The Grateful Dave

Day 1

To be perfectly clear, this is not my idea. A gratitude journal, really? Of all the stupid work raffles, the prize I genuinely need is linked to writing about how grateful I am. About what? My mildewy apartment I can barely afford? The vet bills piling up to try and save my cat? My car that seems to live more at the mechanics rather than my covered parking spot that resembles an easy-up after a particularly windy day? How about the unrequited love I have for my coworker? Oh I know, my crappy job? The one that knows it doesn’t pay enough for living essentials so it offers basic necessities up as raffle items and then tries to call it “workplace bonding.” This month it's an off-brand countertop dishwasher. Mine’s been broken for years and my sleazy landlord refuses to fix it. 

The only thing I’m grateful for right now is that no one gets to read my gratefulness journal. As long as it meets the word count, I get an entry. Wait, I have an idea. A koala has two sets of genitals. Dogs can understand English. Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backward. That’s all the random animal facts I can think of right now to fill that word count. More tomorrow, I guess. 

Day 2

I think I’ve found something to be genuinely grateful for! It’s Tuesday. Taco Tuesday. Mike loves tacos, especially tacos piled high with refried beans. Refried beans do not love Mike. Mike is the sweetest person I’ve ever met; he volunteers on the weekend and decorates everyone’s desks for their birthdays. He’s even my cat's godfather. I’m serious. It’s in my will and everything. Because he’s so sweet, no one has the heart to tell him about his radioactive farts. I honestly couldn’t tell you how he doesn’t smell them. I think it's because the smell has physically melted his olfactory nerve, fifteen points of necrotic damage straight to the schnoz. 

Today, I am grateful for the clouds. For the first time all summer, Mike was able to eat his tacos outside, letting the entire office work without gagging.

Chimps are cannibals. Wombats poop squares. Rats can be trained to detect bombs. 

Day 3

Day 4 

My cat died yesterday, so there’s nothing I’m grateful for. 

That’s not really true if I’m honest. I’m grateful for the staff at the vet office, who hugged me and let me ugly cry into their shoulders after she was gone. I’m grateful it was peaceful. They let us go at our pace, making sure she was comfortable, wrapped up in blankets with music on in the background. They even let me kiss her and feed her a tube of that smelly liquid stuff she likes. Liked. 

I always thought euthanasia was horrible or maybe that it would look like a normal death. I had a hamster die when I was young. It took almost half a day for it to pass and it looked painful. I didn’t even know hamsters could cry out. They can. Euthanasia was simple. They gave her an injection and she drifted to sleep. I’m grateful I didn’t have to see her in pain. I hope to die like she did when it's my time.  

I’m back at work today and I’ve managed to keep it together…for the most part at least. I didn’t cry when Mike used his lunch break to run over to the grocery store and get me a bouquet of flowers and a card. I can’t say the same when Calvin, the unrequited love I mentioned before, hugged me. I told Angela about my cat and she told Mike who told Calvin. Just to be clear I didn’t tell him myself to gain sympathy or anything. I hadn’t cried all day and then Calvin walked to me with a frown on those pouty lips and hugged me, whispering how sorry he was to hear about Lucy Napkin. Lucy Napkin was my cat's name. Allow me to explain that one real quick. When I found her as a kitten, she was a little white cat with smears of brown on her head. I joked she looked like a dirty napkin so her name was originally Napkin, but then I saw her seven toes on each paw. I know that just means she was inbred but I was watching a show about nuclear fallout and the main character's name was Lucy; thus Lucy Napkin. 

I talked to the manager, Susanne, and she said that I can skip the journal entry from yesterday so long as my journal in total reaches the word count, so more fun animal facts! Halibut, the fish, are born with their eyes on either side of their heads and then they move until they are on just one side. The platypus is the only mammal to lay eggs. Most koalas have chlamydia. 

Day 5

So my landlord fixed my dishwasher yesterday when I was at work. Don’t ask me how it all happened. I stopped begging him to fix it forever ago and then suddenly there was a note on my door saying he fixed it. 

I guess I don’t really need to do this anymore, at least, not for myself. I got to talking to Mike and he told me he was hoping to win the raffle so he could have the extra small dishwasher to wash the baby bottles for the new litter of motherless kittens he’s fostering so he doesn’t have to run the whole big machine and waste a bunch of water. I swear, that man is a saint. I know what you’re thinking and yes he said I can adopt one of the kittens when I’m ready, however long that takes.

I’m going to reach the word count, enter the raffle, and give it to him if I win. Fingers crossed.

I wasn’t expecting to get anything out of this if I’m honest, but I feel a little lighter, a little more optimistic, so thanks Susanne for bribing me to do this. 

The most expensive coffee in the world is made from beans that elephants eat and poop out.