Fluffy Talk

"So Darling, take me back to the very beginning."

"This doesn't come easy, talking to you like this would be considered a sign of weakness in our family . . . I just feel so humiliated . . . It's hard. For someone like me. You know?"

 "Ok Darling, here comes the fluffy talk.

 I know it might seem hard to go there. I'm here to support you without judgment. I'm here to listen. If you need to stop at any point or feel uncomfortable, we can take a break any time. There's no right or wrong here. Just you sharing with me, blah, blah, blah, what a load of pants . . . OK Darling, ready when you are."

"Say . . . you're a little different to what I'm used to, do you call all your clients Darling?"

"Ya Darling, it's my USP, deal with it. Oh, and if it was easy, you wouldn't need to see a therapist. Now, Darling, you mentioned Christmas, how unoriginal- yawn- is this a difficult time for you?"

"It's always difficult. I can't remember a time when I wasn't bullied. Singled out. Mostly name-calling, which sounds pathetic I know, but after years of it it starts to get you down. Gets under your skin and in your head. I'm convinced that people are laughing at me all the time, you know?"

"Mmmhmm"

"Of course, they always called it banter. Covers a multitude of sins that word, banter. It wasn't banter. It was relentless. And yes, Christmas is always a difficult time . . . for all of us."

"Excellent Darling, excellent. Not for you of course, no, no, for me. It sounds most miserable for you. Now I know it's cliché, I just need to tick the box on the form. Tell me about your birth parents."

"Ok, not sure what they've got to do with anything."

"Humour me."

"I don't remember them much. They gave me up when I was little. . . I . . . I don't know why. They gave all of us up. Life was hard, we just got on with it."

"All of you? Ah, interesting, but not surprising I guess. Maybe they were embarrassed by you in particular, do you think?"

"What? Why do you say that? Err, maybe. . . Would they have been embarrassed by me?"

"Pah! No, that's nonsense Darling, what are you talking about. Why would you suggest that? Parents are always proud of their offspring. It's nature's way. Whatever you might think. Don't be ridiculous. What a silly idea, carry on."

"But you said—"

"Nonsense Darling, just keep it moving."

"Ookay? . . . I was adopted."

"Adopted! God, I love that, another box ticked. Ok good."

"Into a large family."

"Ya, Ya. This is good, Ya! Was this good for you Darling?"

"I . . . I guess so. I mean Mother and Father are proud, hardworking people. We've had some good times over the years. I guess I've always felt extra close to Mother. We have a real connection, you know?"

"Blah, blah, blah Darling. All children feel that they have a special connection to their mother. It's just so they don't starve when they're born. You know, on the titty milk."

"NO! YOU'RE WRONG! —Wait, titty milk? Who says titty milk? — Anyway, it's different with us. She told me so. She would tell me I was special, all the time. She used to say I'd light up the room whenever I walked in. I'm her favourite."

"Well Darling, if it makes you feel better to think that then be my guest, I can tell you, it's all about the titty milk. It's science, you can't hide from it. Now, give me more."

"Ok, well a large family has its benefits, it also means I can never get away from them."

"Them?"

"The bullies."

"I see, please proceed Darling, I need more."

"Ok, well I've always felt different . . . I . . . I know I look different."

"Ya, ok Darling, hold the front page. It would be foolish of me to say I hadn't noticed. Now listen up, this is solid gold bullshit.

One is not defined solely by what one looks like. One is defined by who one is on the inside. The inside Darling. On the inside, you see?"

"That's not solid gold, you sound like every other therapist I've seen—apart from the word bullshit. I've never heard anyone say that before."

"No Darling, I'm not like any other therapist you've seen before. I'm unique. I think outside the box . . . Carrot?"

"Sorry, what?"

"Carrot Darling, would you like a carrot? They're good for the soul."

"Erm, no . . . thanks."

"Suit yourself Darling . . . They're organic?"

"WHAT? NO! Thank you. I already had lunch. Let's just carry on with the session, can we?"

"Ah relax Darling, relax. You high profile clients are so highly strung, so needy. Look Darling, I read your file. You and your family have got quite the reputation. Is this maybe your problem? Are you a little camera shy?"

"I didn't ask to be part of it. I didn't get a choice. Maybe you're right. I was quite happy out of the limelight. In a family as big as mine I could always stay in the shadows. It didn't matter to me. I didn't need to be out front to feel special. I already knew I was special. Mother told me I was special."

"Oh! Darling, let it go. Let. It. Go. You need to cut the apron strings, they're blinding you."

"OK! You tell me, you tell me why they bullied me if you're the so-called expert."

"Oh Darling, this is so simple to me it hurts. It's something we all have, you just have to work out what yours is and make it your strength, not your weakness. We spend all our time looking backwards. The bullying the birth parents the name calling. Sure, they are important and they help make us who we are, just not exclusively. Understand?"

"No. And now you really sound like every other therapist I've ever seen . . . And there's been plenty, just get to the point!"

"USP Darling . . . USP."

"WTF's a USP?"

"OMG Darling!"

"Look, if we're just going to continue this conversation with acronyms, I want my money back."

"Oh Darling. Unique. Selling. Point. We all have one. It's just that sometimes we can't see what's right at the end of our nose."

"Why do you people always have to talk in riddles? Can't you just fix me?"

"Oh Darling, I can't fix you . . . At least not this week. We've run out of time.

Go home and think hard about what we've covered today. Think hard about what your USP means for you."

"Oh, is that the time already? Look, I've got to go, Mothers waiting outside for me. Same time next week?"

"Ya, ya Darling, same time next week . . . Oh, and Rudolf, your Mother's right about one thing. You do light up the room whenever you walk in."