All the different phases of grief

Grief. It feels like somebody cut into your soul and takes a part of it. Grieving can't be healed with money nor medication, but only with time, which makes it even harder to deal with. Every person who has ever grieved a close family member, friend or pet understands the acute pain that grieving involves. Tania is grieving right now. She is grieving the loss of her best friend, the only person she has been able to rely on her whole life considering her real parents abandoned her. The worst part about grieving is the people surrounding the person in grief. Sometimes, they strive so much to help the person that they don't realize that what they are doing is making things worse.

Tania happens to be the one unpleasantly surprised when she is given her best friend's cat, named Tiger. Not only does Tania have no interest in taking care of this pet, but she feels like she has too much on her plate with work, but also with personal stuff to handle a live creature in her apartment. Unfortunately Tania has no choice, this being her best friend's wish, so she reluctantly decides to give it a try. The first week with a pet passes by effortlessly, Tania thinks like she judged Tiger too soon. It feels as though she doesn't even have a pet besides the times she has to feed and clean up after Tiger. Tania is used to not paying much attention to the cat, but she undoubtedly observes the cat isn't living anymore, it is like she is surviving.

Thinking only a human can grief is the first mistake Tania made in having a pet. Tiger was eating the bear minimum to get by and ignored the girl day-to-day. Tania felt like she made a promise to her best friend to take care of her cat and right now she was not fulfilling that promise so even though she had no desire to pet the cat or even spend time playing with it, she knew it was the right thing to do. One day after coming from work Tania was reading "Song of Solomon" by Toni Morrison when she caught the cat in a relaxed state of mind almost falling asleep.

The girl knows this is her chance, so she gets up and slowly moves towards Tiger. The cat sees Tania but doesn't even turn her head to see her and casually ignores Tania. On her first attempt the girl tries to be as nice as possible which is the opposite of her real personality, Tania being a truly straight-forward and tough person. She doesn't like to show emotion, she bottles it up as long as she can. Tania '"Hi Tiger! Are you sad ?" the cat is still ignoring her. Tania looks up and shuts her eyes in anguish "God! Look what I've become, I'm talking to freaking a cat". She takes another breath and starts to pet her and notices the cat acknowledging her presence. Tania gives Tiger a soft smile like she was pleased by the fact that this was their first time looking at each other eye to eye. The tension was rising as the cat was staring at Tania in scorn. Tiger as soon as the girl tries to get closer to her, out of the blue she scratches her check and jumps off the couch. Tania's mouth is wide open and is in shock. Besides giving food to Tiger and cleaning the litter box doesn't try to annoy the cat anymore because she knows what it feels like to have the need to be left alone. 

The following day she meets up with one of her old high school friends who she has been on a few dates with, his name is Collin. "What happened to your check?". Then he slowly gets closer to her while holding her face in his hands. Before even getting a chance to answer him, Collin unexpectedly kisses Tania almost leaving her without a breath. Tania leans back and slowly gives out an amused laugh "My cat scratched me". Collin smirks at Tania and then hugs her "How was work? Did you have a lot of patients?". Tania responds in disinterest " I had a normal amount of patients". Collin sees her unpleasant look and asks " Well I'm just asking because being a nurse, recently losing your best friend and getting a crazy cat must be pretty difficult, isn't it?". Tania breaths heavily "Nothing I can't handle...". A sudden silence penetrates their colloquy before the girl says" and the cat isn't crazy". Before she leaves Collin reminds Tania the promise she had made a few weeks previous by telling him she would invite him over to her place so they could binge watch their favorite movies. Tania agrees to have him over that night and takes off.

Although she is exhausted from work and doesn't have any interest in spending the night with Collin she also has to go to her best friend's apartment to clean it before putting it on sale. She did most of the cleaning the previous week. She still has to mop it and take some of the stuff left there that her parents thought Tania would enjoy. Being so indefatigable she finishes fairly soon, but finds one of the blankets Tania's best friend had told her it was Tiger's favorite and she would always wrap it around the cat. Tania in hope to make Tiger happier takes the blanket and also some of her old toys. On her way out she notices a framed picture with her best friend and Tiger probably taken by their friend Gavin, who left the country in hope to cope rationally with the death of their best friend.

Tania returns home to meet up with Collin in front of her door waiting hopelessly because he was so excited to come over that he made it earlier than planned. She lets him in and he analyses her apartment. It has such a cold feeling, dark purple walls, black couches, grey flooring and a ton of abstract paintings made by Tania's best friend. Something that stands out for Collin is the very few pictures she has hung up in her apartment, only three: one she took of her best friend while eating Chipotle, another one of her and Gavin graduating college and the last one with her best friend's parents surprising Tania with adoption forms. Collin was stunned that Tania didn't tell him that she was adopted. He always felt like her family was too much of a touchy subject to discuss it with her. "She was your sister". Hearing these words Tania stops from searching for movies. She looks at him without truly looking at him "Yeah, she is". Collin gets closer to her and sits next to Tania "You know I don't push to talk to you because I know you don't like talking about this kind of stuff, but you can always confide in me". Tania kisses him on the check letting him know that indeed she understands that she can talk to him. The night went smoothly, Tania fell asleep on Collin's chest after five hours of TV shows and movies.

The next morning the girl wakes up early to feed Tiger and notices that she is sleeping on her blanket. Although Tania isn't a very emotional person, it kind of brought her a sense of joy to see Tiger so relaxed. Instantly she hears Collin's phone and sees a bunch of messages from last night from an unknown person with hearts instead of a name. Tania guesses Collin's password is his birthday and goes through his phone. Collin is obviously cheating on her from all the messages saying how much this unknown misses him and how last night was the hardest night without him in bed with "her".

