Amend × 6

Lexi was a young mother of six, motherhood began for her at 14. By the time she was 28 she had all six of her children. Many aspects of Lexi's life was hard due to her immaturity about certain matters. She was still in school when she had her first two children and she graduated at 18 pregnant with her third child. This made it hard to give all the children the attention they needed and deserved because of their ages, this also caused Lexi to not learn who she was. Lexi didn't have a clue on how to manage her to handle motherhood, being a college student and battered girlfriend. In 1990 Lexi started college to become a defense attorney, that was short lived due to lack of a support system. She tried again and dropped out again, this time it was due to an abusive boyfriend who she stayed with 11 years because she didn't want her children to grow up without a father in the home. Lexi was not mature enough to understand the emotional and mental scars this would cause her and her children. By 21 Lexi gave birth to her fourth child and married the abusive alcoholic. Lexi thought this was the best man for her and her four children. After being in an 11 year relationship, five of them she was married, she was able to break free and now she could do what she wanted when she wanted , her drinking increased and she began a cycle of toxic relationships. She also stopped reaching for her goal to finish college. She was hoping to find a perfect fit for her and her children. Now more responsibility fell on her and the children which none of them including Lexi was use too, although her husband was an abusive alcoholic he was an excellent stay at home dad. The children and Lexi did not have to lift a finger. Now that she was a single mother, the children had to grow up fast just like she had to, she continued the cycle instead of breaking it. By 1997 she had her 5th child. Lexi was working and attending college and still a single mom in and out of loveless and useless relationships. During these times her children were suffering in silence confused about the circumstances they were constantly put in at the hands if their mom who they loved. Lexi was too immature to realize or understand the long term damage it would have on her children. Lexi dropped out of college again, but she continued to work to provide for her five kids. Then in 1999, she had her 6th and last child, still a single mom. The two oldest children had a lot of responsibilities they were mom and dad to their younger siblings, they cooked , cleaned, potty trained and changed pampers . Lexi was a toxic person and didn't even realize it. Lexi became a grandmother at 31 she was not prepared for that at all, so she picked up another coping habit crystal meth, on top of cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana. She finally graduated from college with an A.A/ A.S degree in 2003 , she was even featured in the local newspaper on the front page. Although Lexi had finally accomplished her goal of finishing college she was still not whole and still very toxic and her children were suffering at her hands. Lexi's first five children did not grow up with hugs and I LOVE YOUS ' . Lexi gave material things or let the children do pretty much what they wanted with some boundaries. Although Lexi's children are adults she's righting the wrongs what she wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time and redo the past with the knowledge she has now. Each of her children handled their toxic upbringing in different ways, this is why Lexi is so patient, emphatic and understanding to the reasons they are how they are and why they do some of the things that they do. Lexi constantly keeps an open mind. She accepts and understands that she is guilty of many of their sufferings. Lexi has come to understand that even though she left an abusive toxic marriage, worked and went to college were all good choices, the children still suffered tremendously at the hands of a toxic mother. Life for Lexi and her children is getting better the more she works on herself, lead by example and offer advice Lexi has learned and unlearned things to be a better parent to her adult children. By her making amends has allowed Lexi and her adult children to grow at their own individual pace. Although it's never been expressed verbally, Lexi feels the forgiveness from her children, they hug her and tell her they love her even though that's not were they came from. In conclusion, parents may feel that what we do good or bad only affects us, but that's where maturity comes in, but there's no way possible to have the maturity needed at 14 through 28 to understand cause and effect.

To my children

this is for

you.

Although I didn't

express how much

I love you, I do I do.

My heart has

hurt for all

six of you.

I'm growing

and so are

you.

Just like morning

dew

That's how far

my love spreads

for you.

Everything was

not done right

so I will

continue to fight

to give you

the love that's

long overdue

Until I breathe

my last breath

I will constantly

stive to do my

best

Loving you

all from deeply

within my heart

thankful that

I'm still allowed

to play a part

although we got

off to a bad

start

I'm your mom

that's no doubt

now take your

time and find

out what life

is all about, learn

from my mistakes

and do unto

your children

what I taught

you not to do.

Maturity comes

at the level of

time

Remember your story

does not

have to

be a

continuance

of mine.