They're Always Watching

What’s the stupidest super power you can think of? 

Go ahead, take a stab at it. 

No really, I insist.

What was that? 

The ability to talk to rocks? Ha!

Yea go ahead and tell a geologist or an anthropologist that you can talk to rocks.That stuff would like, turn them on. You’d spend your whole life trying to stop nerds still crashing on their mother’s couch from shoving dirty rocks in your face, begging you on their knees to bless them with its wisdom.

Huh? 

The ability to control the minds of squirrels? But only on Tuesdays?

Shit man. Have you ever met a squirrel? They can be scary motherfuckers. I once saw my aunt’s German Shepherd run away from a squirrel with its tail tucked between its legs after it tried to challenge it for a nut it found. Tuesdays would become doomsdays! Schools would shut their doors, stores would shutter their windows, people would desperately construct shrines of almonds and walnuts held together by peanut butter to appease your rodent army ! 

Hm? The ability to see the future but it only works for stop lights? Wow!  Look who’s early to the meeting! You obviously really prioritize work, here’s a promotion.

The ability to make anyone’s cousin fall in love with you? Welcome to the family! 

The ability to control dust? Watch out for Hurricane Allergy, coming soon to destroy the homes of your enemies AND make them sneeze. 

Stop. Just stop. I will tell you the stupidest superpower of all time. 

The ability to turn everything - and I mean everything -   that your bare skin  touches into… googly eyes.

Ok, ok, now sure, at first you may think hey, this is funny. When people turn away you're sticking googly eyes on everything. Suddenly you're the life of the party as you affix googly eyes onto your friends toilet, your roommates glasses, your grandma’s dog’s butt. I mean c’mon on!  It’s objectively hilarious to see a 12 year old poodle wag its tail between two shaking eyeballs glued to each cheek.

You may think it's all fun and games. Shits and giggles. But look. There's a dark side you won’t be prepared for.

Like listen to this. You're jolted awake at 2 in the morning because your sock came off in your sleep and your bed turns into a pile of googly eyes. Or you pick up takeout after a shit day, desperate to burn the roof of your mouth with the molten cheese from your favorite pizza joint. But oh wait. You're so excited to stuff your face that you forget to put on your gloves and instead of cheesy goodness …your mouth is filled with googly eyes.

You go home with a hot babe. After some very well protected sex, (‘why do you have so much clothes on’ she asks with confusion) she foolishly touches your cheek. She was nothing special; you weren't going to marry her or anything;  but that didn't mean that she deserved to turn into a pile of googly eyes!

Soon the sight of googly eyes is making you go insane. But they're everywhere. And they won't stop looking at you. You do everything you can to get rid of them. You start stuffing them into the back of your closet. You silently fill the dumpster behind apartment buildings in the dead of night. You try to melt them down with a blowtorch. That one doesn't work for a lot of reasons the biggest one being that butane is fucking expensive. You try donating some. But there's only so many googly eyes you can donate to classrooms and craft stores without people starting to ask questions. 

So what do you do with them? You run out of ideas short of dumping them into the river . But you already feel bad enough with how much fucking plastic you're accidentally putting into the world. So they just take over. They're everywhere, in every corner of your house and your mind and your soul; it's all just googly eyes and more and more of them they're going to consume you you're going to drown in them, you will lose yourself and become googly eyes and they're just going to sit there and watch and and….

What? Why do I know so much about what would happen if everything you touched turned into googly eyes? Uhh that's a great question.  And the answer is uhh…jeopardy. Yea! That works. It was the final question on jeopardy last night. ‘ What would happen if you suddenly had a very stupid superpower that made anything you touch turn into goddamn googly eyes?!” Huh? Yea, they swore and everything. Jeopardy’s going a little downhill if you ask me. 

What? No! Of course it’s not me. Of course I can’t turn anything and everything into googly eyes. I’m quite insulted  that you would ask that. How would one even go about gaining that super power?

….No really. How would one go about obtaining that super power? Any ideas? Because I’m stumped. As far as I can tell the only way would be randomly, in the middle of the night, without any explanation or provocation. It seems pretty cruel to me, actually. Like what would a person have to do to deserve that?

What? No, I'm not crying! Maybe you’re crying!  I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense! There’s a lot of things that happen in this world that don't make sense! Like why would a perfectly nice guy get cursed with a so-called ability to turn everything they touch into googly eyes?  And why googly eyes? And how long will it last? Forever? When I’m eighty years old will I still be turning  things into googly eyes? When I’m old and demented will I be handed my grand-daughter and forget? When I die and they dress me for my funeral will I accidentally turn the undertaker into a bunch of craft supplies? How do I escape this atrocious fate?!?

…Oh no, I’ve scared you. I don’t blame you. I would be scared in your position too. I’m sorry. It could be worse I guess. Everything I touch could turn into rats, or sewage or door to door salesmen. Ug, that would suck. I guess all things considered, googly eyes isn’t that bad. At least they’re small. Funny. Don’t really hurt anyone. Maybe I could find a way to do something good with them? Like make them into a building material? Like make houses out of googly eyes or something? It would be creepy as hell but hey it would be free! Could I find a way to make them into a source of energy? Talk about renewable!  Goodbye gasoline, the future is powered by googly eyes !

You know what? I’m feeling a little bit better. I’m glad I ran into you. It’s been nice to have someone to talk about this with. What did you say your name was? Oh cool, nice to meet you. I’ll make sure to mention you in my autobiography. The hero who lent an ear and changed my perspective. The person who started me on my path towards greatness. Or something like that, I don’t fucking know. But thanks, man. 

I don’t know what else to say, so here, take some of these. Stick them on some funny shit in my honor. Be careful though. Once you stick 'em on something, they’re always watching you.

Peace Out.