Bettina

“Don't think of it as quitting,” the narrow-faced woman offered, brushing her long dark hair aside like curtains, “think of it as creating space for something new. Think of all the new things you can try!”

“I like the old things. I don't want to try new things,” Kate muttered, picking at the dry skin at the edges of her cuticles.

“Well, the old things are what got you into this...situation. So, you can try new things or not. But either way you have to stop doing what you're doing.”

“I'm not hurting anyone. I don't even know why I'm here.”

“You're here because your parents are concerned. This isn't normal behavior for a young lady. What you're doing is immoral and illegal.”

“Who decides what normal is? Would they rather I be drinking and smoking on the playground behind the elementary school? Having sex under the bleachers? How is what I'm doing so bad? A hundred years ago what I'm doing would have been applauded. Even twenty years ago. I would have been the perfect child.”

“A hundred years ago people engaged in all kinds of behaviors that are now frowned upon. You have to evolve, Kate. You have to be able to survive in the world. Your parents and I both want to help you do that. Don't you want to be a productive member of society?”

I want to be happy, Kate thought. But she didn't say that. She knew there was no point. Instead, she shrugged.

The woman sucked in a stream of air and looked down at the electronic tablet in her hands. “That's all the time we have for today. I'll see you next week. While I encourage you to use this as an opportunity to cultivate new interests and make the transition easier, you can of course do it the hard way. No matter how much you fight against it, the outcome is going to be the same. You are going to stop or you are going to be institutionalized.”

“If I'm institutionalized, do I get to keep doing what I'm doing?”

“No, you do not. No matter what, you have to stop. It's unhealthy. It's up to you which path you take, but they all lead to the same place.” Upon realizing her tone had devolved into near-disgust, the woman course-corrected. “Now, think about what you want to do with your new beginning. This is your new life. We'll talk about it next week.”

The woman stood from the large armchair and gestured toward the door. Kate rose from the couch and brushed off her jeans as if she'd just been eating a crumbly snack, before loping toward the door and into the waiting room, down the hall, and into the parking lot. She was tempted to veer in the opposite direction from where her mother's giant SUV was parked, but knew it wouldn't be worth the trouble. She had nowhere else to go anyway.

Her mother didn't even see her as she approached the passenger side of the vehicle, and Kate had to tap on the window to get her attention. Her mother jumped in her seat with a start, grabbed a tiny remote and hit pause, then smiled as she unlocked the door with the push of another button.

“Such a good show. Only five minutes left in the episode. I'm going to finish it real quick before we head home.” With that, she hit play, and focused anew on the large screen mounted between the rearview mirror and the dashboard.

Kate gazed out the window, picking at her cuticles, wishing she had brought her headphones, wishing she had brought something else. She wanted a fix, needed one, especially during moments like this. She had been born past her time and this world would never be for her.

As the end credits began to play, Kate's mother hit the off button and then another button, and the car peeled out of the parking space and through the lot before thrusting forward into traffic. Kate gripped the door. The car always seemed jerky to her, unsettlingly so.

“So, how did it go?” Kate's mother turned toward her, blond bob bouncing.

Kate looked down at her lap.

“I asked you a question,” her mother's voice tightened in annoyance.

“What do you want me to say, mom? You know I hate it. I'm not going to lie.” Kate brushed a tawny tendril away from her cheek.

Her mom sighed. “Sweetie, give her a chance. This is only your second appointment. She comes very highly recommended and has a great success rate with other kids who have...your problem.” She couldn't even say the words. It was always your problem or your issue.

“I don't know why it's a problem. I'm not hurting anyone...”

“Kate, we've been over this. You're hurting yourself. You're also hurting me and your father and your sister. It's not natural.”

They sat in silence for about a millisecond before her mother grabbed the tiny remote again. “Let's watch something. I think we have time for one show before we get home. A short one. Anything you'd like to watch? What about that new reality show about the chefs who are all sisters? That one's a hoot.”

Her mother was no longer listening as the show flicked onto the screen and, after a short intro, a gaggle of women began shrieking at each other and throwing food. Kate tightened her hands into fists and willed it to be over. The show. This car ride. The hellscape of her life. She thought about Bettina. When Kate became anxious, thinking about her friend, even if she wasn't technically real, was her lifeline.

