Contentious Condiments

“NO!”

“YES!”

“I said NO!”

“I don’t care!”

The argument had been going on for at least five minutes now and there was no sign of it stopping. I was sitting at a booth in the middle of the McDonald’s watching these two relatively good-looking guys argue over the tray between them. It all started over whether or not they were going to put ketchup on the fries or make a pile on the side, and it had escalated to an all-out yelling match. They were sitting at a booth opposite me, but both were literally on the edge of their seats holding on to the tray between them.

“The ketchup goes on the fries!”

“The ketchup goes beside the fries for equal distribution!”

“Seriously Matthias, you need your head examined!”

“You just need to get your own fries!”

“I bought these, and I always buy our food because you never have cash, Jonathan!” Matthias cocked his head to one side and glared at Jonathan. It was clear that Jonathan was struggling for a comeback to logic he obviously couldn’t deny.

“You guys are going to have to stop yelling or leave,” the girl in the McDonald’s uniform said as she smiled at them menacingly. She looked like she wanted to throw them out, but they slowly eased back into their sides of the booth while still staring at each other.

I sat with my Coke straw poised at my lips trying to inconspicuously watch this condiment battle. I, personally, sided with Jonathan. I liked dipping my fries, but I was not a fan of ketchup. The BBQ sauce at McDonald’s was the perfect topping for their salty potatoes and the Coke I was drinking washed all of that salt down with refreshing amounts of bubbly, sugary water. This was my one guilty pleasure: an order of large fries and a medium Coke. I used to sit in my car and enjoy these, but with COVID finally releasing its firm hold on us, I ventured out into the world to be a part of fast-food society again. This was my first visit back to normalcy. I closed my copy of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children and continued to listen.

“The fries are going to get cold, man!” Matthias said and pulled the tray toward him.

“At least they will taste good,” Jonathan snapped.

“No. They will taste like Wendy’s fries,” Matthias said, “Cold and waxy. They’ll leave that disgusting film on our teeth because they aren’t hot.”

“What about Arby’s curly fries?” Jonathan pondered trying to distract Matthias.

“Gross,” Matthias retorted, “Those have the worst aftertaste and give me the worst breath.”

I nodded to myself. Matthias was correct. Arby’s fries were usually so greasy too that chewing them was optional.

“Steak ‘N Shake,” Matthias offered, “has those shoestring fries that have potential.”

“Yes,” Jonathan added, “However you need two orders to get enough.”

“No doubt,” Matthias said.

“All fries are better than Burger King fries though,” Jonathan said.

For the moment, the argument subsided. They had found peace and agreement with disliking other franchises’ French fries. Both nodded and then the conversation started again.

“Chick-Fil-A fries are the best though,” Matthias said as he opened a ketchup packet and started to squirt the contents onto the half-exposed pile of French fries. 

“Agreed, and the Chick-Fil-A sauce could make dirt taste good,” Jonathan added opening his own packet of ketchup and starting a small pile. He dumped the French fries from the box so that half could be covered with ketchup and his half could be dipped in his ketchup. 

“We should head there after the track meet on Saturday,” Matthias said.

“Definitely,” Jonathan said, “I’ll ask my mom for some cash to pay you back too.”

“It’s cool, man. I was just kidding.” Matthias bumped fists with Jonathan and they both intently started eating their fries their own ways.

This was terrible. They were getting along now, and the argument had no conclusion. There was no clear winner. I looked down at my tray of fries and realized that my BBQ sauce had dripped all over the fries I was eating. I had been dipping fries already covered in sauce in even more sauce. This all had to stop. I stood up and walked over to the two guys who looked quite surprised as I approached.

“BBQ sauce,” I said without hesitation.

“Excuse me,” Matthias asked as he made a side glance to Jonathan.

“Ketchup is good, but McDonald’s BBQ sauce on fries will change your world. It’s like discovering ranch dressing can go on pretzels or breadsticks. It will literally change your existence,” I said unapologetically. I handed over my last unopened container of BBQ sauce and walked back to my booth. As I sat back down, I felt as if my intrusion was inexcusable and that I possibly just made the worst decision of my life to intervene in an argument at a fast-food restaurant. I could feel the heat in my cheeks swelling and I started to raise my book to pretend I was reading.

Just as I was about to put a fry into my mouth, I looked up to see Jonathan and Matthias standing at my booth.

“Can we join you?” Matthias asked with a smile.

“We had no idea that BBQ sauce could be so life changing,” Jonathan offered with an equally charming smile.

I put down my book and dropped my fry quickly. Then I slid over so they could both comfortably fit into the booth.

“It’s good, right?” I said as I picked up a fry from my sauce covered pile.

“Ridiculously,” Matthias said and laughed.

“I have been eating fries like this since I was a kid,” I said and grabbed a plain fry and dunked it all the way down into my own BBQ sauce, “My aunt Colleen got me started on this.”

“Have you tried any of the other sauces here?” Matthias asked suddenly.

“They have other sauces?” I asked suddenly aware that I had never even considered expanding my palate beyond what I knew.

“I think we are going to need more fries,’ Jonathan said and laughed.

“Absolutely,” I agreed, “I’m Marianna and I would be happy to buy the next round.”

Matthias stood and let me out of our side of the booth. I am pretty sure he winked at me as I passed to head to the counter. He was very cute and the thought of sharing fries with him made my cheeks flame a little more. I bought two more large orders of fries and asked for every sauce and condiment they had, including mayonnaise. I laughed as I carried the tray back to the table. I was extremely excited to see if BBQ sauce would remain the champion of condiments or if there was an underdog that might rock our world indefinitely.