as usual, my mother in law gets headache when work spikes up, always without fail during 2 years of my marriage. My mother in law will get the same headache problem in right time.

But I was fine with it. I never have seen my Mom, I believed what if my Mom would have avoided works. Just because she wanted some retirement. So I never complained and still my mother in law is funny to me, but my main problem is Seema, she is in Sarthy's office, she even recently shifted here in our residential society and now since 3 days she is cooking our dinner and Sarthy is helping that poor beautiful soul in boxers, kind empathetic lady.

 I can smell something spice up, you know! While I saw Seema getting into our bedroom with a food plate for me. How Sarthy let her in our bedroom? So what I feel sick? Oh God, I hardly eat two spoon of Kashmiri Pulao and I am getting dizzy. More blurred, more to the blankness and darkness

Monday 2008 Jun 13

It is a beautiful day, I don't know what time it is. it is raining in Ahmedabad, the first rain of the season, the sky is so pink like clouds are blushing through Romans. I am still not have any physical strength to go in our terrace garden. It is my favorite place. I have sunflower, Poi climbers, Lily, Roses so many flowers and green tea too.

Since 1 and half year I used to make morning tea with green tea leaves, ginger, basils, elachi, Fudina oh God every spices and Sarthy always love that smell. Feeling Chai, chai chai is his favorite dialogue. Today could be a new day, since I  saw a note telling Mom and Dad is out for social gatherings and I am in my study. I could see the studio lights on 

 Somehow I managed myself decided to make tea for Sarthy i decided i will have new start. My best friend Nita suggested me a psychiatrist and a Yoga 

Instructior even i met one manifestation counsellor too. Everything looks like a beautiful fresh start in my mind and so i can feel it outside.i truged my way towards staircase and next moment i was in hospital.

I don't remember anything somehow. I don't understand when I controlled myself so well, when I was feeling I must fight why my body quit on fighting… what's happening !

And then I said something unusual, unpredictable. I said Police. And then I said pushed, my husband and Seema, is that what I am saying! I doubt if anyone in the world would have these flood of emotions and logic, mixed up together where a person felt like they themselves are different minds in one body. 

I felt I was in a trance, in some blurred world and I am attempting to put myself out in the real world. I had oxygen mask, some tubes in and out, some machine buzzing more than its real voice in my head Sometimes a little is too much I am experiencing that right now.. everything is too much to speak a little, to see a little, to accept a little everything is too much

Misha, Misha dear, could you hear me  

And there I was. I told everything clearly what I went through and I saw my Gentleman Dad sobbing into his hands. 

Sarthy was a manipulating narcissistic when he found someone more probable and adjusting he knew very well how to make a peace with me. He started giving me colorless and odorless tranquilizers in my morning tea, and what I understood is he is doing his sweetest gesture of loving me back. 

He sent some weird messages to my old friends, leaking some old time secrets to others and all the other damage he could manage to do which was reasoned why no one in last around three months getting back to me. 

Finally he thought he could prove me as psycho as my Mom as easy since already the society, people gossip about how I look like my Mom and so how frightened they all by apprehending the same psychological disorder in me 

The peon at school? Been corrupted to lie.

 Poor chap, little he knew that my husband manipulated him that my working there is a risk to not only kids but even the image of the school. The wardrobe i used to manage while working would be ruffled by my husband and then Smita the domestic helper would think all phychoic of me in her head preserved by the gossip of our society's women

Sarthy thought he could divorce me easily if he prove that I am incapable of living a normal life. And it would safe to his image as a gentleman and to the contrary, he could earn a good sum of amount from. My father in the further settlement like for not spreading more of me, divorcing without any fuss and defame. 

But all went wrong because of my love for him, because of the strength I gather to make tea for a person who was slowly poisoning me, who never indeed loved me actually  

My father said weeping deep : Misha Our society sets some rules by which they decide what kind of people must devalue and deserved tortured by overwhelming social aloofness and I think I would never fall in love with him in the first place if boys around me knowing my history would leave looking at me like I am a capable of becoming phycho. 

My Dad then brings the truth first time in all life which he was avoided he babbled and sob and sniffed. And what I come to know is this. My mom wouldn't even take her own life if my Dad would have believed her. She emphasized several times about a domestic abuse done by my father's parents. 

 My Dad, he never believed instead he blamed Mom an immature and non sensible womanly nature. She said several times she felt she can't meet anyone's eyes that her laws are constantly bad mouthing her and that she felt she has been trapped

But not my mom's parents understood my Mom's sufferings, nor my father and it all ended in blue. And then to protect the family image my Dad and his family lied, everyone that my mother was already having suicidal tendency that my mother hide it from everyone that she is a pathological liar and she is suffering from schizophrenia. 

I could see what my father did he not at all wanted to lose my mother, but what he did to her death is more contemptible than what he did to her life. She is known as someone she never been.defamed even after her death 

I pondered afterwards Even Sarthy wouldn't have a slow poisoning me if he wouldn't have afraid what people would say if he divorce me without reason in the first place.

 And he would not have become a shameless narcissistic who never compliment me in front of others after marriage, who everytime realised me I know nothing from spreading a bedsheet or caring an elders though no matter how far I would go to did it in as right manner to be credited, appreciated and accepted but all in vain he would not have done all these things if his parents would have teach him the difference between ruling out people and ruling out people's heart

1st July

The sky is dark, leaden clouds are flying more and more in sight, the air could be felt as damp as the impending rain.the smell of earth run in my blood, cuckoo on Ambla tree was getting more and more in the bushes

 i could see black and blue all around and then rain fell clearing out all for me, a gust of wind, some lightening, strong chilly cold and a storm but all for the good to clear and to flourish there i could see now far off on horizon a bird flying boldly, with soul of a brave heart knowing that the darkness is enlightening and dazling dawn of destiny is about set on its side, by its side