Undercover Grandpa

A.N. The main character, Taylor, was made by Wolf Warrior. Go check her out! And the side character, Brandon, was made by Juliette Ainsworth. Also go check her out! And if you'd like a character in one of my stories, fill out the form in my bio.

Taylor absolutely hated going to her Grandpa’s house. All he did was work on the house. The plumbing had issues and he pretended to fix it all the time. The air conditioning didn’t work, so the summers were so hot and the winters were cold.

But there was no other place for Taylor to go. Well, there was only one other place. And she’d made that mistake years ago.

Her parents knew she didn’t like going to his house. They didn’t either. He made awkward small talk and always cooked meatloaf that tasted like it came out of a can.

The only other place she could go was helping out at the daycare. She went once, thinking absolutely anything could be better than staying at her Grandpa’s. She was wrong.

If you think crying, pooping, puking, nose-picking babies is better than staying with a boring, meatloaf cooking Grandpa, you are wrong. Very very wrong.

Taylor had to change a diaper. She had to get thrown up on by little baby Bobby who was sick. She was getting bit at by baby Trina who was teething. And she had to deal with toddler Toddy or Little Booger, as Taylor called him, throwing tantrums because he didn’t want to share his toys.

That was a hard time. So now, Taylor will go to her Grandpa’s instead of the daycare.

Taylor’s family’s little red car lurched to a stop in front of her Grandpa’s little faded beige cottage. The grass was overgrown and brown, the gutters were full and it showed leaves sticking out from the top, it looked like some kid had toilet papered his house and he had never thought to clean it up. It was strung all around and since the rain the day before, it looked like a big soggy mess.

Grandpa awaited Taylor in the window. He smiled and waved. 

Taylor pouted and looked at her parents with puppy dog eyes. “Are you sure they won’t allow a sweet thirteen year old to come with you to the opera?” She asked.

Her mother raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you like opera? Yesterday you were teasing your father and I for liking it!”

“As of now, I am completely in love with the opera. Isn’t one of the shows ‘Hamilton’? Or what about. . . I don’t know. . . ‘The Lion King’?” She guessed.

“I’m surprised you even know one of them.” Her father said, running a hand through his rough brown hair.

“And no,” Her mother chimed in. “‘The Lion King’ is not an opera. It’s a musical.”

“Same thing!” I laughed.

“No, not the same thing. Now go!”

Taylor knew there was no way to get out of this so she opened the car door and waved goodbye to her parents.

They drove off, exhaust blowing from the little red car engine.

Taylor walked on the curvy stone path that led to her Grandpa’s cottage. She knocked on the oak door twice and Grandpa rushed to the door to greet her.

“Taylor!” He exclaimed, pulling her into one of the tightest hugs she’d ever been in.

On top of his bald head sat a white toupe. He had a long, shaggy white beard that Taylor liked to braid when she was little. He reeked of his meatloaf. He wore a long brown robe and big brown slippers. He wasn't your average Grandpa. He was much more boring and weird.

“Hi Gramps.” I said, sulking.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, handing me a tissue. It was used. 

I struggled to put on a smile and act like everything was fine. “Oh nothing! I’m just a little sad that I don’t have anything to do! I didn’t bring coloring books like I used to.”

“Oh, well. I didn’t keep your old ones. I threw them out or I made a fire out of ‘em. I don’t really know.”

I never cared for them but I acted sad because he was the one who bought them for me. “Aww, now what will we do? I guess you’ll have to drop me off with Mom and Dad. . .”

He thought about it and then put on a smile. “I’d never do that to my granddaughter! We can go to the park! Or what about we go outside and-”

Right as Grandpa was about to finish his sentence, there was a knock at the door.

Grandpa rushed over to get it, expecting a package to arrive. He’d bought some stuff to fix the plumbing and air conditioning. To Taylor, it was normal. He bought stuff like that every day. It’s like throwing money away.

But the package is not what’s at the door. Taylor is confused but Grandpa has a smile on his face.

A boy, about average height was standing at the door with a platter of M&M cookies in his hand. Mm, Taylor’s favorite. He had disheveled black hair and deep, rich eyes like the soil. His skin was fair and he had freckles sprinkled about. He was wearing a black coat in the middle of Summer. Taylor thought that was strange.

“Hello, Mr. Tom.” The boy greeted Taylor’s grandfather and handed him the platter of cookies gingerly. His gaze shifted to Taylor. He tipped his hat. “Hello, Miss. . .”

