Can We Talk?

Can we talk?

Hey, thanks for stopping by. Didn’t want to say this in front of others. You know how people will take things the wrong way, right? And I do appreciate if you wouldn’t blab it about. No, it won’t take long, but have a seat, anyway. Coffee? No? Yeah, right. Get to it.

Well, how do I start? Just jump in, right? No, no. You did nothing wrong.

I have certain powers. No, hear me out. I didn’t believe it either. But I can’t ignore it any longer.

At first, I thought it was just, you know, plain luck, coincidence, you know. I’d pray for a green light and got it. And when I’d pray for a red light, so I could look in the glove compartment - does anyone keep gloves in there - for a tissue, for instance, I got that too. And wishing someone would call me, or the dentist office would cancel my appointment. All that stuff happened.

I have coupons for everything I buy. Crazy right? Really? You have coupons for every single item you buy? No, I don’t go coupon hunting, they just appear on my member card. That’s not coincidence anymore. I don’t know what to call it, but …

And then really strange stuff started to happen. The weather, for instance. I’d look out the window at the rain and say that I needed it to stop in 20 minutes because I planned to go to the store. Sure enough, it stopped on time and when I’d get home, I’d say, okay, you may resume if you wish, and it would.

Sure, good timing, serendipity, I get it. And I laughed it off the first time. I was flabbergasted when it happened again. But by the third time, I was more than a bit spooked, I tell you.

I think I diverted a tornado the other night. (sigh), I know, I know it’s crazy. But I did. Sent it to a rural area. It only took two cows and a barn, instead of a whole street.

No, don’t be silly. I can’t stop hurricanes, or earthquakes. Yes, I’ve tried. Or floods. I mean, all that water has to go somewhere. No, I can’t stop lightning. Do you have any idea how many times lightning happens around the world each day? That would be more than a full-time job.

(Deep breath)

I can read people’s thoughts. I know what you are thinking. Hah, yes, I know, that’s easy. You think I’m crazy and need to be locked up. Pumped full of good solid, old-fashioned anti-psychotics. But I'm not making this up. You know me as being rational, right?

You want that coffee now? Or maybe wine? I have whisky, yes? A double. Sure.

No, I don’t go around listening in, but I hear stuff. Oh, it’s pretty mundane. Worries about money, the kids, will he call, will she say yes. Did they look like a fool when … fil in the blank. Promotions, dates, sexual fantasies. That’s a biggie. Especially women. You’d be surprised how many women of all ages walk through Kroger fantasizing about sex. You know, no wonder they’re a little short with the kids, when they get interrupted.

Men will lust after someone for a minute, but when the lust object is out of sight, those guys will latch on to the next one. In between they’ll think about a sport, any sport.

And the crazy thing is, 99% of them will never act on their fantasies. The women will just read trashy novels and hope that hubby is quick about it, tonight, so they can go back to fantasizing. Crazy, right?

Weight is another biggie and the oh so dreaded having to up a size. Not that most of them will stay out of the snacks aisle or use that gym membership they paid an arm and leg for.

And here’s a newsflash, with the exception of the ‘fashion police’, most people do not pay the least attention to what other people are wearing. That’s why you can walk into Walmart in your pj’s, and nobody looks twice. But wrap a pink boa around those pj’s and you should hear the comments. It seems you can walk around in a leopard print hooded onesie and nobody blinks but add a zebra print purse and they’re ready to call the men in the white coats.

You’ve watched cop shows, right? You know that eyewitnesses are unreliable. Because most of us go around life on auto pilot. We go to work, on the way home we swing by the store, grab something from the freezer for dinner, watch the same shows on tv every night. Rinse and repeat. It’s not until we run into a roadblock or detour or that pink boa that we sit up and look around.

Actually, it’s one reason, I’ve been staying home more. It’s just too exhausting hearing everybody whining about how their feet hurt. I mean, really! Buy shoes that are comfortable. You want your calves to look good? Get on a bike. Sometimes I just want to remind people that once they’ve caught someone’s eye for real with those shapely gams, those shoes will come off and he’ll run for hills when he sees those bleeding, misshapen toes and bunions. I’m just saying.

You want another drink, right? Sure, no problem. Here’s the bottle. Help yourself.

The other day I was in Kroger. It was early, nine something. Mostly seniors. You know how grandmothers smile and say everything is fine. Well, underneath that smile, they constantly think about their aches and pains and the fact that their kids never come to visit, how everything is so expensive, and the doctor won’t let them eat this or that anymore.

Well, I hadn’t slept well the night before and was a bit cranky. So, I … I know, it wasn’t nice, but in my mind I just screamed: “SHUT UP ALREAY!” And they did. I know, right? So, I continued. “Thank you” I thought. “Tell your kids you miss them and that you are happy they have a life of their own. Then go meet your own friends. Suck up your aches and pains and be honest with your doctor.” I figured that was enough for one day. So, I cleared my thoughts and went to the check out. I was the only one moving in the store. I get my groceries delivered now.

And I’ve turned off the tv. I knew what they were going to say, before they said it. If it was a life show, people would look a little surprised when they said what I thought they were going to say. So, did I put words in their mouths? I have no business being that powerful, do I?

No, I can’t cure the sick. At least, I haven’t tried. And no, I haven’t played the lottery, that would be cheating. Yeah, I could go to Washington and sit in the visitor’s gallery. But just because I think something should happen doesn’t mean it’s the right course, you know. After all, I have been wrong on occasion. And there is such a thing as free will.

No, don’t be silly. I can’t raise the dead, who do you think I am, God?