Dear Diary-A Tribute to my Mother

Way out in the cosmos…

“Pick me, God! There’s a beautiful lady on earth who wants me.” And so, He did!

“Well, here I go! The first human heartbeat I will hear. The beat of mommy!” She was so happy I arrived. She and daddy had already bought a puppy because mommy didn’t think she could get pregnant. So, I wanted to bring her sunshine! I guess I did, because she fed me everything yummy! Oh, did I love the steak and lobster!

That special day came when I would get to see mommy on a cold, snowy day in Dayton, Ohio, January 31, 1966. Grandma Sana, mommy’s mom, heard the news and drove as fast as she could to the hospital from Cincinnati, Ohio. The family was so happy to see me! Daddy had to park the car and could barely find a parking spot, but he managed to make it to my big entrance! The whole family said I was smiling when I was born, so they gave me the nickname, “Shayna punim,” which in Yiddish means, “pretty face.” It is two words, but when I grew older and could write, I spelled it as one word and wrote, “Shinepunim.”

Life was so beautiful! Grandma Sana used to take care of me while mommy worked. She and I really formed a tight bond with each other. She sang to me, took me to the community pool, showed me off to everyone and simply loved me unconditionally. We played “Doctor” all the time. Little did I know that Grandma was really very sick. One early evening, while Grandma and I were playing, she told me to play the role of the “Doctor” and she would be the “patient.” I remember it well. I had my plastic doctor kit and used the stethoscope to listen to grandma’s heartbeat, the band-aid on her arm and the thermometer to take her temperature. Everything seemed fine. Then, all of a sudden, she started to throw up red blood. I knew it wasn’t good. She told me to get grandpa. Grandpa came in with a bucket and called the ambulance. Her right hand held my tiny left hand. She said with her last breaths, “Always take care of people.” I knew at the tender age of 2 ½ that she had taken her last breath. Mommy came soon after. She told me years later that when she walked in the room, the sun was shining on grandma’s face and she was at peace. The ambulance came and the paramedics put grandma on the stretcher, then mommy and I watched from the thick, brown door as the ambulance drove away. “Where are they taking her, mommy?” I asked. She replied, “To heaven.” I imagined the ambulance driving on the spiral road going up to the sky as I cried while I held mommy’s right hand.

Mommy always wanted the best for me. She enrolled me in ballet, jazz, and modern dance classes with Miss Betty when I was 5 years old. There were three girls in the class, including me. We loved to dance! Miss Betty would beat on her drum for the jazz and modern dance classes and tell us to “Run, run, run! Feel the beat! Bend your knees! Feel free!” We had so much fun! Then, two of us decided to get involved in the local theatre productions. The theatre and the dance classes were a lot of work, but so much fun! Mommy was so smart to encourage these extracurriculars for me. They were a great distraction so I didn’t stay sad because of losing grandma.

Mommy and I used to take long walks in the woods behind my elementary school. That was a beautiful, peaceful place. We picked lots of yellow, black-eyed Susan flowers and blackberries too. I was so inspired that I wrote my first poem and dedicated it to mommy.

I titled it, “My Treasure.” I wrote it out in pink ink and gave it to mommy. Mommy loved it so much that she bought me my first diary so I could write more. I was eight years old.

Dear Diary,

Mommy is working two jobs now. Sana, my little sister and I, miss her so much. We are putting on a short, silly skit for her when she gets home. I will play a tall clown with curly, short hair, big pillows stuffed in my shirt and in my pants. I will wear very bright, red lipstick and Sana will play a short clown with over-sized shirt and pants. We are just going to act silly to help mommy smile. Thank you, for mommy.

Love, Robin

Eight years old

Dear Diary,

Mommy loved the skit! She wants us to do more of them! My sister and I love to dance and sing around the family room. Daddy recorded us today with his large, over-the-shoulder camera. We had a blast!

Love, Robin

Eight years old

Dear Diary,

I’ve been writing, dancing, singing and having fun! I wrote momme’ a poem today. It is called, “So Plain to See.” Here it is.

She’s beautiful, creative and super…

She’s everything anyone could want.

She’s the type of person who is wonderful in every way.

She’s great to me,

This is my mother, so plain to see.

Like a child eating sweet cotton candy,

She’s got it all,

And I love her quite dearly.

This is my mother, so plain to see.

She’s my best friend,

She’s absolutely super,

This is my mother, so very plain to see!

Thank you, mom, for being my biggest cheerleader, as well as my best friend.