“Oh!” Grandpa said, pushing Taylor forward. “This is Taylor, my granddaughter. Taylor, this is Brandon Matthews. He’s been helping with the garden and the plumbing because I’m gettin’ old. Can’t do the things I used to be able to.”

Taylor gave a slight wave. “Hello Brandon.”

He waved back and flashed a white grin.

Grandpa invited him inside for a cookie and tea and they all sat on the couch.

“Would you like to hear a story?” Grandpa asked, taking a careful sip of the hot mint tea.

Taylor thought about saying “NO!” because she’d heard each and every one and they were pretty much all the same. But would that be something polite to do in front of Brandon? Taylor kept her mouth shut.

“Sure, Mr. Tom.” Brandon said as he took a big bite of his cookie.

“Please, call me Tom.” Grandpa corrected. “And for the story, I call it ‘Undercover Grandpa’.”

Taylor was surprised at the name of his story. She’d never heard this before.

“Did you know I’m part of the nobility? Or used to be, I should say. I’m a knight! Working for the Queen Of Hearts.” He was about to launch into the story when Brandon interrupted. 

“How much sugar have you had lately? How much coffee did you have?” He asked. “I’m sorry, Tom, but this is just absurd.”

Grandpa looked at Brandon and clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth. “Just listen and you’ll understand. Do not underestimate your average Grandpa.” He said, wiggling his eyebrows.

Taylor and Brandon giggled.

“As I was saying. I was working for the Queen of Hearts. She used to be alive, but then she died. It was a tragic accident, really. They say one of her dogs may have killed her. They were rats, horrible, horrible, rats.” He paused. “But I know it was Mr. Ramon, the janitor. I swear he always stood in the corner with his big blue mop, teasing me. And he always had this sly grin on his face. And he was in the room with Ms. Hearts when she died. As well as some of the maids, her dogs, and her daughter, Velia.”

“Were any proven guilty?” Taylor asked.

“The dogs had no comment so they were proven guilty.” He said with a sigh. 

Brandon leaned over to Taylor so he could whisper in her ear. “I think your grandfather really did have too much coffee.”

“Ok!” Grandpa said. “On with the story. I was working for the Queen of Hearts, guarding her. I was a knight! I stood outside her bedroom door throughout night and day. And one day, she needed my help. Badly.” He stopped again for dramatic effect but it wasn’t very dramatic. “I heard a shrill scream. Like this. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

Grandpa’s loud, unnecessary, shrill scream caused Brandon and Taylor to really think he’d had too much coffee and sugar.

“Maybe we should get you to bed, Grandpa.” Taylor suggested.

“No, no no.” He declined. “Let’s finish the story first.”

Taylor sighed but let Grandpa continue. 

“So,” He went on. “I opened the door and found the janitor holding a knife to her neck. I blinked, and he was back to cleaning. I went to go check to see if she was okay, and she had me take the janitor to the dungeons right away.”

“Is there a backup janitor? One who’s nice?” Taylor clarified.

“No, so we had to hire one. He had brown shaggy hair and big blue eyes. He looked mean. And when I say mean, I mean mean. And his name was Mr. Ramon.” He paused yet again for dramatic effect.

“Isn’t that who you thought killed the Queen of Hearts?” Brandon asked, referring to earlier in the story.

“Yes!” He exclaimed. “Finally, someone who believes my story!”

Brandon stuttered. “No-n-no. I don’t necessarily agree with you, sir.” But Grandpa didn't listen. He just kept dancing away. 

He stopped. “I did eventually get him in jail. I guess the court was fed up with me and decided to put him in jail. If I were him, I’d be mad.”

“Grandpa?” Taylor asked.

“Yes?” He said, as he took a sip of the cool tea.

“What exactly is the moral of the story here?” She asked.

“There is none.” He replied, deadpan.

“So this was just a big waste of time?” Brandon asked.

“Pretty much.” He said.

“Gramps,” Taylor started as she got up from the floor and walked over to her Grandpa who was sitting in the tattered recliner. “We should get you to bed. I think you’ve had just a teensy bit too much coffee.”

He gasped. “I’ve only had seventeen cups today! I haven’t had my twentieth yet. After that, I promise to go to bed.”

Taylor was skeptical. She ended up having to drag him like a baby all the way to his bed.

But before Taylor was about to go out of his room, Grandpa whispered. “Taylor. I’ve already had sixty-four cups of coffee!”

Taylor definitely did not think her Grandpa was boring still. But he was one heck of a Grandpa. And he was definitely crazy.