39 comments

Fiction Funny

Can we talk?

Hey, thanks for stopping by. Didn’t want to say this in front of others. You know how people will take things the wrong way, right? And I do appreciate if you wouldn’t blab it about. No, it won’t take long, but have a seat, anyway. Coffee? No? Yeah, right. Get to it.


Well, how do I start? Just jump in, right? No, no. You did nothing wrong.


I have certain powers. No, hear me out. I didn’t believe it either. But I can’t ignore it any longer.


At first, I thought it was just, you know, plain luck, coincidence, you know. I’d pray for a green light and got it. And when I’d pray for a red light, so I could look in the glove compartment - does anyone keep gloves in there - for a tissue, for instance, I got that too. And wishing someone would call me, or the dentist office would cancel my appointment. All that stuff happened.


I have coupons for everything I buy. Crazy right? Really? You have coupons for every single item you buy? No, I don’t go coupon hunting, they just appear on my member card. That’s not coincidence anymore. I don’t know what to call it, but …


And then really strange stuff started to happen. The weather, for instance. I’d look out the window at the rain and say that I needed it to stop in 20 minutes because I planned to go to the store. Sure enough, it stopped on time and when I’d get home, I’d say, okay, you may resume if you wish, and it would.


Sure, good timing, serendipity, I get it. And I laughed it off the first time. I was flabbergasted when it happened again. But by the third time, I was more than a bit spooked, I tell you.


I think I diverted a tornado the other night. (sigh), I know, I know it’s crazy. But I did. Sent it to a rural area. It only took two cows and a barn, instead of a whole street.


No, don’t be silly. I can’t stop hurricanes, or earthquakes. Yes, I’ve tried. Or floods. I mean, all that water has to go somewhere. No, I can’t stop lightning. Do you have any idea how many times lightning happens around the world each day? That would be more than a full-time job.


(Deep breath)


I can read people’s thoughts. I know what you are thinking. Hah, yes, I know, that’s easy. You think I’m crazy and need to be locked up. Pumped full of good solid, old-fashioned anti-psychotics. But I'm not making this up. You know me as being rational, right?


You want that coffee now? Or maybe wine? I have whisky, yes? A double. Sure.


No, I don’t go around listening in, but I hear stuff. Oh, it’s pretty mundane. Worries about money, the kids, will he call, will she say yes. Did they look like a fool when … fil in the blank. Promotions, dates, sexual fantasies. That’s a biggie. Especially women. You’d be surprised how many women of all ages walk through Kroger fantasizing about sex. You know, no wonder they’re a little short with the kids, when they get interrupted.


Men will lust after someone for a minute, but when the lust object is out of sight, those guys will latch on to the next one. In between they’ll think about a sport, any sport.


And the crazy thing is, 99% of them will never act on their fantasies. The women will just read trashy novels and hope that hubby is quick about it, tonight, so they can go back to fantasizing. Crazy, right?


Weight is another biggie and the oh so dreaded having to up a size. Not that most of them will stay out of the snacks aisle or use that gym membership they paid an arm and leg for.


And here’s a newsflash, with the exception of the ‘fashion police’, most people do not pay the least attention to what other people are wearing. That’s why you can walk into Walmart in your pj’s, and nobody looks twice. But wrap a pink boa around those pj’s and you should hear the comments. It seems you can walk around in a leopard print hooded onesie and nobody blinks but add a zebra print purse and they’re ready to call the men in the white coats.


You’ve watched cop shows, right? You know that eyewitnesses are unreliable. Because most of us go around life on auto pilot. We go to work, on the way home we swing by the store, grab something from the freezer for dinner, watch the same shows on tv every night. Rinse and repeat. It’s not until we run into a roadblock or detour or that pink boa that we sit up and look around.


Actually, it’s one reason, I’ve been staying home more. It’s just too exhausting hearing everybody whining about how their feet hurt. I mean, really! Buy shoes that are comfortable. You want your calves to look good? Get on a bike. Sometimes I just want to remind people that once they’ve caught someone’s eye for real with those shapely gams, those shoes will come off and he’ll run for hills when he sees those bleeding, misshapen toes and bunions. I’m just saying.


You want another drink, right? Sure, no problem. Here’s the bottle. Help yourself.