Tania puts his phone on the counter top and silently goes upstairs to get ready. Minutes later she hears him wake up so she goes downstairs. She just scrutinizes him. Collin starts to feel uncomfortable and asks her what is going on. Tania's face is emotionless. Collin moves toward her but before he can reach her she states " You will never contact me or even try and make things better. You will not get the chance to apologize or explain yourself. The only thing you will do is get out of my freaking house and delete my phone number". Before seeing his face, she isn't a hundred percent sure that he would do this to her, but noticing the half guilty, half speechless expression she knows he did it. To some it may seem weird that Collin really didn't apologize or explain himself , but the truth is he knows well enough to listen to Tania especially when she hides her enraged side in order to not lose it.

Going to work is exactly what Tania needs right, she has to get her mind off what has happened to her lately. But when she comes home she gets an unusual feeling being there. All she thinks about is how Collin spent the night on her couch and it even smells like his perfume. She goes to her bedroom to find Tiger peacefully sleeping on her bed. Tiger always sleeps on the couch so this is pretty unusual but Tania is too tired to overthink it so she gets changed and goes to sleep in bed with Tiger next to her.

Tania wakes up and is unexpectedly surprised to see Tiger lounged on her legs. The girl takes a minute to admire Tiger. Tania can't help but think that this is the only thing left of her sister and as much as she wanted to be more like her sister, Tania retrieves herself a lot in Tiger. They are both so unamused and cold, but deep down their feelings create such a complex enigma not even themselves understand their own emotions. Tania doesn't have work so she has nowhere to be. The girl decides to not disturb the cat, so she just lays down, her eyes getting stuck on the ceiling. The silence is creeping in her mind and the thought of her sister/ best friend is inevitable. Tania's way of grieving is staying in denial, but right now she can't, there is nothing else to think about. The clear image of her sister telling her not to worry eclipses any other ponder going through her mind.

The moment Tiger wakes up, Tania goes to make herself some coffee and then calls her adoptive parents. "Hi mom! Can you talk?". Not even seconds pass for her to respond " Of course, honey. How are you?". Tania knows if she is going to answer sincerely the answer would be 'I'm miserable' but she didn't want her parents to stress after just losing their daughter to cancer. "I'm fine, just wanted to hear your voice". Her mom silently laughs "Oh you're sweet. How's Tiger?". Tania let's her know everything about the cat, but doesn't get into the whole situation with Collin as she can't stand thinking about it anymore. "I have to go honey, but call me anytime and if you're not ok just tell me". "I'm fine mom, love you, bye". After talking to her mom Tania decides to catch up with some GOT, when out of the blue Tiger brings Tania her toy. The girl easily realizes she wants to play but it takes her a second to notice this change in Tiger's behavior. Instead of watching GOT Tania spends quality time with Tiger she can tell that Tiger is gradually becoming better. They play for maybe 40 minutes until Tiger gets tired and goes to sleep.

Later that night Tania is still thinking about her sister and she can't seem to ponder anything else. Days pass by during which Tania and Tiger get surprisingly close. They both sleep together and Tania even hand-made a leash and took Tiger near her apartment close to a garden. She left like this cat is someone the way for her to stay in touch with her sister. Tania thinks for a second and she can't even imagine not having Tiger, going through all this is easier because of a cat, a thought that Tania never would imagine having. The girl starts to hang out with some colleagues from work and tries not to get stuck in the same sorrowful state of mine she had before Tiger.

Tania arrives late from work and on her way home she looks around her, she sees lights and she sees joy, she notices the sky and thinks about hope. Everything is finally falling into place. In front of the door when she pulls her keys out of her pocket she notices something different. The atmosphere just isn't the same. Opening the door she realizes her balcony door is open. A split second of hoping Tiger is in her bedroom sleeping and not lying dead 64 feet from the balcony to the ground. The cat is nowhere to be found in the apartment so Tania rushes downstairs praying not to see her cat lifeless. Adrenaline is running through her veins, uncertainty humming through every inch of her body. But it's pointless...

The moment seeing Tiger like that shatters her peace and brings out the worst pain. Tania starts gasping for air, tears are rushing down her cheeks, she picks up her cat and hugs her tightly . Even though she stumbles through her words Tania voices "It's ok. You can go. I will understand". The pain is coming from not only losing her cat, but her denial state of mind stops and the death of her sister kicks in, and getting cheated on is the cherry on top of the cake of disaster. Feeling no heart-beat Tania falls to the ground on her knees and cries heavily while holding on as tight as possible to Tiger. The blood and the injuries don't matter to her, all she wants to do is hold her cat, her Tiger.

The details about the burying part are just despondent. Tania takes a break from work as she is too emotionally exhausted to go there. Her body is hurting everywhere. She takes out her phone and dials a number. Seconds after waiting she hears a comforting voice " Hi Tania. I've missed you. Are you good?". "No Gavin. I'm not Where are you?''. Gavin senses Tania's pain through her squeaky voice "What happened?". Tania rolls her eyes "Just tell me where you are!". After a split second of silence Gavin responds "I'm in Zurich, why?". Tania doesn't take a moment to think and says " I'm coming to you, I need a break, send me your location".

Drapetomania. An overwhelming urge to run away. Sometimes you just need to breathe. All. The. Different. Phases. Of. Grief.