The Bible Basher

Being the Lead Psychologist on the chart-topping 'Second Chances' put my name and number in the address book of every journalist on this half of the globe. I liked it, really. I could nudge the narrative. The return of the death penalty really marked an all-time low in British empathy and I hoped my influence might go some way in reversing that. The producers didn't like what I was doing, of course. They wanted people to be detached from the reality of what was happening. While the viewers were entertained the broadcasters got their paycheck and the state could worry a little less managing death row itself. So, when Mr Brown from Birmingham suffered a psychological break, live on TV, they finally saw their chance to have me fired from the show. Violently. From a cannon, if they could. Into the Sun. Or at least the front page of the Sun. 

I'd like to take this chance to explain, unedited and uncensored, what happened.

The audience lights dimmed. My heart beat as the last member of the audience cleared their throat. The stillness in the studio compressed my chest and I didn't have time to hold my breath before- Thump. A spotlight raced across the stage, leaving pillars of light over three jail-cell doors, the words 'Second Chances' appearing in yellow against an electric blue screen overhead, then settled on Theo DeFranco, shining off of his dark blue suit and bright blue eyes. The cells, though 'stainless steel cages' is a more appropriate description, remain dark, but if you looked closely you might have seen an orange leg, or the hint of a fist, in the darkness. Legally, they had to keep me in the control room, where I am so grateful to say they didn't play the bloody computer-generated jingle that goes with the start of the show.

"Welcome to Second Chances," Theo projected to the studio, "the show where you get to decide who walks," he raises an arm to a green door, suddenly lit from above, "and who faces their just demise", his tone drops as a red door is revealed for a moment by an apparent strike of lightning. It's all intentional. They force viewers to focus on the good - in this case, the green door - and dress up the bad in a light show, while they present the choice of life and death as a gift. The audience 'gets' to choose. If the audience feels like it, they can grant a contestant the gift of life, and if they choose death then it's 'just'. They were on death row anyway.

"Now, it's time to meet today's contestants."

"Behind the first door, we have Natasha." Light fell on the first cell, revealing the attractive young woman. "Natasha has assassinated more spies than I care to count", seven is a hard number for a host, they only have five fingers on one hand and they need the other five for the microphone, "and evaded capture until her foiled attempt on our very own leader of the opposition." There were a few boos from the audience, but the cheers and wolf-whistles won out. It's good to give an easy winner. It lets the audience feel fair and prevents them from thinking too hard. 

"Behind the second door, serial killer and a favourite hire for organised gangs, it's the Reading Ripper, Kane!" This contestant was a caricature of a white supremacist - sturdy, bald, tear-drop tattoos, the occasional obscene symbol on his neck in cheap, green ink. They didn't mention that he actually was a white supremacist - too heavy for the light entertainment of execution. It didn't matter. Kane was chosen to be an easy kill. Admit it or not, most of you who watched the show expected a bad guy get what they deserve at the end. Whether they deserved it was an easy choice when they look as friendly as Kane. His heavyset glare through the screen told me that he knew this. I flagged him as a risk. "Come on Kane, smile for the camera," said Theo over the jeers from the crowd. 

"And now," Theo turned to the audience, "every week we have a wildcard, a Joker in the pack, an I-Didn't-Do-It-'Onest-Theo, or IDDIOT for short-". The public loved that one. It was written in big letters on the screen just to make it absolutely clear how witty the writers are. "-it's the Bible Basher, Noah!"

I could feel the tremor of the audience stamping their feet from the control room. Noah had been a lorry driver until he was convicted of killing dozens of couples along his haulage route. He invaded their homes and woke his victims with a hammer to the head. After an invasion of The Brown's Residence, Mr Brown provided the key witness testimony. 

Mr Brown had been at a conference in Scotland. He returned home early to find his wife beaten to death and, next to her in bed, his neighbour Richard, also beaten to death, with Noah still standing over them. Noah had worn a mask, but Mr Brown saw a tattoo of a cross on the hand holding the hammer. If Mr Brown didn't have CCTV on his front door, he'd have been the prime suspect, but if Mr Brown had ever checked his CCTV he may have caught Richard sooner and saved the two adulterers from such a rude awakening. 

When the police showed Mr Brown a photo of the cross on Noah's hand, he identified Noah as the killer. With a name like Noah and his identifying cross tattoo, the Bible Basher became a name that stuck. Now Mr Brown's reward was a front-row seat on Second Chances, to watch the world judge the Bible Basher. Depending on the public, Mr Brown would get to push the button. 