The other day I was in Kroger. It was early, nine something. Mostly seniors. You know how grandmothers smile and say everything is fine. Well, underneath that smile, they constantly think about their aches and pains and the fact that their kids never come to visit, how everything is so expensive, and the doctor won’t let them eat this or that anymore.


Well, I hadn’t slept well the night before and was a bit cranky. So, I … I know, it wasn’t nice, but in my mind I just screamed: “SHUT UP ALREAY!” And they did. I know, right? So, I continued. “Thank you” I thought. “Tell your kids you miss them and that you are happy they have a life of their own. Then go meet your own friends. Suck up your aches and pains and be honest with your doctor.” I figured that was enough for one day. So, I cleared my thoughts and went to the check out. I was the only one moving in the store. I get my groceries delivered now.


And I’ve turned off the tv. I knew what they were going to say, before they said it. If it was a life show, people would look a little surprised when they said what I thought they were going to say. So, did I put words in their mouths? I have no business being that powerful, do I?


No, I can’t cure the sick. At least, I haven’t tried. And no, I haven’t played the lottery, that would be cheating. Yeah, I could go to Washington and sit in the visitor’s gallery. But just because I think something should happen doesn’t mean it’s the right course, you know. After all, I have been wrong on occasion. And there is such a thing as free will.


No, don’t be silly. I can’t raise the dead, who do you think I am, God?


May 15, 2024 20:04

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39 comments

Daniel R. Hayes
16:49 May 16, 2024

Hi Trudy! This was a wonderfully funny story. I loved the humor here and you did a great job with it. I wish there were more funny stories on here, but I guess humor is harder than depressing titles...lol. My favorite line here is: "The women will just read trashy novels and hope that hubby is quick about it, tonight, so they can go back to fantasizing." - I laughed so hard!! I really enjoyed this one. Great job as always! :)

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Trudy Jas
16:57 May 16, 2024

LOL. I know, I had to put that in. I don't know if humor is harder to write than suspense of believable dystopian. It's up to the reader to enjoy it. Obviously, you and I find the same things funny. Thanks Daniel (or do you go by Ryan?)

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Daniel R. Hayes
17:11 May 16, 2024

Good points ;) I think most of the stories I've read on here have an element of sadness to them...lol. But I did enjoy this story a great deal. I go by Daniel...lol.

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Trudy Jas
17:23 May 16, 2024

You're right. I think humor is seen more like fluff. As if less work is needed to write it. And yet, I believe more people go see a stand-up, or a comedy than sit willingly through Macbeth.

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Steven Nimocks
21:16 May 23, 2024

Amazing! Now that was funny. There were a lot of lines I enjoyed, but a couple of my favorites were "does anyone keep gloves in there" and of course, the last line "No, don’t be silly. I can’t raise the dead, who do you think I am, God?" Good job!

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Trudy Jas
21:25 May 23, 2024

:-) Thank you, Steven. I wasn't sure if anyone would get the glove comartment line. Thanks.

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KT George
18:07 May 23, 2024

The pacing on this was fantastic, and the humor was Seinfeld-ish with its matter-of-fact pointing out the absurdities of our modern society. Great job!

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Trudy Jas
19:40 May 23, 2024

Thank you! That put a smile on my face.

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TE Wetzel
14:02 May 23, 2024

Cool story! Nice flow. Real snappy.

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Trudy Jas
15:42 May 23, 2024

Thanks, TE. Glad you liked it.

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Carol Stewart
22:39 May 22, 2024

Some good material here if you ever thought of venturing into stand-up comedy. Or maybe you have...? The pink boa, the fantasies and the no longer going to the supermarket, just brill.

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Trudy Jas
23:49 May 22, 2024

Thanks Carol. So glad you liked it. I look better in writing, than on stage, so, I'll keep doing this. :-)

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Harland Chambers
02:02 May 21, 2024

Two of the best paragraphs I've ever read: And here’s a newsflash, with the exception of the ‘fashion police’, most people do not pay the least attention to what other people are wearing. That’s why you can walk into Walmart in your pj’s, and nobody looks twice. But wrap a pink boa around those pj’s and you should hear the comments. It seems you can walk around in a leopard print hooded onesie and nobody blinks but add a zebra print purse and they’re ready to call the men in the white coats. You’ve watched cop shows, right? You know that e...

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Trudy Jas
02:05 May 21, 2024

Tha k you Harland. Can't wait to read it.