Her mother's cackles faded as the credits rolled and they pulled into the driveway. “Wasn't that just the funniest thing? Oh man, those O'Malley sisters. So fun to watch.”

Kate silently exited the car, followed her mother into the house, then made a beeline upstairs as the sound of the television blared in her wake. “Going to shower!” she shouted behind her.

“Ok, you have twenty minutes until dinner! If you're not down by then, I'm going to come check on you!”

Kate shut herself in the bathroom and exhaled. So much noise, everywhere noise. Why was this normal? How was this normal? She wished she could spend these twenty minutes doing something else, but she allowed herself to be consoled by the presence of silence. The bathroom she shared with her sister had a shower screen, but she didn't have to use it. She closed her eyes and remembered.

My name is Bettina. I do not exist...

After her shower, Kate was tempted by what she had hidden behind the TV screen in her room, eager to remove the precious object and press it to her chest. Despite the fact that the rest of her family were thoroughly immersed in screens, Kate was the only one who knew how to actually set up and fix the technology. So she was the only one who would ever open the access panel, jiggle the wires, run whatever update needed to be run. She was the only one who would see what else was back there. But no, she would get caught if she indulged now. She could put it off an hour longer. The anticipation would help her through The Dinner Show.

The Dinner Show was what everyone watched while they ate in the evening. Everyone. It was an actual requirement of citizenship, and every single person in the country would sit and eat and watch the show every day, in live time.

Kate smooshed herself onto the large couch alongside her parents and eight-year-old sister Zoe, all of whom were enthusiastically digging into their TV dinners.

“You almost missed the beginning!” Zoe screeched.

“Shh,” spurted her father. “You know the rules! No talking during the show!

“Well now you're talking...” Kate mumbled against her better judgment.

“Kate,” her mother hissed, “this behavior needs to stop.”

“Fine, I'll be a perfect angel if you just let me do what makes me happy.” She smirked out her best mocking angelic smile.

“NO. You're on thin ice, Kate,” her mother growled, her plump lips contorting into a sloppy snarl.

“THE SHOW!” her father shouted. The couch jiggled under the weight of his proclamation as well as his bulk.

“What are you going to do, send me to my room?” Kate taunted. “Who knows what I could get up to in there?” In that moment she felt a surge of unexpected power, knowing that she had to be monitored at all times, but that she could use that time to disrupt the lives of others, the way they had disrupted her life, the way they had robbed her of the very thing that made her herself.

But then, her mother's wicked smile made Kate realize she had been outplayed. Again. “No, I am going to do the opposite of sending you to your room. You are going to sleep with your father and me tonight. You can use the bathroom and brush your teeth, but otherwise you will not set foot in your room again until tomorrow.”

Kate paled. Her treat, the one she had been waiting for all day, had slipped out of her reach at the last moment.

“THE SHOW!” roared her father again, before his chubby red face took on a quizzical look. “Wait, what? Judy, what did you just say?!”

It made Kate slightly less miserable knowing her father was miserable too, but she still felt pretty wretched staring at the ceiling in her parents' room as the TV blared behind their snores and whimpers. Tomorrow. She would be able to do it tomorrow. In the meantime, the story flitted around her brain like a dragonfly.

My name is Bettina. I do not exist. I am pale, fraught with many illnesses, and yet I feel that I am not a person at all. I am an idea. I am everything and nothing...

The next morning Kate was shaken awake and catapulted right out of a dream about Bettina. Bettina, the ill-fated heroine who always knew how to pull herself through any hardship.

“Mom, it's Saturday, why am I being violently shaken awake?” Kate groaned, turning her face away from her mother's wild eyes.

“Because, your sister has her first video game tournament in an hour and you have to be there.”

“She's going to be so deep in her screen she won't know whether I'm there or not.”

“Yes, if only you could maintain that kind of deep focus. On something other than...that filth.” Her mother's voice was pulled tight like a bowstring.

Kate rolled her eyes.

Her mother grabbed Kate's arm with bony fingers and yanked. “You're getting up right now. You can't be left alone so you're coming with, whether you want to or not.”

Coming with. Her mother was talking like those reality TV chef sisters. Gross.

“Fine, let me go get ready.”

“Ok, be quick. Your father will be very upset if you make us late.”