The show is split into three rounds. First, Humiliation. The writers come up with some game designed to humiliate the contestants - after all, some of them go free and they can't go unpunished. They avoided anything really humiliating or cruel, kids were watching, and, on this episode, they went with bobbing for onions. This is like bobbing for apples, except on this show it's onions, the contestants are dunked into a glass tank of water by a bungee cord around their ankles, their hands are tied behind their backs (for safety and entertainment) and, from the smell backstage, I'm guessing the onions had been left in the sun for a good few days. 

I don't know if this game was chosen specifically for Natasha, but she certainly had the most cheers as she was led to the diving board. She had an onion in her teeth in under forty seconds and a few men in the audience couldn't keep themselves in their seats. Kane stole the show, however, when, being led to the drop, he dipped two fingers into his trousers and pulled out a shiv. The crowd gasped as he leapt into the air, bringing his hands under his legs, then took a swing toward the nearest guard. I saw the reflection on the blade on one of the monitors - it must have made excellent viewing. Kane might have been within an inch of ending the guard's career early before a marksman landed a bullet in his shoulder, spinning him around until he hit the floor. The guards had him pinned a second later.

"DISQUALIFIED," cried Theo as the lights turned red and the crowd began to cheer, "we'll see how he gets on" Theo flashed a signature smile at the camera, "at the end of the show."

After that, Noah came as a disappointment. He trudged to the edge of the diving board, hesitated at the jump buzzer and was pushed in by a guard. He bounced around hopelessly incapable of catching an onion. "Oh! So close," Theo commentated to fill the time, "look at him, dangling like a fish on a line. Perhaps I'm being generous! Squirming like that, he's more like a maggot!" The crowd laughed and clapped as Noah fought for breath between each drop. After four minutes, another buzzer sounded and he was pulled out, coughing and choking. 

"What an IDDIOT!" said Theo, to the audience's pleasure. 

The second round is the Citizenship Test. Any contestants that haven't disqualified themselves are pitted against each other to answer a mixture of patronising questions and near impossible questions about the nation. Something like 'name the current Prime Minister' is often followed by a question like 'to the nearest hundred meters, how much track is used in the London Underground?' It's a clever form of torture. They asked Natasha questions like 'who sung the song Yellow Submarine?' knowing that a foreign assassin was unlikely to know so everyone could laugh at her, then Noah something like 'who is 14th in line to the throne?'. Remarkably, they underestimated Noah and he stormed ahead. 

Finally, Judgement.

"What. A. Show!" beamed Theo, "Natasha killed the Humiliation round, while Noah proved himself to be a serial question killer in the Citizenship Test. Not to mention a disqualification! Don't we love a disqualification?" He raised the microphone to the audience, which obediently erupted in applause. "Now, the Judgement round. Each contestant is given a chance to plead their case, then our studio audience and anyone using our app at home can choose 'Release' or 'Decease'. Signing up is quick, easy and completely free, so download the app if you haven't already and join on in! Remember, they need half of you to vote Release in order to avoid the Red Door, but they need three-quarters of you to vote Release in order to walk away - anything in between and they go back to prison to serve a life sentence. Some might prefer the Red Door!"

"As both of our remaining contestants have won one round, we let the winner of the Citizenship Test decide whether they go first or second. Go ahead, IDDIOT!"

Noah seemed to be hiding behind a mic stand. In the harsh studio lights, tears clearly lined his cheeks. This was good for him. The nation likes tears, they vote for tears. He asked to go first. This was a mistake. Speaking first meant the longest time between people hearing you and voting so, by the time they choose whether you live or die, they're bored. 

"Alrighty then" Theo interjected. Then, with no further warning, "you're two minutes starts now!"

A giant digital stopwatch began to count down above Noah's head. His head snapped around to face it, then back to the audience, fear and desperation pealing his eyelids apart. 

"I didn't do it," he said.

"Oh yes you did!" the audience replied. 

His sobbing broke up the rest of his words so he barely managed to get anything out. "I would never- could never. You're voting to kill the wrong person. Please, vote Release, give me a chance. I didn't go anywhere near Mr Brown's wife and I can't even remember-"

"Time up!" called Theo as power was cut from Noah's microphone. Terrible timing for Noah. He can't even remember what? His crimes? His victims? Whatever it was, I could see the contempt in the audience. He didn't stand a chance. 

Natasha, however, gave a rehearsed, patriotic speech in a smooth ambiguous accent, trained to appeal to about half the audience. A few flutters of the eye at the camera and the tendency for the other half to always vote Release for women and she was a sure winner. 

"Studio audience, get your handsets. Viewers at home, get your phones ready. We begin with Noah. Voting... Starts..." Theo turned to the overhead screen. A bar appeared, split green on the left, red on the right. Little notches indicated the 50% and 75% marks. "Now!"