Love, Robin

Twelve years old

Dear Diary,

Today I presented a speech for a speech contest. I placed as second runner-up. I was very sad because I had practiced this speech over and over and over. You kept saying during practice, “You can do it. Try one more time!” I had this speech down-packed. I knew it like the back of my hand. I drew a blank, though, while I was presenting, and I looked into the audience to see your beautiful smile. I knew you were rooting for me. That made me feel like a winner. I gathered my composure and picked up from where I had gone blank to finish the rest of the speech. You stood up and gave me a standing ovation...anyway! Thank you.

Love, Robin

Twelve years old

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while since I have turned to you. I have been busy with cheer leading in high school, my dance classes, high school theatre shows, Spanish Club, guys and synchronized swimming. Tonight was my senior year Homecoming. You worked, then rushed over to be there for me. You were so proud to walk next to me and escort me on the football field.

Thank you, for being you.

Love, Robin

Eighteen years old

Dear Diary,

I have the best news to share with you! I was cast in a play as the second lead in “Summer Brave,” at Slippery Rock State University in Pennsylvania. I had told mom and dad and they were elated for me. Well, little did I know, but they planned a surprise visit for me! It was so cool to open the knock on my dorm-room door and see my mom, dad and sister standing there in the door-way! I about flipped! They drove six hours to see me perform! Wow! We all had so much fun! Mom brought me a great care-package, cake and cards. The next day we all traveled about twenty-five miles to eat at The Black Kettle Restaurant. The food was soooo good! Thanks, for cheering me on!

With lots of love, Robin

Eighteen years old

Dear Diary,

My boyfriend got drunk on the night of my twenty-second birthday. He got angry over something really stupid and smashed my nose with his fist. I bled everywhere. This was no drip, drip-nose bleed. My clothes were drenched in blood. When I came home and daddy saw me, he wanted to break my x-boyfriend’s legs! You, mom, just hugged me so tightly, while I sobbed in your arms. It was definitely the worst heart-break ever! You were so strong for me, even though I know this absolutely broke your heart. I wanted to give up. You said, “You can do it! Don’t give up!” So, I didn’t give up! I graduated from college, anyway and you said, “You done guud!” Thank you, momme’. I love you, oh so much.

Love you, Robin

Twenty-two years old

Dear Diary,

I’ve been traveling around the country as a fragrance model. I miss my mom. We talk on the phone, but I miss her hugs and smiles.

With sincere love, Robin

Twenty-six years old

Dear Diary,

I went to visit mom today. Her garden looked so beautiful! It had daffodils, lilacs and roses. The aromas were so fragrant. This special place inspired me to write “Mommy’s Garden.”

Help me to be open, give me courage to begin again…

It started underground, way, way, deep in the soil.

Thank you for the guidance and love to keep growing.

The smells of mommy’s garden…

I could smell all those flowers...if I could just get to the top of the soil to peak through.

Aww, I can see sunlight. Finally, I can feel the sun. It has been so long.

Thank you for the beauty you have created in my life.

Now I see all the vibrant colors and different varieties; roses, daffodils, lilacs and angels!

All little surprises from God’s Heaven.

One day after I had grown up the rains fell hard from the sky, but you didn’t give up.

You surprised me with a bouquet of bright, yellow daffodils that God bloomed Himself that special day.

With clasped hands we prayed together and shared smiles of joy and tears.

Thank you for being strong and understanding.

Through the rain and through the pain, God kept Mommy’s Flower Garden full of love, patience and the renewal of strength.

Thank you, Momme,’ for sharing your garden with me.

Love, Robin

Thirty-seven years old

Dear Diary,

I had to take mom to the heart doctor today. She has been experiencing rapid heart beats, dizziness and shortness of breath. The doctor put a heart monitor on her for twenty-four hours. This has got to be the hardest part. Today, no matter what, I celebrate you.

Thank you for the nice chat in the McDonald’s parking lot. My car faced the north and the warm, eastern sun shined through the driver’s window. There were three trees with white blooms to the right and one white tree with blooms to the left. I asked you if you were scared. You said “No. When it’s God’s time to take me home, it’ll be my time.” I replied, “If you need me to take you to the hospital, let me know.” You just reached out with your left hand, squeezed my right hand and said, “thank you.” We sat there a little while, in the peaceful sunlight, just holding hands. Thank you, mom, for everything.

With lots of love, Your Shinepunim

Fifty-four years old

Dear Diary,

Today I helped mom to clean her house. I sang songs to her and she surprised me with a couple of songs too! She told me she loves the song, “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” by Rodgers and Hammerstein for the musical, “Carousel.” She also told me this song was played at her high school graduation. This was so bitter-sweet for me. Today, and just for today, I celebrate you! Thank you, momme’ for encouraging me to see the “golden sky at the end of the storm.”

I love you so much! Your Shinepunim

Fifty-four years old