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Suman Amarnath
06:34 May 20, 2024

It's really tough to write addressing a second person directly, but in this case - it works so well. I really like the beginning, the invite to sit in and start telling the story. It's good!

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Trudy Jas
08:36 May 20, 2024

Thank you, Suman. Really appreciate your feedback. I had fun writing it.

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Joseph Hawke
02:50 May 19, 2024

Very clever, Trudy. There are definitely times I feel like God is listening and the mundane requests are answered here in the earthly realm. Nicely done!

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Trudy Jas
03:02 May 19, 2024

Thanks, Joseph. There is a little bit for everyone in there, isn't it? Thanks for reading.

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Martha Kowalski
00:21 May 19, 2024

I'm always one for a good psychic story, and I'm always one for the bits of sarcasm/humor in your stories - yes divert a tornado but how can I stop a hurricane? :D This was amazing

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Trudy Jas
01:07 May 19, 2024

Thank you, Martha. :-) What me sarcastic? What makes you say that? LOL

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Martha Kowalski
02:22 May 19, 2024

Nooo, never... :)

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Myranda Marie
17:40 May 18, 2024

This one is so good! I think it may be because there's some truth to reading other's thoughts, manifestation, and the like. We have all experienced these phenomena at one time or another, or is it just me? I totally get staying home more, too! You never disappoint, my friend. Super entertaining!!! LOVE IT

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Trudy Jas
18:47 May 18, 2024

Thank you! It was so much fun writing it. And no, it's just not you. Every one of us is a little crazy, or maybe only partially normal. LOL

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Laurie Spellman
23:53 May 17, 2024

The most fantastic metaphor about life is the "pink boa.” I loved this story. Well done 🩷

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Trudy Jas
00:40 May 18, 2024

Tahnk you Laurie. Just had to put that boa in. ::-)

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Patrick H
14:32 May 17, 2024

Hmmm. Good story. Part of it reminded me of David Cronenberg's Scanners or Star Trek TNG "Tin Man" in which a man was driven almost mad because he could hear people thoughts whether he wanted to hear them or not. Funny story. Good job

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Trudy Jas
22:20 May 20, 2024

Hey, Patrick. I can honestly say that I did not copy/pull from those references, since I don;'t know them. LOL But having worked in acute care psychiatry for 27 years, I've seen it all.

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Patrick H
02:17 May 21, 2024

27 years? Wow!

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Trudy Jas
02:20 May 21, 2024

LOL Yup.

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Darvico Ulmeli
17:39 May 16, 2024

Nice to read a funny story that makes you smile. I'm tired of the stories that all mentioned mental problems, death, or the smell of sadness. I like to laugh. Life is full of sadness; everyone knows that. We are aware of how sad life can be, but it can also be beautiful and funny. Love your story a lot.

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Trudy Jas
17:40 May 16, 2024

Thank you, Darvico. So true, so true.

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Alexis Araneta
17:03 May 16, 2024

Trudy, how do you come up with these fresh, out-of-the-box concepts ? My gosh, I loved it. The use of second person POV (a tricky thing to do with aplomb) was amazing. The way the "conversation/monologue" flowed was also impeccable. *standing ovation*

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Trudy Jas
17:30 May 16, 2024

LOL I'll take a standing ovation any day, Alexis. Thanks. And to answer your question, I have no idea where my brain goes, some days. But as long as my laptop is willing to accept it, I''ll just keep blabbering at it. Now and then, a story forms. Some days I wake up with a sentence in my head, or a memory form a dream, and over time it becomes a story (or not). I have about as many sitting, waiting for the right prompt as I have already submitted. So, I guess I'll be around a while. LOL

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Hannah Lynn
14:26 May 16, 2024

I enjoyed your story, it flowed so easily and naturally. Left the reader wondering about the main character!

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Trudy Jas
15:31 May 16, 2024

You mean the one who's (a little/ or a lot) crazy? LOL Thanks Hannah. Have been trying to draw on my many years working in psych.

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Hannah Lynn
18:08 May 16, 2024

That was a tough field to work in!

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Trudy Jas
18:57 May 16, 2024

Yes, it had its moments. :} But medicine has come a long way since the movie "The snake pit."

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Mary Bendickson
00:27 May 16, 2024

Talk about ESP!

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Trudy Jas
00:55 May 16, 2024

Or delusions of grandeur? ;-) Thanks, Mary.

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