At first, the bar nearly filled with red. I could see dozens of thumbs in the audience hitting Decease. Then green flowed in, it nearly reached the 75% mark. I don't think anyone believes that this really represents how people were voting, but the studio audience shifted forward. Hope began to swell in Noah's eyes and his shoulders began to lift for the first time in the show. But then the bar turned red. It settled on 43%, higher than I'd expected. Noah was about to die. 

They dropped the lights over candidates when this happened. Supposedly it's a dramatic indication that they have lost, like elimination in your usual quiz show, but really it stops the audience seeing the utter devastation on someones face. If you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or actually received a death sentence, then only you know the way the Earth can fall away, how light and sound can drain from the world, how a vacuum can open up around you and inside you, crushing you and tearing you apart at the same time. The producers didn't think the audience would like to see that. Honestly, I'm not sure.

"Ohoh" Theo laughed, "That's two for Red Door... so far! Next up, Natasha!"

I saw the demographic breakdown for Natasha's votes. The broadcasting company have various deals with tech developers that allow the app to scoop up all sorts of information about the voters. The more, shall we say, patriotic, voters did not like her at all. She wasn't British after all. But she was pretty and female so obviously not too dangerous. She got 74%. A little higher and I'd be speaking far more kindly of her.

"We're near the end of the show," said Theo, "this is the time where we follow the contestants who went through the Red Door." They never actually go through the Red Door - a team of four guards escort them through a much larger grey door that they can't hold onto for their dear life. "At this time, you may want young children to leave the room. We can't actually show the punishments, but we can show the person who gets to press the button!"

Theo turned to the overhead screen. A middle-aged woman appeared, with her hand over a red button. "This, beautiful young lady, this stunning mother from Reading, lost her son and her husband to Kane." The audience gave a sympathetic sigh. "She has lived the last six years of her life, alone, in the knowledge that the man who stole her two boys is still alive. Well, today, our studio audience and you at home have released her, saved her, from this torture." He lowered his voice, "are you ready Shannon?" The lady on the screen nodded, shaking a tear from her eye. Theo raised his voice to the audience, "Are. You. Ready?"

The crowd began to cheer.

"THREE!" They yelled with Theo.

"TWO!" Shannon swallowed as another tear ran down her cheek.

"ONE!" Her eyes narrowed.

A buzzer sounded. Shannon pushed the button down. The lights flickered. Her hands leapt to her face. She pulled them back, wiping away the tears and revealing a smile. It was relief. Peace and contentment washed over her and she grew so much in stature that the camera had to lift to keep her on-screen.

After a brief silence, the audience cheered. 

"Ohokay," Theo raised his arms to settle the crowd, "that was really something, huh? You could see the weight falling away from her. That," he stressed the word and pointed at the screen to pull the audience into focus, "is what we call catharsis, right there. That's a wonderful thing you've done for her today."

"But that's not all! We have a second soul to save today." Theo turned to the screen, "Give a hand for Mr Brown!"

Mr Brown appeared on the screen, greeted with applause.

"Mr Brown arrived home from work early, eager to surprise his wife, only to find she had been mercilessly taken from him by, Noah, the Bible Basher. It's time for Mr Brown to let go of that awful memory."

I signed off the guests before they could press the button and there was no indication that Mr Brown would have any problem. Even on the screen, less than a minute before the execution, Mr Brown was well-composed and, I'd say, content.

"THREE. TWO. ONE."

Mr Brown held back a tear as he pressed the button. The lights flickered then his face changed. His eyes widened, his jaw dropped and he started yelling "no, no, no-no-no-no. Wrong hand. Wrong hand." He started pulling at the button, tearing at any cables he could reach, then he pushed at the camera and ran off-screen. I was told afterwards that he'd tried to break through the two-way mirror to reach Noah. 

Theo managed to pacify the studio audience, but the show never aired again. I made my way to Mr Brown as soon as they turned his camera off. 

I found him resting against the door between him and Noah. Paint had been torn from the door and his nails were broken and bleeding.

"Talk to me," I said. He just stared. He didn't blink.

"Wrong hand." He trembled slightly each time he said it. "Wrong hand."

I sat with him for fifteen minutes and all he said was "wrong hand."

The producers realised pretty fast that they could get rid of me. Security escorted me away. I was accused of negligence, but it didn't stick. It didn't matter. My professional opinion will never be trusted again.

By the time they decided to check on Mr Brown, he was hanging from a loose camera cable.

It was all chalked up as a tragedy and left alone, but what happened was obvious. Noah's tattoo was on the wrong hand. All the murders were on Noah's haulage route. The tattoo matched. No one questioned the verdict, except for Noah, but he didn't do it. I signed Mr Brown off to kill an innocent man. And it killed him.