A Brotherly Starlight

“Are you there?” Alice wondered as she sat cross-legged on the grass. She did not notice her skirt being drenched by the wet grass, or the ice-cold breeze causing her legs to shiver. The whole of her attention was instead focused on spotting a specific star in the sky.

“There seem to be more stars in the sky than when we were last here, I thought you might be one of the new stars.” Her eyes darted between the millions of stars, looking for the brightest star in the sky, which she felt had to be her brother. Her head craned forward on her neck, as though that extra distance would make the star more visible.

“God, I wish I could bring you back. I can’t explain how much I need you right now. Mother is falling apart. Our father won’t even speak to me. He seems to think I haven’t been punished enough for what happened… Although, I guess I haven’t. How can a lifetime of punishment ever be enough, when my mistake cost you your life?”

Still looking up, she pulled the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands and wiped them across her eyes, which only caused mascara to smudge onto her hoodie, but did little to stop the tears as she felt them splash on her legs and the speed at which they fell started to increase.

She could hold it in no longer. She had come to accept that her brother could not be in the sky and instead watched the heavy downpour of tears drop down onto her legs and splashing off into different directions, each newly created droplet shining in the starlight until it reached the ground. She thought the droplets themselves looked like shooting stars as they fell, which only caused her more grief, and the sleeves of her hoodie were now pressed hard against her eyes, as though she could hold back the tears using the bottom of her palms

“Why was I not there for you? You know, at the start of that day, I hated that I had to bring you along. I was looking forward to a fun outing with my boyfriend, and when my parents said I had to bring my dorky brother along… God, I hated it. But now...” she paused to take a deep breath and flicked her face up towards the sky, to allow the air into her now sore throat.

“Now, all I want is to be with you. If I could bring you back, I would hold tight and never let go”. She suddenly had to hold a hand over her eyes to guard against a bright light protruding from the sky, its light focused on an item about 20 steps away from where she sat.

The item was small, too small to make out from this distance despite the ring of light which now surrounded it. Light bounced off parts of the item so that she still had to guard her eyes against the light as she approached it. As she drew nearer, her head tilted to the side. She saw a keyring with a photograph attached. She picked up the keyring, and after a single wipe to remove the dirt from the photograph, dropped to her knees, clutching the keyring tight to her chest. 

“Thank you, oh thank you”, she said as the star shone a lighter brighter for just a second, before blending back in with the other stars. She held the keyring out in front of her, allowing it to rest in her open palms. She smiled and exhaled a slight laugh, knowing that only her brother could have chosen this item to show that he still loved her.

“God, I’m going to miss you”, she said before placing a light kiss on the photograph and giving it a fuller wipe with her dress to remove any remaining dirt. The pain in her throat from her crying remained, but she now felt a new tightness in her cheeks as her smile now stretched across her face, the longer she stared at the photograph.

She heard the tyres of a truck crunch against the nearby gravel track as it came to a sudden stop. The driver’s door slammed shut, but the lights of the truck and the sound of the engine remained, as a middle-aged woman with brown curly hair came sprinting across the field while screaming a shrill and drawn-out “oh my god!”.

Alice, still on her knees, darted her head towards the scream to see her mother running towards her. Her mother, while not unfit, was not the sort of person you would expect to see running, but at this moment, Alice thought she had never seen anyone run so quick, especially not while running with their arms outstretched. Alice leapt to her feet and threw herself around her mother as the two squeezed each other tight and cried into the crook between the other’s neck and shoulder.

“I thought I’d lost you. I thought I’d lost another one”, her mother cried into Alice’s ear. They continued to cry without saying anything until it seemed that they had run out of tears, or even the strength to produce whatever tears were left, at which point they released each other from their grasps.

“I spoke to him, Mum. I spoke to Luke, he’s up there. I knew if he was anywhere, he would be up there, and I found him. Look, he helped me find this”. Her mother wrapped her arm around Alice’s and looked down at the keyring which laid flat on Alice’s palms.

“Oh, Alice”, she said, smiling as she placed her palm on the side of Alice’s face, wiping the top of her cheek gently with her thumb. They had a gentle hug and released exhales of relief as they let go of each other.

“So, which one is he? I bet he’s one of the brighter ones”, asked her mother.

“Of course, he would never have allowed himself to be one of the smaller ones. Could you imagine? He would kick off big time. He allows himself to blend in with the others a lot of the time, but he outshines all the other stars when he wants to be seen. Oh look, he is doing it now!”

Alice pointed up towards her brother’s star while placing her opened palm across the top of her eye line to shield her eyes, and her mother waved into the sky towards her son.

“We love you, honey! You take care of yourself up there, and keep a seat for us when we get there!”, her mother shouted into the sky, her hands open-cupped around her mouth to amplify her already booming voice. The star again flashed brighter to signal its acceptance before returning to blend in with the rest of the stars.

Alice felt her Mother’s arm around her lower back as they made their way towards the truck, and Alice allowed herself to lean slightly into her mother, pulling her a little tighter.

When they reached the truck, her mother turned to face her and, while lightly brushing Alice’s arm with her palm, said “It’s not your fault, you know? Even if you had been there, you wouldn’t have been able to stop it”. 

Alice nodded her head without saying anything and they got into the truck. Alice looked down at the photograph. It was the last photograph she and her brother had taken. It was taken while they rode down the steep hill of the water log slide at the theme park, and they had both decided to pull a funny face - cross-eyed with tongues out. It was the perfect photograph, she thought, to remember her dorky brother. She held the photograph close to her chest in one hand, as she gazed up and waved goodbye to her brother in the sky, and her brother flashed a goodbye as they drove away.