Kate threw on the same jeans from the day before, a fresh t-shirt, and a hoodie. She reached behind the TV screen, pulled out her forbidden treat, and tucked it into the waistband of her jeans. She would find a way.

It turned out that sneaking off during the tournament wasn't that difficult. Her parents were distracted by both Zoe's gaming and then their own, which they participated in during the required crowd game breaks. So when Kate murmured, “Going to the bathroom,” her parents nodded in her general direction like zombies and went back to their screens.

Just in case, however, she did go to the bathroom. She chose the least-gross-looking stall and crouched on top of the toilet, her sneakers balancing silently on the slightly-misaligned seat. After she latched the door with a disinfectant wipe, she listened for footsteps. Then she sighed and pulled her treat from her waistband.

Bettina

by Audrey Young

Kate caressed the cover. It was her most beloved book, both because of what it was and what it meant. Bettina was the last book she had ever received. She was fifteen, and her favorite teacher had given it to her when it was obvious that books were soon to be extinct. Kate loved the book even then, became obsessed with it. And then when the Technologists had taken over completely and the official ban was enacted, she had guarded her treasure. Through every search, every surrender, she had protected her most valuable possession. Every time she had gotten caught in the act of indulging, she had brandished another book in its place, a sleight of hand that had sacrificed many worthy books but kept the one that was her whole heart. Now, Bettina was all she had left – the last book she had been given, and what turned out to be the last book ever written, at least publicly and without fear of persecution. The author had written only this one book before disappearing in the wake of the ban.

Kate had been sent to counseling after the third time she was caught. She was also now on her fourth counselor. She didn't care. She loved Bettina, her friend. Bettina was all she had left of the old world, the one that seemed so much further removed than just a year ago. Her parents were Technologists so Kate's life had begun changing before the rest of society did, but she wondered how the others had adapted so readily, how there were so few left like her. So few who couldn't let the old ways go. How her favorite thing in the whole world had become regarded as something so taboo that her mother couldn't even say it: Reading.

The main bathroom door squealed open and Kate jerked her head up and stuffed the book back into her waistband. She remembered to flush before gently easing down off her perch. She tried to be as nonchalant as possible when she exited the stall where she dutifully put her hands under the screen that presented a 30 second “short” for her hand-washing pleasure. Her mother stepped out of the shadow.

“You think I didn't see you slip away?” She took a step closer to Kate.

“Mom,” Kate kept her voice deliberately calm, “I told you I was going to the bathroom. You and Dad both nodded.”

This observation gave her mother pause, but she still looked wary. “Well, your sister is done for the day so we're going home.” She looked crestfallen. Zoe must have gotten knocked out in one of the early rounds. It was Zoe's first tournament, but her parents and everyone else thought Zoe could be a prodigy and they'd expected more from her even as a rookie.

Kate wiped her hands with a talkative digi-towel and followed her mother out of the restroom and into the crowd. She gave Zoe a consoling hug. Zoe was just a kid, none of this was her fault. Her parents should know better. But Zoe was her little sister.

Later that night, Kate lay on her side facing away from the door with a pillow propped at her back for privacy. Her mother came in at regular intervals to make sure she was scrolling. Kate kept her phone next to her hand so it could be snapped up the second the door opened, her book concealed beneath the sheets. Her mother hadn't noticed the door had begun to creak and Kate had no plans to tell her.

Kate savored the last lines of the book. She knew she would never give in to the curtain-haired woman's new beginning, nor to anyone else's that was forced upon her. Not when she had her own bittersweet ending.

Bettina knew who she was, and nobody could take that from her. Until her last breath she would be Bettina, uniquely herself in a way nobody else could ever be, and that was the comfort that stayed with her as her breaths slowed and finally stopped. Despite what they had made her believe, Bettina had existed. She had been everything and nothing. Just as the world was everything and nothing.

The door creaked again and this time Kate pretended to have fallen asleep, her arm sprawled out and her phone still auto-scrolling. She heard her mother pause in the doorway before gently flipping off the light and turning on the TV with the small remote on Kate's nightstand. Kate tucked the book into her pillowcase, slipped her earbuds into her ears, and sighed with satisfaction. Even if they did eventually take the book, they could never take Bettina from her. Bettina did exist, and her story would continue to dance in Kate's mind until her last breath. Bettina was a prayer, a lifeboat, an embrace. And Kate would memorize every single word.